Mr. Blog's Tepid Ride

from February 19, 2008

Fidel Castro today announced that he will step down as El Presidente Grande of Cuba. This is a very magnanimous gesture on his part, especially considering that the man has been nearly dead for the past two years. It is expected that he will turn over the reigns of power to his brother Raul, who is a spry young lad of 77.

The change in regime came as a great relief to the Adidas corporation. For years, Castro’s trademark, aside from his unkempt beard, smelly cigars, and penchant for opening his prisons and sending convicts to America in leaky rafts, was his constant wearing of a Cuban military uniform. He wore the same uniform everyday. On occasion, he would declare a state holiday to award himself a new medal or ribbon, but the uniform has essentially remained unchanged for the past five decades, with the slight exception of letting out the waist from time to time. In recent years, as his health declined, Castro took to wearing Adidas jogging suits and in his rare public appearances he would be seen only in Adidas outfits.

“The Adidas corporation today applauds the news coming out of Havana” said Thomas Pfeffer, Adidas Inc. spokesman. “There can be little doubt that the new leadership of Cuba can bring about only positive change for all of the Western Hemisphere, as well as the stock of Adidas Incorporated. Every time Fidel Castro was photographed in one of our outfits our stock dropped anywhere in range from three to four dollars.”

As the news broke, Adidas stock rose $4.50 on the New York Stock Exchange this morning.

Not everyone, however, sees Raul Castro as an improvement.

“I have sent over many swatches and designs for his inaugural outfit but have yet to hear from him,” complained designer Diane Von Furstenberg. “I suspect he will be wearing Sean John to the ball.”

Bravo Television’s Project Runway is already working on a Raul Castro edition of its reality show, and Celebrity Apprentice, Celebrity Survivor, and Celebrity Rehab have all reached out to Cuba to cement formal ties. “The passing of the torch in Cuba is a major landmark in reality television” said Survivor producer Mark Burnett. “We can only view recent events in Cuba as a possible ratings bonanza for the first show to be able to film there.” When asked about how the change from Fidel Castro might affect the poor population of  Cuba, Burnett said “well, I can only speculate, but many of them may now be eligible to appear on network television and perhaps win a grand prize.”

In Miami, the Cuban population reacted to this morning’s events with guarded optimism. Many of them refused to believe that Castro would step down until it actually happened, and even then many believed that Fidel would still wield power behind the scenes. “If Fidel Castro would truly be out of power, that would be a great thing,” stated Juan Estefan. “My family for many years has toiled to make even enough money to live on. I have sent much of my earnings back to Havana to support them.”

What changes will Mr. Estefan expect? “Before Castro we had a plantation of many acres and lived off the cattle we raised and the crops we grew. The hills were green and the hacienda was a thing of beauty.” When asked if he looks forward to finally returning to the home from which he was exiled, Mr. Estefan replied “Hell no! As soon as the devil Castro is dead I am bringing my whole family to Miami!”

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