Tag Archives: Mario Brothers

Allan Keyes is Getting Old

2 Sep

September 2, 2013


So I learned a valuable life lesson on Thursday:  It’s beyond humiliating to die on the first level of Burger Time while a 7-year old watches.


I suppose that odd epiphany merits a drop of explanation. Unfortunately you can’t get the whole story….yet.  So for now, let’s just say that on Thursday, Mr. B and I had cause to be in a certain New Jersey town for a certain appointment, which we will definitely both be writing about in the near future when we are able. And during our stay in that certain town, we passed the coolest vintage arcade, where I beclowned myself in front of a slackjawed kid.

This was the coolest old-school arcade, they had all the BEST games from when I was a kid:


So of course, I basically dragged Mr. B in. Not that he needed much convincing, I could barely tear him away from the Turbo machine when it was time to go.

I was a fat, four-eyed nerdy kid with a big mop of unkempt hair (I’ve changed plenty over the years – I’m going bald) but when I walked into the arcade, it was my dojo and I was the black belt star pupil. I’d go for an hour on Centipede, or beat you in Street Fighter 2 faster than you could say Hadoken  Shoryuken! How good was I at these things – any and all of these things? Let’s put it this way: I beat Street Fighter 2 on one quarter using Zangief – and I didn’t once use his spinning piledriver. Now you probably had a life, so the last paragraph was gibberish for you, I’ll translate: I WAS THAT. DAMN. GOOD.

So I swagger in, still on a high from that certain appointment, and I see all my old favorites, and I’m so excited……until I start to play.

And die. And die. And die.

The fail started quick, when I lasted all of 20 seconds on Donkey Kong Jr.  I mean c’mon, I do complicated data mining operations every day at work, and I couldn’t get any traction on this:


And it wasn’t just rust either.  In successive order, I was quickly dispatched on the following: Spy Hunter, Double Dragon, Alien Syndrome, Mario Brothers, and  Zaxxon, before bottoming out on Burger Time in front of the kid.

It’s kind of deflating to be defeated by primitive pattern-based 1981 programming.  I rallied at the end with a good run on Mrs. Pac-Man (kind of a gimmie really, but I needed some something to salve my ego)

I suppose I enjoyed playing all those cool old games from my youth again, but stinking up the joint (and paying for the privilege) kind of takes the bloom off the rose. So what did I do? I went home and proceeded to get absolutely skunked at Call of Duty on my X-box. Some days you just can’t catch a break!

In the meantime, there’s a Donkey Kong kill screen coming up if you’re interested:





Allan Keyes: Fail Counterfeits!

29 Apr

April 29, 2013


I was just wandering around the web the other day, and I was looking at old Mad Magazine archives – you know, back when Mad was actually funny and a legit part of the counter culture, as opposed to what it is now, a straight establishment hack factory that deserves to be put out of its’ misery. Dave Berg (“The Lighter Side”) and Mort Drucker were giants without compare.  Remember 43 Man Squamish http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/43-Man_Squamish  and Three Cornered Pitney? Yeah. Good times. Once Melvin and Jenkins debuted it was all downhill – but that’s a rant for another day. And believe me, rant I will. Anyway, while checking this stuff out, I came across this from the old Mad board game (which I used to have and am bidding on furiously on Ebay for a set now):


Well, one thing led to another and I found myself looking at some sad examples of funny money. Laugh along with me at some of these sad counterfeits!



This one is just lazy. I mean common, did anyone REALLY expect this piece of idiocy to actually pass???  I’d actually give more respect to someone who just Xeroxed a dollar bill and tried to pass it to a colorblind guy. Heck, I’d actually respect this one better, at least they tried.





These were actually passed at some Target stores in the Midwest. That the cashiers either didn’t know or care better, makes me weep.  I personally think they believed the bills were legit. But common! I mean NINE Dollars? What a fricking idiot number.  Hey, if you’re going to plaster this guy on a bill, I’d think this one was better:


But that’s just me. For those of you with a different worldview, here’s an equally stupid one with another President:


Not sure why $200 dollars, but hey, there you go.

Actually, given the direction of things nowadays, this one is most appropriate:





I think KISS actually sucks donkey dong (But Mr. Keyes, why don’t you tell us what you really think!) but I applaud the creativity for this one.

This one made me LOL:


I actually altered a bill to base off some the characters from Call of Duty, but that attracted “attention” from the ATF.

 And to finish things off, here’s my attempt, as bad as you’d expect:


Obviously acceptable in all the finest burger joints across the land.


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