April 13, 2010
American Chopper, the recently cancelled “reality” show, is back. The new series, American Chopper: Senior vs. Junior, promises to show more of what made the original a success- bickering and yelling between two imbeciles while other people make increasingly generic looking motorcycles.
Paul Teutul Sr., the father of this motley crew, began life as the owner of a steel factory. Soon, however, he grew bored with the small town life and gave it all up to become a full-time Hulk Hogan impersonator.
Life on the Hulk Hogan professional impersonation circuit was hard for Sr. Every night he was in a different bar, drinking himself into a stupor while bar skanks rubbed his muscles. Oh, wait, that was his life before he sold the factory. That’s why he doesn’t get along with any of his kids. In fact, the impersonation circuit was profitable for him. Soon, he and a Carrot Top impersonator got together to create a new business based on his first loves- screaming at his sons and motorcycles, and soon OCC was born.
OCC stood for Our Crappy Choppers and was based out of a meat-packing plant in Oswego. Eventually he bought out the Carrot Top impersonator (who turned out to be the real Carrot Top and no one noticed or cared) and brought in his two sons, Paul Jr. and Musky, so named because of the odor coming off his scraggly beard.
Paul Sr. never totally gave up the Hulk Hogan impersonation and would often be seen around town on his custom-made Hulkamania bike.
Whatchoo gonna do? Vrooom!
Luckily for Sr., who knew nothing about motorcycles, Paul Jr. knew slightly more and designed bikes that were good to look at but might kill you if you rode them. For example, The typical OCC bike has webs covering the gas tank, unnecessary tin pieces on the rear wheel, and a paint job from the planet Mars, but lacks rear view mirrors, brake lights, or even the basic rudiments to make it street legal.
American Chopper turned the guys from OCC into stars. The show became a hit and soon people were quitting the show left and right just to get away from Paul Sr. Early on they employed a guy named Vinny. He did everything from wiring the bikes to sweeping up the shop. He was usually the only one who did any work at all, as Paul Jr. would vanish mysteriously every day between 8am and 5pm and Paul Sr. was always going out for massages. Ah, the price of fame. Despite all of that, Vinny soldiered on until he could no longer stand the constant screaming between the Teutuls and he quit. He was an important employee of a booming business and a star of a booming TV show and he quit because the Teutuls were impossible to work with.
What did they scream at each other about? Everything, It became so bad that shows focused less and less on the bikes they made and more and more on the fights. Eventually, Paul Jr., showing he has even less brains than talent, quit the company to form his own design firm. What did his business do? Pitched a line of doggy chew toys to a dog food company.
Sr. kept motoring on and while he still makes bikes, he makes more and more time for his Hulk Hogan impressions.
???
Hulk Hogan, seeing the potential in branching out, followed Paul Sr.’s lead and opened his own store: Hulk Hogan’s Pastamania.
No, I did not make that up.
Yep, he opened it at the Mall of America. Closed it there too.
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