Tag Archives: essay

Planning Ahead For Summer

14 Apr

April 14, 2015

I’ve been thinking about how to spend my summer vacation. (I need something cool to write for my “How I Spent My Summer Vacation” essay when I go back to school in September. Man, fifth grade is going to be tough.) I’ve decided that I’m going to make a movie.

I’m not worried about the little details. I’m sure things like dialogue and plot will come to me as I go along. I’m worried about the important issues, like how many guys in gorilla suits I’ll need, and how much gratuitous nudity can I convince the actresses to do? (This brings up a good point- I may need to buy a casting couch.)

Anyway, I don’t know what kind of movie I’m going to make, but I’m sure it will be cool. I’m going to have Kung Fu fighting gorillas, some sort of space monster with a million eyes, and a life-size cardboard cutout of Jennifer Lawrence.

QUESTIONS:

As the filmmaker, do I have to supply the popcorn to the movie theater, or do they have some sort of deal with Jiffy Pop? (And as the movie maker, can I get a kickback? Just a few bucks on every bag of popcorn sold will do.)

Where can I buy those really big reels they put the film on? And where do I get film anyway? Best Buy only sells digital cameras, no film needed. I could shoot it all on my iPhone, but I don’t want to have to pass it around to everyone in the theater when it comes time to show it.

When I go to the Academy Awards, do I have to walk down the red carpet or can I go in the back? I really don’t want the paparazzi asking me embarrassing questions, like how much I spend on my sneakers.

See you at the show!

director

Writer’s Block #2

14 Aug

August 14

I have writer’s block.

What? The pair of reruns this week didn’t give you a clue? Sheesh, take a brain cell out of petty cash, ok?

Anyway, I have writer’s block, and if you doubted it before that lousy brain cell zinger should be all the proof you need. So I went back to the list of odd writing prompts I found online and picked one at random.

Are we alone? (Tufts, 2009)

And for that Tufts charges about a bazillion dollars admission. Anyway, here we go.

Are We Alone?

Are we alone? How should I know? I have no idea who you are or where you are or what you’re doing or even if you are doing it without pants. If you have a secret to tell me and you don’t want anyone around to know it, just back off. I’m not interested.

I hate that question. “Are we alone?” It conjures up images of creepy uncles I won’t talk to any more, strange old men with lotion on their palms, restraining orders, and other memories I work hard to suppress every single day of my life, thank you very much. “Are we alone?” I sure as hell hope we are not.

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