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A New York Minute (13)

30 Jan

January 30, 2012

Here’s your New York Minute. Go tell the neighbors.

New York has a lot of famous residents, from Donald Trump’s hair to the giant inflatable rat that unions put up outside of non-union construction sites, but the most famous one of all arrived in 1933 and still holds as place in our hearts. Of course I’m talking about the original Big Ape, King Kong.

We all know the story. Carl Denham, played by Robert Armstrong, traveled to Skull Island to make a movie but ended up bringing Kong back to New   York, where the giant ape tore up some train tracks and wrecked some buildings, before finally climbing the Empire State Building where he fell to his death. And in true New York fashion, in the sequel Son of Kong Denham had to dodge about at thousand lawsuits.

The film was a hit and is considered a cinematic classic.

The 1976 version? Not so much.

In 1976 Dino DeLaurentis made  a big-budget remake, which the movie poster somehow called “the most exciting original motion picture event of all time.” It kept the same basic plot but changed some key elements. Kong was found not by a movie producer but an oil company, but the biggest change was that Kong climbed the South Tower of the World Trade Center, which had beat the Empire State Building as the tallest building in Manhattan since the original movie came out.

The film got mixed reviews. Personally, I think it isn’t horrible on the one hand but not too good on the other. But it has one huge drawback. In most scenes, King Kong was played by a man in an ape suit. And it didn’t go over very well when Dino DeLaurentis put out an ad looking for, and I quote, “a well-built black man” to play the ape.

Even Rick Baker, a special effects man known for Hollywood makeup and said that the suit wasn’t at all convincing. And he should know, he wore it. However, they did make, and highly publicized, a 40 foot tall mechanical Kong. It cost 1.7 million dollars but didn’t convince anyone and it ended up appearing in just 15 seconds of footage. Yes, I said seconds. 1.7 million for 15 seconds. However, there were some other giant props, like Kong heads, hands, and arms, and that’s where I come in.

In 1976 my father had an office on the 15th floor of the South Tower of the World Trade Center, and his office overlooked the plaza where King Kong was being filmed. This was the World Trade Center’s first brush with heightened security. People who worked in the building had to have special passes. Certain parts were blocked off for filming. Notices warned everyone that they might be filmed as they went in or out of the building. Extra security and police had to be brought in to keep back the crowds who wanted to get a glimpse of the filming.

Although I was very young I have vague and fuzzy memories of looking down from Dad’s office and seeing some of the filming and especially some of the props. Most of the filming at the Trade Center was done at night but there were always things going happening on the set. And even though it was 35 years ago I’m pretty sure I’ll never forget looking down and seeing a giant ape being laid out in the plaza below the World Trade Center. Some things are unique, and in the age of CGI probably never to be repeated.

Kong has been remade and reimagined over the years, from Peter Jackson’s overly long period piece to the Japanese-made battles with Godzilla and robo-Kong, but I’ll always think of King Kong as the giant gorilla who crushed Charles Grodin under his hairy foot.

This has been your New York Big Ape Minute.

And that giant inflatable rat I mentioned? Here it is:

An audio version of this legend recently appeared in the amazing FlashPulp website. Check them out for awesomeness and goodies!

The Celebrity Apprentice 2012: Now Featuring Celebrities

25 Jan

Januray 25, 2012

OK, time to eat just a little crow. I have always blasted this show for scrapping the bottom of the celebrity barrel. However, this time they have a few real, legit celebrities. Sure, there are still some models on the show only for their boobs but there are some real deal celebs on the list this time around. In fact, a couple of them are still big enough to not need this show. Seriously, what is Penn Jillette doing here?

GEORGE TAKEI

Sulu today.

It is too easy to dismiss him as Sulu. In fact, were this a few years ago I’d have run a 40 year-old shot him on the Enterprise and called it a day. But not now. He’s reinvented himself as, of all things, George Takei. He’s all over the internet and he’s become something of a voice for the gay community. And of course he is the face of SocialSecurity.gov

TIA CARRERE

Relic Hunter! Remember that show? I LOVED THAT SHOW! Seriously, I did. I’m rooting for her. And that picture has nothing to do with it. Doesn’t hurt though.

