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Is there anything more manly than cheese?

3 Sep

September 3, 2013

Is there anything more manly than cheese?

Frankly there is.

  • Fighting a lion
  • Farting in public
  • Testicles

But not one of them goes great on a burger.

Cheese is awesome! Put it on a burger, nachos, pretzels, melt it on a sandwich, squirt it straight out of the can, lick it off the body of someone you love, whatever you do with it, cheese rocks!

Which is why I had to stop and take this picture.

       DSCN2227                  

I was in New Jersey with Allan Keyes filming doing something I contractually can’t talk about Yes, those are my legs reflected in the window. Aren’t I a great photographer? But artistry be damned, we are talking about cheese! No phony “cheez” here, no plastic gooey stuff, this is the real deal C-H-E-E-S-E! Cheese!

Aside from bacon (mmmm, bacon) what else is there that is such an awesome food? Nothing. If all you had to eat in life were cheese and bacon you’d be very, very happy. And probably die of a massive heart attack in a few weeks but who cares? CHEESE!

So being a cheese loving man I had to stop at the amazingly named Cheese Cave (because when it comes to cheese, we are all cavemen at heart. “MMMM, want more cheese!”) and take a picture of the front window. I could only imagine all the varieties they must have inside- cheddar, Swiss, American, um, cheddar…

I would have loved to go in and browse, maybe buy a pound or ten, but something stopped me. It was a little voice, the voice of reason maybe, or perhaps my conscience, knowing how all that cheese would clog my arteries and make my cholesterol higher than Snoop Dogg/Lion in Mexico, but whatever, it was, it would not let me go in.

“The store is closed, dumb ass.” It was Keyes.

So I left New Jersey, salivating, my hunger for cheese unfulfilled. But don’t worry, there is a happy ending.

We stopped for pizza on the way home. Extra cheese.

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The Hillbilly Saves the Economy (Hillbilly Repost)

30 Aug

August 30, 2013

The Imponderable is on a short vacation. In it’s place, one of my favorite blogs which has not been rerun. And it is nearly exactly two years old.

 

August 18, 2011

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you, The Hillbilly.


With all the talk about the economy and all the trouble on Wall Street I thought I’d give you some advice on how to increase your personal wealth. If everybody would follow some simple rules then we’d have this economy running like a tractor in no time.

1- No need to buy that expensive store-bought pig slop. Good hearty pig slop can be made out of left over parts, gullets, necks, feet, and gizzards and can go straight from your dinner plate to the trough.

2- Why buy a new set of clothes when you start a new job or third grade? A good pair of overalls can last you for years with a little patching in the seat, and it is easy to “accessorize,” like they say in the movie magazines. Change your rope belt for a length of wire and you’ve got a new wardrobe.

3- Who needs high-priced fur coats? Musk rat makes a fine weather keeper-outer, and if you shoot it yourself you can get a meal out of it too. Don’t forget to keep the scent glands, that’s good musk.

4- Making your own mattress isn’t just easy, it can be fun too. Get Granny to form a sewing circle, and the young ones can stuff it with hay from the barn. Just make sure you make it big enough to sleep all your cousins.

5- Schooling? Anyone still in school over age 12 is just putting on airs, I say. The sooner they get to working the sooner the children can pitch in and buy barbed wire.

6- I don’t know what the debt ceiling is or why it so long to raise it, but you and your friends can raise a barn or patch your own ceiling in a day and you only need a couple of jugs of moonshine and some hog ears for lunch.

7- Taxes only get paid if they can find you to pay them.

8- Old cans and jugs never get thrown away. Cans are good for target practice and shooting at them instead of your neighbors keeps you out of trouble. Jugs are good to keep homemade molasses in. And moonshine. A good can should last forever, and who buys canned goods anyway? Waste of money. Like some big green ogre can grow better peas than I have growing behind the outhouse.

9- Never pay a repair man to fix your radio. If you can’t get Ozark Pete on it that set isn’t worth fixing anyway.

10- Going in to town is always a waste of money, especially on a Saturday night. Town-girls are nothing but trouble and always looking for money. If you have to get a woman, look no further than your cousins. You know who they’ve been with and the money you spend on them stays in the family.

You all come back now!

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