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Should Pigs Be More Or Less Literate?

26 Jan

January 26, 2014

Remember Wilbur from Charlotte’s Web? Seemed like a pretty smart guy. If I were a farmer I wouldn’t mind having him in my barn. After a long day plowing, I’d go into the barn, crack open a beer, spend some time just shooting the breeze with the pig, and one nice winter morning, bacon and eggs.

And those pigs from Animal Farm. Napoleon may be the villain of the book, and more of a pig of action, but he sure does get things done. I may not want him on my farm but I have to admit, some of his right hand pigs like Squealer sure can talk up a storm.

Miss Piggy may not yet have talked Kermit into matrimony (yet, give her time) but she sure does deliver the ham.

Which brings me to Maxwell the GEICO pig.

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He seems like a nice guy, and he sure goes places. He flies around the country, he goes to football games and he zip lines, he has dates with attractive women, and he even somehow manages to drive a car, though how his hooves reach the pedals remains a mystery. He also uses the latest technology, which brings us to his latest GEICO ad and Maxwell’s trip to the DMV.

You know, I used to like Maxwell. He was friendly and smart (for a pig) but this commercial just makes me feel bad.

“Gots all my pertinents on it and such.”

WHAT? When did Maxwell start talking like a gibbon? (Gibbons are the idiots of the talking animal world.)

More to the point, why did GEICO write that line? What are they going for? Is it a commentary on the people at the DMV? Some particular demographic I am not quite seeing?

Honestly, I am not all that concerned with the presentation of pigs in media (though I am VERY concerned with cats. Check out my thoughts on LOLcats here.) I am more concerned with what GEICO is thinking about their target audience. Do we not speak proper English? Do we all speak in some sort of combination of slang and illiteracy? Hey, I don’t think every commercial character needs to speak the King’s English or use perfect grammar, but this just stood out like a sore thumb.

Of course, there is also the possibility that this is just a silly little commercial, and kind of funny too.

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Other famous pigs:
Porky
Arnold
Kim Kardashian

 

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Allan Keyes Hates Lucas

23 Jan

January 23, 2014

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So no column lately, as I’ve recently relocated to a new hovel and have been experiencing the joys of married life. Apparently the stereotypes are true, and I can confirm: rolling pins HURT. So do frying pans. And since my wife has freakish bicep strength, I can report that having a bridge chair winged at your head to revenge repeated 3:00AM nacho cheese and salt & vinegar Utz gassers hurts also. Just sayin’ is all. TOTALLY IN LOVE!

Anyway, why do I break my marital-bliss imposed silence? To vent about the stupidest ads I’ve ever seen on the subway.  My friends, I give you Lucas, the world’s biggest loser!

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Other inanities that Lucas indulges in include paying his rent and (sadly, not able to find a pic and too lazy to take one for proof…) LOVES MAGIC.

(Mr. BTR breaking in here. If I am ever on the subway and I see this guy, I am going to punch him in the mouth. Back to you, Allan.)

So let’s just see what we have here: we have a guy who pays his rent, who likes to dance, who likes to do Yoga, who loves magic (swearsies!) So who is this lame named Lucas? Well it’s obvious to me….he’s HERB, THE LAST MAN ON EARTH WHO HASN’T TRIED A WHOPPER trying to act cool.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Where’s_Herb%3F

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I shouldn’t rag on Herb really – he had some serious WWF cred:  (Per Wikipedia): The World Wrestling Federation had Herb appear as a guest timekeeper during the boxing match between Roddy Piper and Mr. T at WrestleMania 2 at the Nassau Coliseum on April 7, 1986. Clara Peller, the star of the “Where’s the beef?” commercials from Wendy’s, also appeared at the event, working as guest timekeeper during a battle royal.

VINCE MCMAHON IS MY HERO

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Don’t tell me you can’t see it.  A fake wig, lose the glasses, grow one of those pathetic “I don’t have enough testosterone to get proper facial coverage beards and you have Lucas!

Anyway, I’ve been informed that theory is wrong, and that Herb  Lucas is hawking something called Venmo, which I don’t know what it is, I don’t know what it does, but I do hope that every single person involved with it goes bankrupt and ends up on the breadlines. Do we have breadlines anymore? I’m informed by my wife that we don’t. Ok, I hope we re-open breadlines specifically so the Venmo team has to wait on them. And they should be made to wait a good long time. In frigid weather.

(Mr. BTR again. Judging from all we know about Lucas, I suspect Venmo is some sort of erectile dysfunction medicine, or maybe something really cool, like a fancy top hat or chapeau.)

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I’m not the only one on the interwebz to see and detest these ads:

https://www.google.com/search?q=lucas+venmo+ads&oq=lucas+venmo+ads&aqs=chrome.0.69i59.2318j0j7&sourceid=chrome&espv=210&es_sm=93&ie=UTF-8#q=lucas+magic+venmo

It seems that Venmo – instead of drawing interest, is – in wrestling parlance – drawing “X-Pac heat” http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=X-pac%20heat

There’s even a nifty related meme:

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 So in closing, Venmo: eff you.  Lucas:  get bent.   X-Pac: Torn Anus.  Vince McMahon: HERO.  Herb:  HILARIOUS! BEST AD CAMPAIGN EVAH.

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