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Tag Archives: Mega Python vs. Gatoroid

The Celebrity Apprentice: Week One

19 Feb

February 19, 2012

For those of you who do not know, I recap American Chopper every week immediately after the show ends. Since Chopper and Apprentice were filmed simultaneously, there will be some overlap for the foreseeable future. For example, on last week’s American Chopper (and you can always get the most recent recap from the link on the right)  Donald Trump commissioned OCC to make a Trump bike and as long as Paul Teutul Sr. remains unfired you can get a double dose of The Donald on this blog tomorrow and every week.

THIS BLOG CONTAINS SPOILERS. Many, many spoilers.

As for this show, I already recapped the contestants and you can click here to find the rundown of all the players.

And now, The Celebrity Apprentice: Week One.

I am writing this as I watch this, which is more or less how I recap American Chopper, so this will be somewhat a stream of consciousness, though maybe not as detailed as my AC blogs- there is just so much I can do!

As we begin, I said in the past and repeat now, that I think Penn will easily win this. He is by far the smartest guy on the show.

Did they just call Adam Carolla an “internet pioneer”? Really? (I just did a check on line, he actually may be!)

Men’s Project Manager: PAUL TEUTUL SENIOR (YES!!!!!)
Men’s Team Name: UNANIMOUS

Women’s Team Manager: PATRICIA VELASQUEZ
Women’s Team Name: FORTE

Task: SELLING CELEBRITY SANDWICHES

During the men’s meeting, Adam Carolla wouldn’t shut up with the bad jokes, and Paul Sr. sat back with a fairly awkward grin on his face.  (Hey, at least he is wearing sleeves for once.) And who would expect Clay Aiken to be the most on-task? Good for him. Paul Sr. sort of wandered into the manager role but hopefully he will have a lot of good “idears.” Ivanka had some trouble believing he could bring in enough money.

On the women’s side, it already looks like Victoria Gotti will be the one that everyone hates the most, which is what I’d have guessed. She is already coming off pretty cranky and clearly has no respect for Patricia.

As we all know, the actual activity of the task is rarely as important as who can call who for how much money, and even before they talked about the task, they discussed who could call who for how much. Which is not to say that the tasks will not be good TV they usually are, but many tasks generally just come down to friends with deep wallets.

Aubrey O’Day: “Out of all the women on this team I have the most Twitter followers.” Isn’t it cute that she thinks that counts? I hope all those 13 year-old girls break open their Hello Kitty piggy banks for her.

Aubrey O’Day: “I have a tendency to be amazingly charming.” I cannot wait to see her accomplish nothing on this show. It was something to see her snatch the mic from Debbie Gibson to get in the spotlight sing with Wyclef Jean who came out to support the women. In the brief 50 minutes this show has been on she has shown that she has a lot of growing up to do.

Meanwhile, there is a George Takei vs. Paul Sr. feud brewing, and I for one am stoked. Paul seems to not know what George’s name is and keeps calling him “Star Trek.” George seems unimpressed by Paul. They are about as opposite as two guys can be. I am waiting for George to say something along the lines of “I didn’t let Bill Shatner push me around and I won’t let you!” I am also hoping Paul comes out with a few things like he’s called his son over the years.

George on Paul Sr.: “I see through him and I’m sure the others can too.” I bet Paul Jr. is rooting for George.

Sandwich day arrived and Victoria Gotti shows up late with some sort of eye injury. Uh huh.

Both teams are putting on a sideshow to get people into their stores but if it came down to watching Penn swallow fire or a kiss from a supermodel, sorry Penn.

Clay Aiken showed more aggressiveness than I thought he would, getting people to spend more than they wanted to. He might be a surprise in coming weeks.

Russell Simmons came into the women’s store and wanted to buy a sandwich for $10,000. The catch- it has to be a vegan sandwich. The women came up with something but Russell! This is for charity! Buy a turkey sandwich and give it away to somebody!

