Tag Archives: smelly people

Chicago Calling: Part One Week!

27 Dec

December 27, 2013

part one logo

from July 13, 2006

GreetingsChicagoHere I am in Chicago, the Windy City. The flight was pretty good and we got in early. In fact, the only problem was the guy sitting next to me.

He wasn’t annoying, and he wasn’t bothering me. If he didn’t SMELL LIKE A SEWER RAT I probably wouldn’t have noticed him.

Strangely, Stinky McStinkson was dressed in a fancy business suit. Oh, did I mention that he was an asshole too? He took off his jacket and wedged it, neatly, between his tray and the seat so that it was hanging neatly. Neatly, except that at least six inches of it dragged on the floor. It got stepped on by everyone walking through the aisle and every time, he brushed it off and put it neatly back down, then the merry-go-round would start again. A couple of times it fell on the floor and he put it back the same stupid way.

He had two books. One was Maverick Real Estate Investing. He never looked at that one. He spent the whole two hour flight reading- intently! – Father to Daughter. It was a fat book with huge print, fitting about 12 words on a page. 12 were too many. It was all Zen-like BS aphorisms like “She may be cute, but not too cute to throw food.” And “Take her for a walk in the woods. She may get a splinter, but youll get a tree of love.” I couldn’t stop peeking at it. People get paid to write that shit? And what kind of tools would read it? Isn’t that like a gag gift from Spencers?

The people in Chicago are really nice. When I got off the plane, a gentleman came up to me and offered to exchange all of my NY money for Chicago currency. He must have really taken me for a fool. He only offered two Capones for one dollar. I wasnt born yesterday. I haggled and got him up to four Capones. So I now have 1,000 Capones, which the nice man assures me are accepted all over Chicago. Heh, I really played him for a sucker.


Eddie Part Three: The End of Eddie

17 Jan

January 17, 2013

(Smelly People I Have Known Part 5)

Despite the impression I may have given, Eddie was not long for the store. He was barely there two weeks. Eddie, however, left a long impression on the store. It took a long time to forget him, especially the way he left.

For whatever reason, Eddie had been saying from the first day he started that if he did not get paid $2,000 he was quitting. That was the ray of hope in my life because no way was a part-time minimum-wage employee going to get a paycheck for that much money. The easy thing to say is that he should have done the math. There was no way he could possibly come up with $2,000, but I think the hardest math Eddie was capable of was “I only have one sock on today, how many socks am I wearing?” And I am not confident that he would always get the correct answer, in part becuase he did not always wear socks.


Eddie started on a Monday and Friday was payday. That is, for everyone else but the new hires. When you get a paycheck it is for the week before so Eddie and the others had to wait for their second Friday to get paid. (I once had a part-time job where, due to a payroll error, I didn’t get paid for four weeks. That was total misery.) Eddie did not understand the concept. It was Friday, Friday was payday, so he should get paid. No matter how much the bosses tried to explain to him that he hasn’t even worked an entire week, Eddie was angry- ANGRY! AND YELLING!- that he was getting ripped off, this was not right, not fair, etc. etc. etc. Somehow they calmed him down and he, in a very surly way, told them that if they were lying and he did not get paid next week there would be trouble.

Next week came and luckily Eddie got paid.
The bad news? He did not get $2,000.

Saw all this for myself.

The paychecks came in and most of us were gathered by the side office to get our checks. It may sound like lemming behavior but many of us carpooled together to the bank on our lunch hours, hence the crowd.

Eddie got his check and examined it minutely. Literally. He held it close to his eyes and squinted at it. He held it up to the light and studied it. He looked on the back, he looked on the front, he pulled off the perforated part and put that through the same scrutiny. So what was the problem?  His paycheck was only for $131.

This was not in the back by the break room, it was not in the stock area, this was all happening in the front of the store, by the registers, near the front windows, and in full view of all the customers. He yelled “no, no, NO, NO, NO!!!” and marched to the front office and demanded to see Brian, the manager who gave him the check.

Brian wasn’t there but the manager who was wanted no part of Eddie. Brian had, just a second or two ahead of Eddie, left the store to go to lunch and the manager told Eddie he’d have to wait for Brian to come back. Eddie was not about to wait. He glanced out the window and saw Brian walking through the parking lot. Eddie ran after him and caught up and grabbed him by the shirt. Brian spun around and (I am going on a combination of lip-reading and common sense) and said “what the fuck are you doing!” Eddie repeatedly pointed to his paycheck and said something like “this isn’t enough money-“ before Brian yelled “get the fuck back to the store!” and very angrily pointed to the building.

Eddie came back in, muttering to himself. I picked up things like “they are stealing from me,” and “this isn’t right.” He got his jacket from the back and that was the last I ever saw of him.

Eventually the rest of new hires wore out their welcome as well, and we never saw the likes of them again, at least not until Carolyn started hiring her relatives.


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