Mr. Blog Versus The Lolcats

1 Jul

July 1, 2011

If there is anything about me that you have to know it is that I hate lolcats. Hate them! I hate them with a passion that most people usually only reserve for their summer school teacher or mother-in-law. I hate looking at them, I hate talking about them, I hate people who like them.

I can barely restrain my rage long enough to type this.

Those damn things are everywhere. It is like somebody’s 50-year old unmarried aunt took over the internet. “Oh look! How cute! The cat wants a cheeseburger! Silly kitty! Kitty-cats can’t eat cheeseburgers.” She then forwards it to everyone in her address book, including her nephew who deletes her messages unopened, all her book club friends, and her pen pal in Michigan, who calls her up later that night to tell her about the wonderful kitty picture she found in her mailbox.

Why do I hate them so much? It isn’t the pictures themselves as much as it is the mindset behind them. I can’t imagine who would find them so cute/funny/loveable. It has to be the same people who keep The Family Circus in business and I hate that too. (I also hate the illiteracy. Cats are usually personified as wise and aloof. Where did the lousy grammar come from?) There is a simplicity and purity about them that drives me nuts. Their wholesomeness only serves to feed something very dark in me. It is a visceral reaction. Very, very visceral.

So of course the lolcats came up in conversation with my brother. It was no accident. He knows what they do to me so he dropped them into a conversation just to hear the bile and venom in my voice, the growl as I started ranting “I hate those &$%^# things! HATE THEM!”

It went on from there. I can be quite eloquent when screaming in near-incoherent rage.

I finally wound down, caught my breath, and ended my side of the conversation with the eminently logical “I was here first!” Since I am old enough to remember rotary phones, LP’s, and my manners, not to mention a time before the internet, I felt pretty secure in my position.

Well, I was half right. Just not the half that counts.

Despite the fact that research into what would eventually become the internet reaches back as far as- yes, this is fact- the 1950’s, the world wide web as we know it didn’t pop into existence until the 1990’s and the first lolcat puked itself online in 2006. (Yes, I actually researched the damned things.) But the story doesn’t end there. I was shocked, awed, dismayed, and just plain flabbergasted, gobsmacked, and slobberknocked to find that the unfunny felines have a history dating back to… hold on for it…the 1870’s.

Yes, the lolcats are part of a tradition that stretches back 140 years.

1905, by Harry Whittier Frees

A very stupid tradition.

Time Magazine once stated that lolcats have “a distinctly old-school, early 1990s, Usenet feel to [them].” Old-school 1990’s? Go back to school, Time Magazine. In Britain, Harry Pointer was taking pictures of his cats and adding funny captions back in the 19th Century.

Thanks, Harry. You have a lot to answer for.

Taking a picture back then was a bit of work. You couldn’t just whip out your cell phone and snap a picture. Even a still life took a good deal of setting up of equipment. On top of that, who would then take the time to get the cats to stay still, let alone dressed, long enough to those pictures? What kind of lonely weirdos were those guys?

I can only imagine my great-great-grandfather looking at that daguerreotype and ripping it up in disgust.

8 Responses to “Mr. Blog Versus The Lolcats”

  1. maximsmadness July 1, 2011 at 12:33 am #

    Though I do like lolcatz sometimes, I definitely hate “I can haz cheezbirger”. I don’t get it and it’s extremely annoying. I would like to find the person who came up with that…I’m sure he is slightly retarded.


    • bmj2k July 1, 2011 at 12:42 am #

      I have to be honest, sometimes I see the appeal, but the cheezberger thing? I don’t get it at all. And some of them are just totally stupid.


  2. Daniel July 1, 2011 at 12:40 am #

    I take it that you’ve never been on the receiving end of a bunch of ” Jesus e – mails “, with schmaltzy, inspirational stories & the injunction to forward them to 500 people on your e – mail list within 30 minutes, or you weren’t a true believer, but rather a Hell – bound heathen ? Deliver me. 😉


    • bmj2k July 1, 2011 at 12:45 am #

      Nope, never got one, I have serious filters on my email. But you should see some of the spam I get here:

      This was left for an old Disney post, The Walt Disney Conundrum:

      to whom it may concern i am legally blind an have been offered a job at disney 2 months ago i would not take it if you gave me a million dollars i WASTOLD TO LEAVE THE FOOD COURT AREA A MONTH LATER. i ask to speak to manager when all said an done 3 out 5 it was hell why did i still let people speak to or pet when out of harness it human compassion on the second last day the managment came up to me and ask us can you please explain the ada about seeing eye dog my remark they amitted there leagal dept said it illeagal what they did all managers did not what to say i ask you is what dreams are made of as disney says i believe not


      • Daniel July 1, 2011 at 12:58 am #

        The spelling errors are messing w / my corneas & retinas !! It BURNS !
        The goggles, they do nothing…..

        I had a former Neo – Con Religious Right neighbor who sent me a barge – load of ” Jesus ” & religious e – mails, & also e – mails stating how much Democrats & Liberals were mucking up the country until I had to finally block her. Her address book dwindled down to about 5 people after she began foisting her political views on everyone.


  3. Thomas Stazyk July 1, 2011 at 6:29 am #

    I’d never heard of lolcats before but now that you mention it, I hate them.


    • bmj2k July 1, 2011 at 7:25 pm #

      I just assumed everyone had seen those infernal things by now,



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