At the 10:00 mark, the men’s shop was empty, totally empty, at lunchtime. Things look bad for Paul Sr. but this show is rarely that obvious. The shop can be empty for two hours and when they reveal the totals the men might blow away the women by several thousand. Still, this show knows how to pump up the drama. Meanwhile, Adam Carolla is already planning to throw Paul Sr. under the bus.

So which two men end up promoting their sandwich on the Rachel Ray Show? Adam and Paul Sr.

10:10 comes and the moment we watch for every week, the boardroom. Even on the happiest teams no one can sow dissention like The Donald and he started with the women. He got Victoria on the defensive and ready to fight, which we all know she can do.

On the men’s side he asked who the biggest star was and Paul said Penn. (For his part, Penn said it was Paul.) Who was your weak link? “I didn’t have a weak player.” But when pushed, he said “George, or maybe Arsenio.” Why George? “He is just a meeker person by nature.” Oh my! George pointed out that he grew up in an internment camp and Donald cautioned him not to confuse quiet for meek. Paul apologized. Why Arsenio? “He was just a random pick, he did nothing wrong.”

Rachel Ray liked the men’s sandwich best and his charity got $30,000 from Cafe Metro. (Just as a personal note, I eat at a Cafe Metro near work fairly regularly and they make a great salad.)

Donald to Paul Sr.: “Do you consider yourself a great leader?”
Paul: “Absolutely.”

I want to see the Paul Junior Designs crew take on that one, Vinnie especially.

The Winner: THE MEN ($494,082)
Going To The Boardroom: PATRICIA, CHERYL, and VICTORIA

The men’s total included a single donation of $300,000 from someone Paul Sr. would not name. I have no special knowledge, but I would not be surprised if Jason Pohl was spotted making a large ATM withdrawal from Senior’s account.

Aubrey O’Day: “Working for Diddy taught me to be perfect.” I hope she sticks around, she is hilarious.

Just about everyone picked Victoria. Lisa Lampinelli singled her out for making personal business calls instead of working. Victoria lied and said she only called her kids but the tape proves otherwise. Cheryl was picked for being slow. Both allegedly brought in the least money on the team.

This is a tough boardroom since, other than the men, no one ever brought in as much money on the first challenge as this team did. Who would Patricia fire? Cheryl. “She was a little bit scattered.” Who would Victoria fire? Cheryl. Who would Cheryl fire? Victoria.

Cheryl: “I don’t know if this is right for me.” UH OH, you know what that means!?!?! Jeez, this is for charity! Fight, Cheryl, fight!

“Cheryl, you’re fired.”

And for some reason Victoria stuck around to fight with Donald, who told her to just get out of the boardroom.

Next week, the teams compete at Medieval Times. This should be good.

The funniest woman on The Apprentice!

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The Celebrity Apprentice 2012: Now Featuring Celebrities

25 Jan

Januray 25, 2012

OK, time to eat just a little crow. I have always blasted this show for scrapping the bottom of the celebrity barrel. However, this time they have a few real, legit celebrities. Sure, there are still some models on the show only for their boobs but there are some real deal celebs on the list this time around. In fact, a couple of them are still big enough to not need this show. Seriously, what is Penn Jillette doing here?

GEORGE TAKEI

Sulu today.

It is too easy to dismiss him as Sulu. In fact, were this a few years ago I’d have run a 40 year-old shot him on the Enterprise and called it a day. But not now. He’s reinvented himself as, of all things, George Takei. He’s all over the internet and he’s become something of a voice for the gay community. And of course he is the face of SocialSecurity.gov

TIA CARRERE

Relic Hunter! Remember that show? I LOVED THAT SHOW! Seriously, I did. I’m rooting for her. And that picture has nothing to do with it. Doesn’t hurt though.

CLAY AIKEN

Insert your own funny caption here.

