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Tag Archives: newspaper comics

Return Of The Snappy Answers To Silly Newser Headlines (May 2015)

23 May

May 23, 2015

Today, The Editors and Staff of Mr. Blog’s Tepid Ride (Home of the Partially Humorous Post) would like to honor Superfan Edna DeWitt, of Pinesdale Montana. Ms. DeWitt earned Superfan status by sending to us, on 30 consecutive days in April, 30 unsubscribe requests. That’s the kind of dedication we admire. In her honor, we will consider acknowledging her request sometime in the future.

Once again, we check in on Newser.com, whose status as a legitimate news site is at least as dubious as ours.

newser01

Poop Raining From Sky Ruins Girl’s Sweet 16.
Philadelphia family suspects feces came from a plane.

“Suspects?” “Suspects” feces came from a plane? What else could it be, a giant incontinent condor? There’s that old saying, that “when it rains it pours.” Thank God it didn’t happen in this case or I can only imagine what might have come pouring out of the sky on this not-so-sweet 16.

newser02

Snakes Used To Have Ankles.
Ancestor likely had little toes too.

I have a feeling that John Johnson (if that is his real name) has a bit of a fetish. For some reason he focuses on ankles and toes when (and I read the story) the bigger, scarier, and real story is that they had legs. Not just ankles and toes connected to nothing, but legs, which makes the whole idea of snakes on a plane that much worse. “I have had it with these mf-ing snakes with their mf-ing legs on this mf-ing plane!” If snakes still had legs the jig would be up for humanity, although I think that some enterprising sneaker executive could make some cash on it. But snakes with ankles, shapely, curvy ankles, and cute little, alluring toes, that’s the writer’s take on this story, Sheesh.

newser03

“Exciting” New Rabies Strain Found In New Mexico.
It was discovered after rabid fox bit woman.

I can just imagine that woman’s excitement when, after a painful round of rabies treatment, the doctors informed her that she was infected with a new strain of the potentially fatal disease. Yup, and I’m sure the excitement grew even greater when she had to undergo even more painful injections and invasive tests to identify the new strain. I’m just sorry that I wasn’t invited to her party, complete with clowns, cake, and vaccines.

newser04

Latest Target of Kim Jong Un’s Wrath: Failed Lobster Breeders.
Says terrapin farm may “impair prestige” of Korean Worker’s Party.

Because nothing else going on in North Korea could negatively impact their international prestige like a lobster breeding farm gone wrong.

I just don’t see how a lobster breeding farm could possibly fail, as lobsters are well-known as the randiest creatures in the sea.

I think this is how the Roman Empire fell.

newser05

Miley Croons Sad Ballad to Her Dead Blowfish.
While dressed as a unicorn.

Well of course! What else should I have expected? I mean besides almost anything else. I am eagerly looking forward to her next ballad about all the sad lobsters in that failed lobster breeding farm.

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Newly News (Lying Awake With John Newly #9)

1 May

May 1, 2015

Strange Theremin music plays in the background and continues for 45 long seconds. Music fades.

ANNOUNCER: This is Lying Awake with John Newly. Lying Awake airs seven nights a week across the country and spans the globe via the internet. Here’s your host, John Newly.

Hello, hi, and how are you? This is Lying Awake with John Newly and I’m John Newly, and you’re listening to Lying Awake with me, John Newly.There’s a lot going on in the news and we’ll jump right in to the big stories of the day, right after this.

-Commercial for Albert Moss Prepared Gourmet Survival Meals and Fine Wines.

-Promo for WKAT-AM charity Bootblack Blowout and BBQ Brunch. Bootblacks will be on hand to blacken your boots and baste your BBQ for a small donation.

ANNOUNCER: We’re back with more Lying Awake with John Newly. Here’s John Newly.

Radio_Times_5_Dec_1954

OK, let’s get right to today’s top headlines from around the country and around the world and even around the cosmos. NASA says that a meteor will pass so close to the Earth this week that it will actually be closer to Earth than the moon. With me now is our Lying Awake science professor-at-large, William C. Bogey. William, should we be alarmed about this meteor hitting the Earth?

-Hello John. Let me tell you and the audience that NASA has been LYING TO YOU! There is NO meteor heading for Earth! This is all a plot to cover up the secret alien moon bases. They’re distracting us with all this meteor nonsense to keep us from talking about the real space discoveries, like the cowboy hat the Mars rover photographed last week, or the fossilized painting of William Shatner that Neil Armstrong found on the moon. There are alien bases all over the solar system and let me tell all your listeners, John, that NASA will NEVER tell you the truth!

Wow, I always learn something new when we have William C. Bogey on. You can find his website at BigWillieStyle.com. Also in the news, a new study shows that that eating too much sugary candy can be bad for you. On the line is nutritionist Zelda Rumstock. Zelda, is it true what they say, that too much sugary candy can be bad for you?

-Yes.

In Missouri, a man panning for gold in a lake behind his house found something better than gold. He found a fossil of a rare clam. Gosh, I wonder if there was a whole prehistoric seafood dinner down there. Wouldn’t that be something? You can see all the pictures on our website. LyingAwakeOnline.com. While you’re there, take a look at my tour schedule. Next week, I’m going to be in Osaka Japan, Alberta Canada, The Falkland Islands, and someplace called “update your passport.” Oh, that’s a note to myself.

Coming up in our second hour, my guest will be Otto Mullich, a professor of psychology who claims that he has perfected the safest way to travel beneath the ocean without using expensive and bulky submarines. I’ll be back after the break. I’m John Newly and this is Lying Awake with John Newly.

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