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Tag Archives: Best Buy

Planning Ahead For Summer

14 Apr

April 14, 2015

I’ve been thinking about how to spend my summer vacation. (I need something cool to write for my “How I Spent My Summer Vacation” essay when I go back to school in September. Man, fifth grade is going to be tough.) I’ve decided that I’m going to make a movie.

I’m not worried about the little details. I’m sure things like dialogue and plot will come to me as I go along. I’m worried about the important issues, like how many guys in gorilla suits I’ll need, and how much gratuitous nudity can I convince the actresses to do? (This brings up a good point- I may need to buy a casting couch.)

Anyway, I don’t know what kind of movie I’m going to make, but I’m sure it will be cool. I’m going to have Kung Fu fighting gorillas, some sort of space monster with a million eyes, and a life-size cardboard cutout of Jennifer Lawrence.

QUESTIONS:

As the filmmaker, do I have to supply the popcorn to the movie theater, or do they have some sort of deal with Jiffy Pop? (And as the movie maker, can I get a kickback? Just a few bucks on every bag of popcorn sold will do.)

Where can I buy those really big reels they put the film on? And where do I get film anyway? Best Buy only sells digital cameras, no film needed. I could shoot it all on my iPhone, but I don’t want to have to pass it around to everyone in the theater when it comes time to show it.

When I go to the Academy Awards, do I have to walk down the red carpet or can I go in the back? I really don’t want the paparazzi asking me embarrassing questions, like how much I spend on my sneakers.

See you at the show!

director

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The Blackest Friday Yet

29 Nov

November 29, 2014

It was completely against my principles, not to mention against my will, which I considered writing during the ordeal.

“I should have listened to my father’s advice. I should have listened to my father.” Of course, I HAD listened to Dad’s advice. This was the first time in all my 43 years I’d gone shopping on Black Friday. Even worse- this was Thursday night.

And it still gets worse- the store was Kohl’s, a store I dislike because of their overpriced clothes and slow cashiers. But I have to be fair- they do sell good t-shirts, if you ignore the fact that while the graphics are cool, the material is thinner than your average piece of lint.

We ended up in Kohl’s only because I refused to wait in line at Best Buy. The line stretched and snaked around the store and stupid as I felt to be shopping on Black Friday Thursday, no way was I going to lower myself to the level of the motley group standing in the cold for a phone that would be obsolete before I got it out of the box.

I can’t tell you what exactly we went to Kohl’s for- pots? Pillows? The heck of it?- but we ended up with two entirely separate and distinct blenders (which seem to do the same jobs except one blends directly in a cup from the bottom and the other blends directly in a cup from the top) and a Pyrex cooking set. I also picked up a headache and some aggravation, but that was free, no standing in line, which was good, since it was the standing in line that gave me much of the aggravation.

The Modern Depression. Yes, I've used this joke before.

The Modern Depression. Yes, I’ve used this joke before.

The people in front of us had about 108 ugly coats in their wagon, and each one was examined in minute detail, which included holding them up to the light and various family members trying to see the light through the sleeves. I’m not sure what the point of it was, unless it was to see if the sleeves could double as telescope cozies, but that operation was the subject of a great deal of non-English debate. I bring up the fact that they spoke no English not to be biased, but to make you understand why, when the store employees would occasionally ask them to move up, the line was now 20 feet ahead of them, they looked at the employee with complete non-understanding until the employee pointed and waved. And this happened at least four times.

We left, and none of us could find my car in the parking lot. It took almost ten minutes to find it, and when we did, everyone agreed that it was not where we had left it. I, however, know for a fact that it was, because getting in I soaked my foot steeping in the same deep puddle I stepped in getting out.

Next year I stay home and, in honor of my Dad, fall asleep on the couch watching TV.

 

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