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So This Is What My Husband Is Wasting His Time On? By Mrs. Allen Keyes.

4 Feb

February 4, 2014

MRS keyes

I recently found out about what my husband Allen does at 3 in the morning. Alone. In the dark. He’s writing a blog!!! The nerve of that crumbbum! At least if it was porn I could deal with it. But he’s a …..blogger. I can barely say the disgusting word. I mean, really. How could I ever face the gals down at the salon if they knew? Why even the Korean girls doing our nails would feel superior to me! NOOOOO!

                       mk1

He can be bothered to blog for what I assume is zero wages (I don’t think this “Mr. Blog” concern is exactly on par with my must-read favorite the HuffPo), but  he can’t be bothered to take out the garbage or wash the dishes or flush the forchrissakes toilet after he eats one of his patented tuna and bologna sandwiches. Tunlogna he calls it. I call it a sure bet to make me waste a can of glade masking the aftermath!

And how he writes about me! He’d make you think I was some kind of vile harpy battering him with rolling pins, frying pans, and the like! Like I would ever hit him with ANYTHING…….well, anything that would leave a mark anyway. Lots of nosy people out there you know.

 mk2

And let me tell you something…..he’s no prince either. Maybe YOU’D like to put up with finding tufts of shedded back hair in your bed most mornings? Who even knew you could have that situation!??!

 mk3

And the string of inanities that comes out of that man’s mouth! I’ve read some of his stuff when he wasn’t around stinking up the house with his gas, so I suppose you actually DO have a clue about how stupid he is. If I have to hear ONE more time about how he wants to own a beagle named bagel, I swear I’ll scream.

So can “Mr. Blog” (if that is your real name? Is your last name really Blog?) just leave my husband Allen alone?  It’s hard enough to get him to wear pants for more than 2 minutes without this blogging thing distracting him. Do you know how humiliating it is when UPS delivers a package and Al is laying around in beat up boxers with the words “Here comes da judge” over the crotch??

Enough with this Mr. Blog sh*t already!

 

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Monday Monday, Can’t Trust That Day

20 Jan

January 20, 2014

I’m not working today and if you are a government employee neither are you. Of course, being a government employee means you are likely not working too hard on any day. (I’m looking at you, woman at the pickup window of my post office.) But today, thanks to Martin Luther King Jr, we all have a free day. Free at last, free at least, oh Lord I have this Monday free at last!

So, being the dynamic go-getter that I claim to be, I decided to be proactive and get ahead of the game, and other nonsense business-type gobbledygook. I dynamically got out of bed and, in a fit of proactive action, strode to my computer and, while still wearing my pajamas and unshaved or showered, googled “things to do on Monday.”

The first link was from askmen.com and that sounded good to me, because had it been from askgophers.com I might have skipped it.

They had a top ten list of things to do on Monday, tailored to dynamic and proactive guys like I claim to be when I fill out my self-assessment at work. Perfect! It was a great list, until I clicked on the very first item and ground to a dead halt.

NUMBER TEN: Use Your Weekends Effectively.

ttclock

What? What? Hello, askem.com, this is MONDAY! The weekend is over! Unless the rest of number ten contained detailed instructions on how to build a time machine and go back in time to use my weekend effectively, there’s something wrong here.

You can’t have a great Monday morning if you had a lousy weekend. Work is obviously important if you want to be successful, but there’s always something that can wait until Monday. Weekends are a time for yourself — to unwind, to relax and to think. In fact, many people do their best thinking during leisure time, because you’re free from other work distractions and can think abstractly. Whether you spend your weekends still working or raging into the wee hours, it’s time to dial it back and give yourself time to reset.

WTF? This should be on a list of things to do on Friday. How is this going to help me today?

And then I realized- I am not working today, making this effectively another Sunday. This IS STILL THE WEEKEND, really.

So taking askmen.com’s advice, I’m going back to bed.

 

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