CLAY AIKEN

Insert your own funny caption here.

Oh my, as George Takei would say (and on the show I guarantee he will.) Where to start? I should say where to start that won’t get me in trouble? Clay Aiken isn’t a has-been, he’s a never-was. After he won American Idol everyone expected big things from him and- what? He didn’t win American Idol? Ruben Studdard won? OK, Ruben Studdard may have done as little as Clay Aiken but at least he hasn’t embarrassed himself. I think you can take it from here.

MICHAEL ANDRETTI

I’m sure he’ll bring a lot to the show, like the ability to drive fast and, um, drive fast. Somebody tell him this isn’t Top Gear. Oh well, if Celebrity Apprentice doesn’t work out he can always become the wheel-man for a gang of jewel thieves. Really, who better to drive a getaway car?

LISA LAMPANELLI

I'm pretty sure that's her on the right.

You might have seen her on the Comedy Central celebrity roasts and probably nowhere else. She is usually the target of some of the dirtiest and foulest jokes I’ve ever heard but to be fair she is kind of funny herself. Here are some of her jokes:

Betty White is so old that on her first game show ever, the grand prize was fire

… he was a very nice guy, very supportive, like Oprah’s husband … Gayle

OK, I only managed to find two funny ones.

DAYANA MENDOZA
PATRICIA VELASQUEZ

Nuff said.

ADAM CAROLLA

My usual line whenever one of these “celebrity” shows has an untalented radio guy is “Baba Booey was unavailable” but not this time. Adam Carolla is unfunny and annoying. His voice is grating and he is uncomfortable to look at. I hope he is the first one fired.

ARSENIO HALL

Arsenio hasn’t worked much lately, has he?

TERESA GUIDICE

One or another of those Real Housewives who were never real housewives. Don’t know her but I expect her to be a total bitch. Why else have her on the show?

LOU FERRIGNO

Ok, let’s get it out of our systems; he’s the Hulk! HULK SMASH CELEBRITY APPRENTICE! RIP WIG OFF PUNY TRUMP’S HEAD! Ah, feels good. But seriously, he overcame partial deafness and became a champion weight-lifter and a successful actor. OK, playing The Hulk may not be a stretch but he also played himself on The King of Queens which, well yeah, OK, may not have been much of a stretch either. But he’s a good guy and I’m rooting for him. Don’t expect him to win though.

VICTORIA GOTTI

You’d think it would be enough being John Gotti’s daughter. Not for her. Not only is she the lowlife loudmouth daughter of a Mafia don, she has her own lowlife loudmouth reality show. Along with Snookie, she makes me ashamed to be Italian, which is a truly major accomplishment because I am not Italian.

CHERL TIEGS

From wikipedia: She is best known for her long-running affiliation with the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue, which featured her on the cover in 1970, 1975, and 1983. The 1978 poster of her in a pink bikini became an iconic 1970s pop culture image.

That tells me she should have been on this show thirty years ago.

AUBREY O’DAY

If you can tear your eyes away, look at the goof on the right.

She’s one of those people I know only because there are a lot of pictures of her looking hot on the internet. She was a member of the reality-show pop-group Dannity Kane which I know primarily as something I laugh at. She’s done some reality shows and is as far off my radar as a hot blonde can be.

DEBBIE GIBSON

Remember when she sang “I Think We’re Alone Now”? It was all downhill from there, unless you count her roles in SyFy Channel epics like Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus and Mega Python vs. Gatoroid. (I was rooting for the Gatoroid.)

DEE SNYDER

He does not need this show. Twisted Sister does well enough without this show. Why is he here? He must have liked it when he guested last season. I only hope he wears his makeup to the boardroom.

PENN JILLETTEThis man is smart. Too smart to be on this show but you know what? He says he has wanted to be on this show for years. I expect he’s using this show just for material. HE is much more than a magician but you can read about when I attended his Vegas show right here.

PAUL TEUTUL SR.

He’s loud. He screams. He abuses his son. He takes credit for other people’s work. He lets Monkey Boy kiss his ass. I LOVE THIS MAN! This is why I will watch every episode of this show and if he gets fired early I will NOT be happy. Paul Teutul Sr. is the reason I will recap this show every single week. Period.