Tag Archives: Allan Keyes

So This Is What My Husband Is Wasting His Time On? By Mrs. Allen Keyes.

4 Feb

February 4, 2014

MRS keyes

I recently found out about what my husband Allen does at 3 in the morning. Alone. In the dark. He’s writing a blog!!! The nerve of that crumbbum! At least if it was porn I could deal with it. But he’s a …..blogger. I can barely say the disgusting word. I mean, really. How could I ever face the gals down at the salon if they knew? Why even the Korean girls doing our nails would feel superior to me! NOOOOO!

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He can be bothered to blog for what I assume is zero wages (I don’t think this “Mr. Blog” concern is exactly on par with my must-read favorite the HuffPo), but  he can’t be bothered to take out the garbage or wash the dishes or flush the forchrissakes toilet after he eats one of his patented tuna and bologna sandwiches. Tunlogna he calls it. I call it a sure bet to make me waste a can of glade masking the aftermath!

And how he writes about me! He’d make you think I was some kind of vile harpy battering him with rolling pins, frying pans, and the like! Like I would ever hit him with ANYTHING…….well, anything that would leave a mark anyway. Lots of nosy people out there you know.

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And let me tell you something…..he’s no prince either. Maybe YOU’D like to put up with finding tufts of shedded back hair in your bed most mornings? Who even knew you could have that situation!??!

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And the string of inanities that comes out of that man’s mouth! I’ve read some of his stuff when he wasn’t around stinking up the house with his gas, so I suppose you actually DO have a clue about how stupid he is. If I have to hear ONE more time about how he wants to own a beagle named bagel, I swear I’ll scream.

So can “Mr. Blog” (if that is your real name? Is your last name really Blog?) just leave my husband Allen alone?  It’s hard enough to get him to wear pants for more than 2 minutes without this blogging thing distracting him. Do you know how humiliating it is when UPS delivers a package and Al is laying around in beat up boxers with the words “Here comes da judge” over the crotch??

Enough with this Mr. Blog sh*t already!

 

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Allan Keyes Hates Lucas

23 Jan

January 23, 2014

keyes

So no column lately, as I’ve recently relocated to a new hovel and have been experiencing the joys of married life. Apparently the stereotypes are true, and I can confirm: rolling pins HURT. So do frying pans. And since my wife has freakish bicep strength, I can report that having a bridge chair winged at your head to revenge repeated 3:00AM nacho cheese and salt & vinegar Utz gassers hurts also. Just sayin’ is all. TOTALLY IN LOVE!

Anyway, why do I break my marital-bliss imposed silence? To vent about the stupidest ads I’ve ever seen on the subway.  My friends, I give you Lucas, the world’s biggest loser!

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Other inanities that Lucas indulges in include paying his rent and (sadly, not able to find a pic and too lazy to take one for proof…) LOVES MAGIC.

(Mr. BTR breaking in here. If I am ever on the subway and I see this guy, I am going to punch him in the mouth. Back to you, Allan.)

So let’s just see what we have here: we have a guy who pays his rent, who likes to dance, who likes to do Yoga, who loves magic (swearsies!) So who is this lame named Lucas? Well it’s obvious to me….he’s HERB, THE LAST MAN ON EARTH WHO HASN’T TRIED A WHOPPER trying to act cool.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Where’s_Herb%3F

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I shouldn’t rag on Herb really – he had some serious WWF cred:  (Per Wikipedia): The World Wrestling Federation had Herb appear as a guest timekeeper during the boxing match between Roddy Piper and Mr. T at WrestleMania 2 at the Nassau Coliseum on April 7, 1986. Clara Peller, the star of the “Where’s the beef?” commercials from Wendy’s, also appeared at the event, working as guest timekeeper during a battle royal.

VINCE MCMAHON IS MY HERO

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Don’t tell me you can’t see it.  A fake wig, lose the glasses, grow one of those pathetic “I don’t have enough testosterone to get proper facial coverage beards and you have Lucas!

Anyway, I’ve been informed that theory is wrong, and that Herb  Lucas is hawking something called Venmo, which I don’t know what it is, I don’t know what it does, but I do hope that every single person involved with it goes bankrupt and ends up on the breadlines. Do we have breadlines anymore? I’m informed by my wife that we don’t. Ok, I hope we re-open breadlines specifically so the Venmo team has to wait on them. And they should be made to wait a good long time. In frigid weather.

(Mr. BTR again. Judging from all we know about Lucas, I suspect Venmo is some sort of erectile dysfunction medicine, or maybe something really cool, like a fancy top hat or chapeau.)

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I’m not the only one on the interwebz to see and detest these ads:

https://www.google.com/search?q=lucas+venmo+ads&oq=lucas+venmo+ads&aqs=chrome.0.69i59.2318j0j7&sourceid=chrome&espv=210&es_sm=93&ie=UTF-8#q=lucas+magic+venmo

It seems that Venmo – instead of drawing interest, is – in wrestling parlance – drawing “X-Pac heat” http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=X-pac%20heat

There’s even a nifty related meme:

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 So in closing, Venmo: eff you.  Lucas:  get bent.   X-Pac: Torn Anus.  Vince McMahon: HERO.  Herb:  HILARIOUS! BEST AD CAMPAIGN EVAH.

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