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Tag Archives: Snoop Dogg

Is there anything more manly than cheese?

3 Sep

September 3, 2013

Is there anything more manly than cheese?

Frankly there is.

  • Fighting a lion
  • Farting in public
  • Testicles

But not one of them goes great on a burger.

Cheese is awesome! Put it on a burger, nachos, pretzels, melt it on a sandwich, squirt it straight out of the can, lick it off the body of someone you love, whatever you do with it, cheese rocks!

Which is why I had to stop and take this picture.

       DSCN2227                  

I was in New Jersey with Allan Keyes filming doing something I contractually can’t talk about Yes, those are my legs reflected in the window. Aren’t I a great photographer? But artistry be damned, we are talking about cheese! No phony “cheez” here, no plastic gooey stuff, this is the real deal C-H-E-E-S-E! Cheese!

Aside from bacon (mmmm, bacon) what else is there that is such an awesome food? Nothing. If all you had to eat in life were cheese and bacon you’d be very, very happy. And probably die of a massive heart attack in a few weeks but who cares? CHEESE!

So being a cheese loving man I had to stop at the amazingly named Cheese Cave (because when it comes to cheese, we are all cavemen at heart. “MMMM, want more cheese!”) and take a picture of the front window. I could only imagine all the varieties they must have inside- cheddar, Swiss, American, um, cheddar…

I would have loved to go in and browse, maybe buy a pound or ten, but something stopped me. It was a little voice, the voice of reason maybe, or perhaps my conscience, knowing how all that cheese would clog my arteries and make my cholesterol higher than Snoop Dogg/Lion in Mexico, but whatever, it was, it would not let me go in.

“The store is closed, dumb ass.” It was Keyes.

So I left New Jersey, salivating, my hunger for cheese unfulfilled. But don’t worry, there is a happy ending.

We stopped for pizza on the way home. Extra cheese.

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Am I Not Hip Too, Flo Rida?

19 Mar

March 19, 2013

I said a hip hop the hippie the hippie
to the hip hip hop, a you dont stop
the rock it to the bang bang boogie
say up jumped the boogie
to the rhythm of the boogie, the beat

– The Sugar Hill Gang, Rapper’s Delight

Huh?

Is it any surprise that I am not a big fan of rap and hip hop? Frankly, once Snoop Dogg changed his name to Snoop Lion I just got lost. If Snoop Dogg could change his name, where would it stop? Would the President become Barack Lion?  It was so confusing. Snoop’s name was dumb to begin with, now it is just stupid. Hey Snoop! Lay off the pot.

But rap and hip hop are full of lousy names. Yesterday, Allan Keyes introduced you to Li’l Poopy. SERIOUSLY? Is that any better than MC Pee Pants? At least Mr. Pants is a cartoon character. Li’l Poopy is about to be the centerpiece of a child welfare case.


Ok, so I’m not on the tip of the hip hop cutting edge, if you know what I mean, and based on that mixed metaphor you may not. All this brings me to Tramar Lacel Dillard. Who? You may know him better by his nom-de-dumb, Flo Rida.

If I were a rapper I’d pick MC Fred Mertz before that. Seriously, I don’t care if it is some play on “flow rider,” which isn’t so hot to begin with, the guy is from Florida so he calls himself Flo Rida and that is just silly.

flo rida

But I am not one to let a good thing go by. (Well I am, which is why I am not rich at all, but hey, maybe one of these is going to get me there.)  (Nah.)

So I, with nothing but time on my hands and no life, went through all 50 states and from that culled a list of Flo Rida-style names, which I’ve sorted into three categories: Mundane, lame, and Hip Hop Tastic! Some of the names just didn’t work- what do you do with Hawaii? Here is the best of the rest.

Mundane Chart
LAME Chart

 

hip hop chart
It doesn’t stop at lame rap names either. I am not a fan of the NCAA. DO NOT make the typo that I once did and write “I am not a fan of the NAACP.” Trust me, it didn’t go well. But I am talking about college basketball. I already hate pro basketball (if a game ends 120 to 116, was it really necessary to play 4 quarters? This game could have been decided in 10 minutes) so why would I ever watch college? But to get back to my point, I am a college graduate. Granted, I graduated from the Earl Scheib School of “I’ll paint any car for just $99.95,” but even I know there is no such state as Golden State or Gonzaga State. Seriously, what’s up with that?

I’d like to leave you with one of my favorite rap songs, from a rapper with a great rap name and who might have a mild brain disorder. I present, Bismark!  Biz Markie!

 

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