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Tag Archives: Artie Lange

The Celebrity Apprentice 2012: Now Featuring Celebrities

25 Jan

Januray 25, 2012

OK, time to eat just a little crow. I have always blasted this show for scrapping the bottom of the celebrity barrel. However, this time they have a few real, legit celebrities. Sure, there are still some models on the show only for their boobs but there are some real deal celebs on the list this time around. In fact, a couple of them are still big enough to not need this show. Seriously, what is Penn Jillette doing here?

GEORGE TAKEI

Sulu today.

It is too easy to dismiss him as Sulu. In fact, were this a few years ago I’d have run a 40 year-old shot him on the Enterprise and called it a day. But not now. He’s reinvented himself as, of all things, George Takei. He’s all over the internet and he’s become something of a voice for the gay community. And of course he is the face of SocialSecurity.gov

TIA CARRERE

Relic Hunter! Remember that show? I LOVED THAT SHOW! Seriously, I did. I’m rooting for her. And that picture has nothing to do with it. Doesn’t hurt though.

CLAY AIKEN

Insert your own funny caption here.

Oh my, as George Takei would say (and on the show I guarantee he will.) Where to start? I should say where to start that won’t get me in trouble? Clay Aiken isn’t a has-been, he’s a never-was. After he won American Idol everyone expected big things from him and- what? He didn’t win American Idol? Ruben Studdard won? OK, Ruben Studdard may have done as little as Clay Aiken but at least he hasn’t embarrassed himself. I think you can take it from here.

MICHAEL ANDRETTI

I’m sure he’ll bring a lot to the show, like the ability to drive fast and, um, drive fast. Somebody tell him this isn’t Top Gear. Oh well, if Celebrity Apprentice doesn’t work out he can always become the wheel-man for a gang of jewel thieves. Really, who better to drive a getaway car?

LISA LAMPANELLI

I'm pretty sure that's her on the right.

You might have seen her on the Comedy Central celebrity roasts and probably nowhere else. She is usually the target of some of the dirtiest and foulest jokes I’ve ever heard but to be fair she is kind of funny herself. Here are some of her jokes:

Betty White is so old that on her first game show ever, the grand prize was fire

… he was a very nice guy, very supportive, like Oprah’s husband … Gayle

OK, I only managed to find two funny ones.

DAYANA MENDOZA
PATRICIA VELASQUEZ

Nuff said.

ADAM CAROLLA

My usual line whenever one of these “celebrity” shows has an untalented radio guy is “Baba Booey was unavailable” but not this time. Adam Carolla is unfunny and annoying. His voice is grating and he is uncomfortable to look at. I hope he is the first one fired.

ARSENIO HALL

Arsenio hasn’t worked much lately, has he?

TERESA GUIDICE

One or another of those Real Housewives who were never real housewives. Don’t know her but I expect her to be a total bitch. Why else have her on the show?

LOU FERRIGNO

Ok, let’s get it out of our systems; he’s the Hulk! HULK SMASH CELEBRITY APPRENTICE! RIP WIG OFF PUNY TRUMP’S HEAD! Ah, feels good. But seriously, he overcame partial deafness and became a champion weight-lifter and a successful actor. OK, playing The Hulk may not be a stretch but he also played himself on The King of Queens which, well yeah, OK, may not have been much of a stretch either. But he’s a good guy and I’m rooting for him. Don’t expect him to win though.

VICTORIA GOTTI

You’d think it would be enough being John Gotti’s daughter. Not for her. Not only is she the lowlife loudmouth daughter of a Mafia don, she has her own lowlife loudmouth reality show. Along with Snookie, she makes me ashamed to be Italian, which is a truly major accomplishment because I am not Italian.

CHERL TIEGS

From wikipedia: She is best known for her long-running affiliation with the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue, which featured her on the cover in 1970, 1975, and 1983. The 1978 poster of her in a pink bikini became an iconic 1970s pop culture image.

