“Sometimes, dead is better.” – Pet Sematary

9 Dec
December 9, 2010

“I showed him how God wanted him to have a swell time while he was alive. Because, brothers and sisters, when you is gone, you is gone. And ain’t no way , no how, nobody’s going to bring you back here once you is dead!”- Love at First Bite

Ever see Love at First Bite? Great film, really, a great film. It stars George Hamilton as a very tan Count Dracula who relocates from Transylvania to New York in the 1970’s and hits the disco scene. In my opinion it is George Hamilton’s greatest film, but that isn’t saying much. (It is, however, more than a bit funnier than Godfather III.) Leslie Nielsen took a stab at Dracula, so to speak, in Dracula: Dead and Loving It but no offense, the Hamilton film is funnier. (“Children of the night, shut up!”)

Dracula is so iconic a character that he may never die. He may have been plugged by hundreds of wooden stakes, but plug “Dracula” into imdb.com and you get nineteen exact matches, not counting partial matches and all the films in which the Count is not in the title. The actors who played Dracula have not fared as well, Bela Lugosi, John Carradine, Leslie Nielsen, and many more, are all gone. Luckily, Christopher Lee is still alive and acting, but there will never again be another film starring Lon Chaney Jr., not to mention John Wayne, Marlon Brando, or even Elvis. And for those of us who saw him in A Change of Habit, that’s a loss to comedy. I will now quote myself:

Elvis once said “Only the only thing worse than watching a bad movie is being in one.” And he should know.

In “Change of Habit,” 1969, he starred as “Dr. Edward Pelvis,” a hip psychotherapist simultaneously wooing a nun played totally unconvincingly by Mary Tyler Moore and curing a young autistic girl by slapping her around. Yes, by slapping her around. There are plenty of scenes of Moore and her hip nun friends getting involved in civic events, scenes of Pelvis and Moore picnicking, and plenty of scenes of Pelvis slapping the poor autistic girl while saying “I love you.” Slap! “I love you.” Slap! I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP! SEE FOR YOURSELF!

TRIVIA: This is the only feature film starring Elvis Presley which wasn’t released theatrically in Finland. Those Fins, always getting left out. Did you know that only last week they found out that Rosebud was Citizen Kane’s sled?

Abbott and Costello will never update “Who’s on First?” for free-agency, Al Jolsen will never sing Public Enemy’s “911 is a Joke,” and Theda Bara will never get her own sitcom.

“I showed him how God wanted him to have a swell time while he was alive. Because, brothers and sisters, when you is gone, you is gone. And ain’t no way , no how, nobody’s going to bring you back here once you is dead!”

Oh really?

You can't make this stuff up.

What is he thinking? Who does he think he is? Sure, he gave us Darth Vader, but he also gave us Howard the Duck. He may have created the Empire, but he is also responsible for Howard the Duck. THX sound technology is his, but so is Howard the Duck. He also produced Howard the Duck.

So now we may all get the chance to see Charlton Heston dance to “Poker Face.

Think about it. Christopher Reeve may fly again as Superman. Or he may show up in a Willow sequel. Really, this is all up to George Lucas and his wild and wacky imagination.

Of course, odds are he’ll show up as a Jedi first in a bad Star Wars film.
Sir John Gielgud will appear in an episode of Tyler Perry’s House of Payne.
John Cazale in Weekend at Bernie’s IV.
Ricky Ricardo and Margaret Dumont in a remake of West Side Story.

There is really only one winner in all of this, a group, actually. Guys like Rich Little, Fred Travalena, people who do impressions, because Lucas may have the images but he needs someone to voice them.

What, you say that Fred Travalena died in 2009? Then I’ve got to go. I need to brush up on my Travalena impression for when George Lucas brings him back for the New Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts.

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7 Responses to ““Sometimes, dead is better.” – Pet Sematary”

  1. Supermonge's avatar
    Supermonge December 9, 2010 at 9:49 am #

    Don’t hate on George!…Now I can finally have my Singing Debut with Robert Goulet…
    I’m kidding….I may or may not be kidding.

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  2. J.R.D. Skinner's avatar
    JRD Skinner December 9, 2010 at 10:07 am #

    You nailed this one.

    It’s been years since I’ve seen Love At First Bite, but non-“Kate & Allie” Susan St James will sell me on almost anything.

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    • bmj2k's avatar
      bmj2k December 9, 2010 at 2:37 pm #

      Love at First Bite happens to be the very first film I ever videotaped, right off channel 5 here in NYC.

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      • Supermonge's avatar
        Supermonge December 9, 2010 at 4:07 pm #

        I’m Shocked…I definitely took you for someone who would have jumped at the chance to Video Tape the Last Dragon from Channel 11.

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        • bmj2k's avatar
          bmj2k December 9, 2010 at 9:22 pm #

          I used to love the kung-fu double features on Sundays. I remember one where two guys were fighting on thick horizontal rope nets. The gaps in the mesh were about three feet across and if you fell through, there were barrels of burning oil below.

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  3. Jim's avatar
    Jim December 9, 2010 at 9:12 pm #

    Somebody needs to take that mans computer away!

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    • bmj2k's avatar
      bmj2k December 9, 2010 at 9:20 pm #

      Take John Wayne for example. Any “new John Wayne film” will only feature his image. the acting will only be some programmer’s idea of how Wayne would act, his facial expressions a guess of what Wayne would do, and his voice some imposter’s take on how Wayne would sound reading a particular line. You may as well have a guy in a John Wayne mask instead, it will amount to the same.

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