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Spotlight: A Response To Allan Keyes

4 Aug

August 4, 2012

“No Mr. Keyes, You Are Not Funny”

Dear Sirs-

It has come to my attention that you have been getting quite the mileage out of an unfortunate photo that was taken of me and posted on the internet without my knowledge or consent.

You see Mr. Keyes, I am indeed the gentleman that you and your cohort “Mr. Blog” (such a pathetic nom de plume) have repeatedly and cruelly labeled as “fat guy eating cheeseburger.”  For the record – not that you and your publisher care – my real name is Norman Snackmunch, and I do not appreciate having that out of-context photo being constantly used to deride and degrade me.

Sir, in my day I have played to great praise in many of Shakespeare’s plays.  Enclosed is a photo of me in my acclaimed role of Falstaff, a role that I played on the stage of the Old Vic itself!  Would that you print that instead of the humiliating picture snapped of me in my weakest moment!  I have several doctorates, am an ordained minister, and have been the recipient of the Elks Lodge Humanitarian of the Year award multiple times. But to you and your few uninformed readers, I am merely an overweight gentleman stuffing myself that is appropriate to be made sport of. How dare you!

I wish to educate you Mr. Keyes, as to just how that picture came to be.  I was naturally disheveled at the time, as I had just spent the previous three and a half days in a creative frenzy finishing my 15th sonata (seven of my previous 14 had been performed on stage, accompanied by no less a personage than Pavarotti himself!) As is my custom, when I create, I am so single-minded that I forego eating and sleeping.  So naturally, when I finished the final glissando, I realized how ravenously hungry I was. My problem was compounded because my wife Beatrix, deeply involved in a project of her own (she edits the New England Journal of Medicine) had neglected the shopping.

I ventured from my townhouse to find sustenance, but at that hour of the night, the only establishment open was the local Fuddruckers. And unfortunately, a hamburger eating contest was about to start. I was walking to the counter, fully intending to make my order and leave, when the emcee of the event noticed my advanced poundage, and cruelly goaded me into participating.

Mr. Keyes, it was not my intent to compete. But the emcee called me out in some of the vilest manners! One particular barb that rankled was his assessment of me as being “all hat, no cattle” when I repeatedly refused to join in– well dammit, I have my pride sir!  I entered, resolved to teach that blaggard a lesson, when at that fateful and unfortunate moment, some person unknown to me snapped that now infamous photo of me and posted it on Google.  Needless to say, the fact that I triumphed in the contest has turned into quite the pyric victory for me, even despite the stylish championship belt that was my prize.

The aftermath has been both personally and professionally awful for me. When Beatrix travels to conferences, jokers plaster her room with pictures of me. In one of them someone photoshopped  a porkpie hat onto my head! As if I would ever wear such a silly article of clothing! Had I ever donned one, even in jest, my haberdasher Mr. Detwiler would discontinue accepting my trade. Mr. Keyes sir, you may meddle with me if you so choose, but mark my words sir, you dare not interfere with my continued access to Mr. Detweiler’s homburgs!

Everywhere I go, the public taunts me, thanks to you. Even on campus, on my way to lecture my advanced calculus students, people yell things at me such as “Hey fat guy, way to go!” and “Hey fat guy, how did that burger taste?”  And most often of all “Hey, fat guy! That Allen Keyes sure is funny!”

No Mr. Keyes, you are not funny.  You are most definitely unfunny (Beatrix concurs, though for some unfathomable reason she did enjoy something called “Hollywood Russell” that she saw on this web site).  It is my fervent hope that now I have enlightened you as to your error, that you and your supervisor “Mr. Blog” refrain from using that photograph in the future.

Thank you for your time.

Signed,

 Norman Snackmunch, Ph.D. 

PS- I find the grammar and spelling content of your weblog – your entries in particular – to be appalling. The only thing worse than your grammar is the quality of your Photoshop work.

 

****

 

By way of apology, Mr. BTR presents:  Fat Guy Eating Hamburger Wearing Homburger:

 

In case you were wondering, this has been

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Spotlight: Peter Church (2012)

2 Aug

August 2, 2012

You might remember Peter Church from his Spotlight last year. Here is what I wrote at the time:

Meet the Renaissance Man, Peter Church… Peter has spent the last six years as a repertory actor for The Classical Theatre Project (Toronto), logging thousands of performances in productions of Hamlet, Macbeth, Romeo & Juliet, Othello and A Midsummer Night’s Dream…

He also, as you are about to read, does a whole lot more. As I said last year, he’s taken something I’ve long wanted to do and actually made a go of it. I’m jealous, but on the other hand I am not nearly as talented.