That tells me she should have been on this show thirty years ago.

AUBREY O’DAY

If you can tear your eyes away, look at the goof on the right.

She’s one of those people I know only because there are a lot of pictures of her looking hot on the internet. She was a member of the reality-show pop-group Dannity Kane which I know primarily as something I laugh at. She’s done some reality shows and is as far off my radar as a hot blonde can be.

DEBBIE GIBSON

Remember when she sang “I Think We’re Alone Now”? It was all downhill from there, unless you count her roles in SyFy Channel epics like Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus and Mega Python vs. Gatoroid. (I was rooting for the Gatoroid.)

DEE SNYDER

He does not need this show. Twisted Sister does well enough without this show. Why is he here? He must have liked it when he guested last season. I only hope he wears his makeup to the boardroom.

PENN JILLETTEThis man is smart. Too smart to be on this show but you know what? He says he has wanted to be on this show for years. I expect he’s using this show just for material. HE is much more than a magician but you can read about when I attended his Vegas show right here.

PAUL TEUTUL SR.

He’s loud. He screams. He abuses his son. He takes credit for other people’s work. He lets Monkey Boy kiss his ass. I LOVE THIS MAN! This is why I will watch every episode of this show and if he gets fired early I will NOT be happy. Paul Teutul Sr. is the reason I will recap this show every single week. Period.

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The All-New Hell’s Kitchen, September 2010: C-List Celebrity Edition

24 Sep

September 23, 2010

Gordon Ramsey has returned to FOX television. Astute viewers may remember him from FOX television’s MasterChef, FOX television’s Kitchen Nightmares, and FOX television’s Gordon Ramsey: Cookalong Live. Despite being off the air for almost seven days, FOX is sure that Mr. Ramsey remains strong in viewer’s memories.

For this year’s edition of Hell’s Kitchen, Gordon Ramsey has again stirred the pot and created a stew of beefy competition. This season, Hell’s Kitchen competitors will be drawn from the world of former celebrities, has-beens, and never-weres.

Out first competitor comes from the world sex, drugs, and rock and roll. OK, mostly drugs. A lot of drugs. Here is…. Artie Lange!

Mr. Lange should provide some stiff competition, if he can remain sober. And alive.

Out next competitor is best, or only, known from the 80’s sitcom The Facts of Life, and nothing else since. We all remember nerdy Natalie, here is…. Mindy Cohn!

We all love Natalie, but where would she be without the rivalry of her snooty roommate Blair?

Yes, our next contestant is Blair Warner herself, Lisa Welchel!

Geri Jewell could not be reached for comment.

Returning to the men’s team, straight from the Soviet Union (via Roanoke Virginia), we have 1980’s WWF heel,  Boris Zhukov!

Staying with the theme of “sports entertainment,” we now move to the co-owner of a team that is neither competitive in sports nor entertaining, the New York Mets very own inept owner, Jeff Wilpon!

If history is any indication, Jeff Wilpon will be out of the competition early. Very early.

Moving back to the women’s side, or not, depending on your point of view, we have…. Divine!

Our next competitor may be our most controversial. He’s been in the news a lot lately, and we expect he’ll have a lot to say, here is…. Mel Gibson!

Mel has agreed to compete only on the condition of anonymity.

For our last two competitors, Gordon Ramsey has saved the best for last. This year, he has gone out of the box. Far, far out of the box.

We present…. Pepe Le Pew!

And, daringly, a kabuki mask!

Gordon Ramsey continues his streak of must-see television! In addition to the stars above, he’s even gone to the lengths of raiding the land of the dead!

Special bonus chef… John Belushi!

FOX television is proud to be the network of Gordon Ramsey, 52 weeks each year, non-stop. We hope that you will stay with FOX later this month for the premiers of Kitchen Nightmares: Mystery of the McDonald’s Grease, and Gordon Ramsey’s Junior Chefs, the competition for five to ten-year olds who like to play with fire.

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