Tag Archives: tricks

Monday Monday, Can’t Trust That Day

20 Jan

January 20, 2014

I’m not working today and if you are a government employee neither are you. Of course, being a government employee means you are likely not working too hard on any day. (I’m looking at you, woman at the pickup window of my post office.) But today, thanks to Martin Luther King Jr, we all have a free day. Free at last, free at least, oh Lord I have this Monday free at last!

So, being the dynamic go-getter that I claim to be, I decided to be proactive and get ahead of the game, and other nonsense business-type gobbledygook. I dynamically got out of bed and, in a fit of proactive action, strode to my computer and, while still wearing my pajamas and unshaved or showered, googled “things to do on Monday.”

The first link was from askmen.com and that sounded good to me, because had it been from askgophers.com I might have skipped it.

They had a top ten list of things to do on Monday, tailored to dynamic and proactive guys like I claim to be when I fill out my self-assessment at work. Perfect! It was a great list, until I clicked on the very first item and ground to a dead halt.

NUMBER TEN: Use Your Weekends Effectively.


What? What? Hello, askem.com, this is MONDAY! The weekend is over! Unless the rest of number ten contained detailed instructions on how to build a time machine and go back in time to use my weekend effectively, there’s something wrong here.

You can’t have a great Monday morning if you had a lousy weekend. Work is obviously important if you want to be successful, but there’s always something that can wait until Monday. Weekends are a time for yourself — to unwind, to relax and to think. In fact, many people do their best thinking during leisure time, because you’re free from other work distractions and can think abstractly. Whether you spend your weekends still working or raging into the wee hours, it’s time to dial it back and give yourself time to reset.

WTF? This should be on a list of things to do on Friday. How is this going to help me today?

And then I realized- I am not working today, making this effectively another Sunday. This IS STILL THE WEEKEND, really.

So taking askmen.com’s advice, I’m going back to bed.





Would you hire THIS gentleman for your child’s party? (Classic Majic Post!)

13 Aug

August 13, 2013

It’s those dog days of summer, and when I think of dogs I think of Allan Keyes. Here is another of my favorites from the Keyes Kollection.


from October 15, 2012

Hi everyone! Sorry I had no content for you the other week. (Or, given the state of my drivel, maybe it should be “you’re welcome”)  I was too engrossed in my fantasy baseball playoff finals to write. Seriously.  Anyone out there play fantasy baseball? If yes, you’ll be familiar with this. Getting into the finals are a chore, I was leading my opponent pretty good but then the guy decided to stream pitcher after pitcher and I had to match otherwise I’d basically give up several categories without a fight. But that takes lots of research, making sure I pick up good pitchers, etc. And believe me, I didn’t  invest $200 and 7 months of my life so I could lose in the finals to a guy who names his team “The Farts”. Seriously.  During the season when he won a weekly matchup he’d post the same obnoxious message in the forum “YOU JUST GAWT FARRRRRRTED ON!”  The amount of “Rs” in the word fart depended on how badly he beat you. Seriously again. So rather than have to listen to that, I spent an entire week+ researching 3rd-tier starting pitchers with names like Erasmo Ramirez  http://espn.go.com/mlb/player/_/id/31983/erasmo-ramirez  and Esmerling Vazquez.   http://espn.go.com/mlb/player/stats/_/id/29996/esmerling-vasquez  Yes, it was much fun as it sounded like.

Anyway, yes I DID win, thanks for asking.  The message I posted for “The Farts” was much too graphic and scatological to go into here. The good news is now I only have to spend Sundays watching NFL RedZone to see how my fantasy football teams did. (RG3 BABY! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!)

Yeah, I’m both a degenerate gambler and a nerd. That’s the fantasy sports demo in a nutshell. Now onto this week’s stuff!

Check out this 30 seconds of hilarity:

I see this commercial every evening on my local station and I gotta say…….HELL YEAH I’D HIRE THIS GUY FOR MY KID’S PARTY!!!!  Well, I would actually only if I was divorced and wanted to endlessly piss off the ex by hiring this epic fail clown for the worst kids party evah.

I mean, look, here’s a video of “Uncle Majic” that he posted HIMSELF. So it’s his own fault really. Note the crying birthday girl:

WHY IS HE YELLING AT THOSE KIDS SO MUCH??  It’s like having a birthday party with R. Lee Ermey as the entertainment.  And where’s “Uncle Majic” anyway? It’s just some dude in a sweater. It’s like paying to see a Madea movie and only seeing Tyler Perry.                 


The costume certainly does matter. Heck, if I actually shelled out for this guy part of the reason would be expressly to see him in that awfuk outfit. (Not “awful,” “awfuk.” Try it, you’ll like it. – Mr. BTR)(Thanks for not correcting my typos. – AK)  Now the gentleman in question certainly does have magic (or should I say “majic”) skills – my only magic trick is making a giant Italian hoagie disappear in short order – but I’m not sure I’d have him come yell at my kids and make my birthday child cry. But hey, the hip hop magician has got to be better than the Egytpian Magician:

PS- When searching “Uncle Majic” on google, I came across this one:

God I love/despise the internets!!!!!!

Mr. BTR here. I love Uncle Majic. If I were having a party I’d invite him just so I could heap abuse on him. But I do admire the guy. He is always on and always in character, even if his only audience is the bored guy at the car wash who couldn’t give a crap about the Hip-Hop Magician. This guy’s life is bad enough, washing cars in the middle of the night; he has to put up with this too?

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