He’s been busy since the last time we checked in on him. And he has not given me one reason to let go of my jealousy in the recent months. As good a person in real life as you will ever find, (although I wonder about his choice of pets), read on and see what he’s up to now. This is a man who does not let time pass him by.

And oh yeah, he’s a darn good (and smart) writer as well.

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A few years ago I became enthralled with the term Pro Bono.  More accurately, I became enthralled with its Latin origin, Pro Bono Publico, translated as “For the Public Good”. 

Andrew Knowlton / Marie Jones in “The Man who Found Out” by Algernon Blackwood

For the Public Good… I like that.  I like the idea that some things are done simply because they are extremely good for Society.  This sentiment was a large driving force behind my partners and I when we created Radio Project X (www.radioprojectX.com).  After all, no one expects to turn a profit by producing radio plays fifty years after the death of the genre!  I suppose we do get other benefits from the process… like simply getting to write and perform radio plays!  That’s pretty rare and wonderful.  We also get to laugh and work with a number of tremendously talented artists and musicians – that’s pretty rewarding and inspiring.  And I guess it can also make us feel better about being “starving artists”.  That’s to say, if I were performing every month pro bono it’d sound to my parents like I was working for free and was a sucker, but if I’m performing every month “for the Public Good”, suddenly I’m working for a cause and I’m a philanthropist. 

from “The Evolution of Money” by Neil Jones

“The Public Domain”.  That’s another concept I love.  I’ll bet we have the notion of “Pro Bono Publico” to thank for the Public Domain as well!  It’s as though we’ve collectively agreed that if a story is told and re-told enough – when it’s been handed down through generations – then it belongs to all of us; it becomes part of us.  I know the issue of copyright is a complex and controversial one, but I love the sentiment behind the Public Domain, nonetheless.

There’s a wonderful free service in Toronto called ALAS. 

This hilariously appropriate acronym stands for “Artists’ Legal Advice Services”, and they do just that: provide free legal advice to professional artists.  They, understandably, tried very hard to advise us not to do recreations of radio plays or even short-story adaptations.  They dutifully explained that even though many of the old BROADCASTS are in the Public Domain, it doesn’t necessarily mean that the SCRIPTS are in the Public Domain.  To be certain of avoiding any “Imperial Entanglements” they suggested that I’d need to hunt down the writer of each script (or surviving family members) and confirm that they did not, in fact, happen to copyright the particular manuscript in question.  Sadly, the stinging reality around Old-Time-Radio is that many of the directors, writers and actors have had their names lost to Time.  Full series like “The Haunting Hour” (http://relicradio.com/otr/series/haunting-hour/) remain entirely un-credited.  Alas, ALAS maintained that the legal burden would be on us to uncover these missing identities in order to confirm that recreating their work would not be an infringement of copyright.

I told them that would be an impossible task.

They agreed.  And suggested we stick exclusively to writing original material.  Q.E.D.

Peter Church / John Fleming / Andrew Knowlton / Claire Armstrong / Scott Watkins in “Invasion of the Cheese Men!”

In a last-ditch filibuster, I ranted about OTR transcription discs, Shakespeare’s First Folio, World War Two, the history of Human Communication, the problem with modern entertainment, and of course… The Public Good.  ALAS eventually acknowledged that modern audio entertainment, like Radio Project X or our friends at www.flashpulp.com, is a vital part of keeping the old stories alive by introducing a modern audience to the tradition of “Sound Entertainment” to tune-in the power of Human Imagination.

As MP3 players become ubiquitous, people are becoming accustomed to listening to what they want, when they want.  The public’s aural horizons are broadening beyond the Top 40 and (thanks to the Internet) they’re able to try out new (or very old) listening material. It’s our hope that Radio Project X can bridge the gap between the modern podcast culture and the richness of classic radio drama.  

On our website, please keep an ear out for some of our hilarious original sketches and things like Algernon Blackwood’s chilling tale, “The Man who Found Out” or Philip K. Dick’s sci-fi story, “Beyond Lies the Wub”.

This month we not only have special musical guest, Katie MacTavish crooning for us, but we’re also very excited to have permission from the Theodore Sturgeon Literary Trust (http://www.theodoresturgeontrust.com/) to perform our adaptation of Sturgeon’s creepy story, “The Other Ceila”. We’ll also be performing some hilarious commercials and radio sketches, so if you’re near Toronto on August 14 or 21, come and experience what you can’t find anywhere else – it’s only ten bucks and besides… it’s for the Public Good!

“Good night and good luck!”

Peter Church
peter@radioprojectX.com
www.facebook.com/radioprojectX
www.twitter.com/radioprojectX

Radio Project X.  It’s Sound Entertainment.

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Hi, me again. I just want to say that all of his projects, links, etc, have nothing but good and fun, and sometimes good fun, associated with them, so click away and check them out.

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