Oh my, as George Takei would say (and on the show I guarantee he will.) Where to start? I should say where to start that won’t get me in trouble? Clay Aiken isn’t a has-been, he’s a never-was. After he won American Idol everyone expected big things from him and- what? He didn’t win American Idol? Ruben Studdard won? OK, Ruben Studdard may have done as little as Clay Aiken but at least he hasn’t embarrassed himself. I think you can take it from here.

MICHAEL ANDRETTI

I’m sure he’ll bring a lot to the show, like the ability to drive fast and, um, drive fast. Somebody tell him this isn’t Top Gear. Oh well, if Celebrity Apprentice doesn’t work out he can always become the wheel-man for a gang of jewel thieves. Really, who better to drive a getaway car?

LISA LAMPANELLI

I'm pretty sure that's her on the right.

You might have seen her on the Comedy Central celebrity roasts and probably nowhere else. She is usually the target of some of the dirtiest and foulest jokes I’ve ever heard but to be fair she is kind of funny herself. Here are some of her jokes:

Betty White is so old that on her first game show ever, the grand prize was fire

… he was a very nice guy, very supportive, like Oprah’s husband … Gayle

OK, I only managed to find two funny ones.

DAYANA MENDOZA
PATRICIA VELASQUEZ

Nuff said.

ADAM CAROLLA

My usual line whenever one of these “celebrity” shows has an untalented radio guy is “Baba Booey was unavailable” but not this time. Adam Carolla is unfunny and annoying. His voice is grating and he is uncomfortable to look at. I hope he is the first one fired.

ARSENIO HALL

Arsenio hasn’t worked much lately, has he?

TERESA GUIDICE

One or another of those Real Housewives who were never real housewives. Don’t know her but I expect her to be a total bitch. Why else have her on the show?

LOU FERRIGNO

Ok, let’s get it out of our systems; he’s the Hulk! HULK SMASH CELEBRITY APPRENTICE! RIP WIG OFF PUNY TRUMP’S HEAD! Ah, feels good. But seriously, he overcame partial deafness and became a champion weight-lifter and a successful actor. OK, playing The Hulk may not be a stretch but he also played himself on The King of Queens which, well yeah, OK, may not have been much of a stretch either. But he’s a good guy and I’m rooting for him. Don’t expect him to win though.

VICTORIA GOTTI

You’d think it would be enough being John Gotti’s daughter. Not for her. Not only is she the lowlife loudmouth daughter of a Mafia don, she has her own lowlife loudmouth reality show. Along with Snookie, she makes me ashamed to be Italian, which is a truly major accomplishment because I am not Italian.

CHERL TIEGS

From wikipedia: She is best known for her long-running affiliation with the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue, which featured her on the cover in 1970, 1975, and 1983. The 1978 poster of her in a pink bikini became an iconic 1970s pop culture image.

That tells me she should have been on this show thirty years ago.

AUBREY O’DAY

If you can tear your eyes away, look at the goof on the right.

She’s one of those people I know only because there are a lot of pictures of her looking hot on the internet. She was a member of the reality-show pop-group Dannity Kane which I know primarily as something I laugh at. She’s done some reality shows and is as far off my radar as a hot blonde can be.

DEBBIE GIBSON

Remember when she sang “I Think We’re Alone Now”? It was all downhill from there, unless you count her roles in SyFy Channel epics like Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus and Mega Python vs. Gatoroid. (I was rooting for the Gatoroid.)

DEE SNYDER

He does not need this show. Twisted Sister does well enough without this show. Why is he here? He must have liked it when he guested last season. I only hope he wears his makeup to the boardroom.

PENN JILLETTEThis man is smart. Too smart to be on this show but you know what? He says he has wanted to be on this show for years. I expect he’s using this show just for material. HE is much more than a magician but you can read about when I attended his Vegas show right here.

PAUL TEUTUL SR.

He’s loud. He screams. He abuses his son. He takes credit for other people’s work. He lets Monkey Boy kiss his ass. I LOVE THIS MAN! This is why I will watch every episode of this show and if he gets fired early I will NOT be happy. Paul Teutul Sr. is the reason I will recap this show every single week. Period.

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