Archive | 12:00 am

I Bet He Has a Secret Decoder Ring Too.

13 Dec

December 13, 2010

Since the beginning of time, man has yearned to destroy the sun.

Well, maybe not. You can’t trust The Simpsons on everything. OK, they got that whole Al Gore/Kang and Kodos conspiracy right, but they totally screwed up the Comic Book Guy/Milhouse/Al-Queda connection.

But there are things that man, as a point of history, has yearned to do and failed. Alchemy aimed to turn lead into gold. Think about it. Really give that some thought. Turning lead into gold would ruin the economy more than the Federal Reserve has already done. If all lead turned into gold, can you imagine how expensive a simple pencil would be? Of course, you’d never buy one because you couldn’t write with it, and without a reliable #2 lead pencil, there goes all the standardized testing in our schools, right out the window.

So maybe that isn’t such a bad thing.

Alchemy isn’t all man has yearned for. Immortality. The secret to eternal life. Walt Disney, whose frosty frozen head allegedly sits in a vault far below the “It’s a Small World” ride wasn’t the first man to want to live forever, nor will he be the last. While science hasn’t yet reached the point of achieving immortality, it has prolonged the average human lifespan, making your choice of nursing home vitally important because you will be spending an awfully long time there.

Which brings us to Nursultan Nazarabyev, the President of Kazakhstan. (Not to be confused with Nursultan Nazarabyev, P.I., Wednesdays on CBS.) If you are anything like me you thought that Borat guy was the President of Kazakhstan, but it turns out that this surly-looking fellow is in charge.

This man must be stopped.

Can you imagine the horrors of immortality? Rich uncles who never die and leave you anything in their wills. Spinster aunts who drop by for Christmas and never leave. Literally, never leave.  Living the next thousand years and seeing the Mets blow it season after season after season. Immortality is an appalling thought.

I suppose that, living in Kazakhstan, there isn’t much else to worry about. The secret of life, kissing frogs to turn them in handsome princes, magic beans, these must all be pretty important over there too.

Of course, if I were already 70 years old, I might have some pressing concerns as well.

Like getting out of Kazakhstan. This poor guy, I can only imagine how he would spend the rest of his immortal life- anywhere but Kazakhstan. That’s why he wants immortality. It is a do-over, a chance to live a life anywhere but Kazakhstan. Like I said, I saw Borat. I know Kazakhstan.

Maybe I am wrong. Perhaps Kazakhstan is an Eden where the President flies on a unicorn and wields a flaming sword. I wouldn’t want to leave that paradise either.

The paradise… of KAZAKHSTAN.

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