Archive | Blogging RSS feed for this section

South Africa May Want To Rethink That Commercial

23 Apr

April 23, 2013

I was watching The Apprentice on Sunday and the contestants had to create an ad for South African tourism. Lil Jon was excited because he wanted to do something exciting about safaris. After all, that is what most people think of when they consider going on a vacation to South Africa. However, the South African Tourism people did not want to focus on that. They wanted to focus on things people don’t immediately think of, like vineyards and golf.

Personally I think that is a mistake. If I want a wine and golf vacation I can stay in the United States and skip the twelve-hour international flight. I can also skip the jet lag, the language barrier, the twelve-hour international flight home, the jet lag on the trip home, the lost luggage, etc, etc, etc.

And there is this: During The Apprentice, Gary Busey repeated ( and repeated and repeated) to the South African executives how years ago, when he was shooting a film in Johannesburg,  he heard some people being murdered right behind his hotel.

That did not go over well with anyone.
sa logo

South Africa has been spending a lot of money lately to promote their part of the world. Here in NYC, they sponsor the traffic reports on the all-news station I listen to during my drive to work. However, I am not their target audience. They are aiming at an upscale (and specifically white) demographic that has never considered traveling to South Africa. The attractions they focus on are:

– Golf
-Wine
-The Nelson Mandela Museum
-Beautiful sunsets
– Street festivals

Take out the Mandela museum, and what is on that list that I can’t do in almost any other country of the world? To be fair, one of the people in the radio ad does say there is nothing like hearing a lion roar up close, but on the other hand, I heard lions roar in The Bronx Zoo, The London Zoo, and The San Diego Zoo. And what is a nature preserve in Africa but a bigger zoo?

However, although I think their focus may be misguided, there is a particular part of the radio ad that I truly believe the South African tourism board really needs to rethink. I can’t find it online, and I have not managed to make a recording of it, so I’ll have to describe it to you as best I can.

The premise of the ad is that a man and a woman are describing their recent South African vacation, but there was so much to do that they only have time to talk about their top five favorite things. The couple’s voices and their interests are very, very, stereotypically white. You just know they are the kind of people whose idea of rocking out is to put on some James Taylor and then fall asleep to his sonorous tones. (I’ve seen fire, I’ve seen rain….sssnnnnnzzzzzz.) For an exciting evening they drink an extra glass of wine, watch John Stewart, and phone in a donation to PBS. They may even read a ribald article in The New Yorker.

Anyway, they list the first few things they loved: golf, wine, sunsets, The Mandela Museum. You know, all the stuff people want to see in South Africa, not the wild animals or nature preserves. Not the savannah or native villages. You know, stuff like golf, which I can do right here at home, and wine, which I can get right here at home, and sunsets, which I can see right here at home (or anywhere else in the world- they have the sun in the North Pole too, just not every day.)

I do admit that I can only see The Nelson Mandela Museum in South Africa, but truth be told, I wouldn’t go there anyway. There are plenty of museums in NYC I haven’t been to either.

(And just as an aside, did you see there is a reality show about Nelson Mandela’s family?  What a way to honor your family legacy, Mandelas. You should be so proud. They fight and argue and act stupid like every other stupid reality show. One granddaughter says “when I spend money it has my grandfather’s picture on it!” Ladies and gentlemen, brains like that do not come around every day.)

being_mandela_nelson_mandela_reality_tv

But to get back to the radio commercial, there is still one highlight to go. I’ll try to recreate it as best I can.

VERY WHITE SOUNDING MAN: You know, you really impressed me when you joined the Soweto Street Party and learned the latest local dances.
VERY WHITE SOUNDING WOMAN: You weren’t so bad yourself. I didn’t know you had moves like that.
VERY WHITE SOUNDING MAN: You didn’t know you married a Zulu Warrior, did you?
BOTH: HA HA HA HA HA!

Does anyone else see a problem here? Did you catch it?

Go back and reread it.

And now I will rephrase it for you.

WHITE WOMAN: You weren’t so bad yourself. I didn’t know you could dance so well.
WHITE MAN: You didn’t know you married a black man, did you?

Get it? When she compliments his dancing and his rhythm, he compares himself to a black man.

And never mind the fact that the proud history of the Zulu Nation has been dumbed down to them simply being great dancers.

BTW- until I googled it for this post, I was sure he said “Sweater” Street Party.

This could all be attributed to some dumb USA ad agency at work. God knows they create enough dumb ads, but as seen on The Apprentice, the people in charge of the tourism board are a pair of South African women. They really ought to have known better.

Donald Trump with the brains behind South African Tourism.

Donald Trump with the brains behind South African Tourism.

Allan Keyes: A Life Wasted

22 Apr

April 22, 2013

keyes1.jpg

I spent yesterday at work daydreaming about my third favorite subject: video games  (Numbers 1 and 2 were bacon and anger) and I was stunned to realize just how much time I’ve wasted with games since I was a wee little kid.

I was an active kid. I loved to run around outside and play. And then Dad bought home an original Atari 2600:

       d1                

That was it for me being skinny. I remember the night he was setting it up – he warned Mr. B and I not to touch anything. I touched the pong controller (the one with the round knob) (Mr. BTR Says: This is not the last time Keyes will be attracted to a round knob, nudge nudge wink wink.) and got yelled at. I got over it. Especially with my favorite game of all time, Yar’s Revenge to play.  Not only had I discovered my crack at a young age, I was mainlining it!

After the Atari broke (DON’T BLAME ME!) for some reason Dad tried something different:

 d2

Studio 2. More like Number 2 if you know what I mean. This was Atari’s main competition at the time.  How could they lose? THEY HAD A FRICKING “GAME” CALLED BIORHYTHM FOR GODS SAKE. Part of the “TV Mystic Series” (nice touch)  You entered your birthday and other biographical info via the keypad, and the TV screen filled up with various squiggles. Woopee. Seconds of endless fun! The thing on the right side is allegedly bowling. *Shudder*  We sent a guy to the moon but fat kids had to play biorhythm without a controller even in their living rooms. I blame Jimmy Carter.

 

After that abomination, we upgraded big time. No, we didn’t have ColecoVision – one of the great regrets of my overly pampered life. We had something better: Intellivision!

 d3

This was the last of the video game consoles that had wood paneling.  A minor thing but it really reflects an aesthetic, the manufacturers designed these to be put in the middle of the family room to be enjoyed by all, not just by some withdrawn pimply slacker yakking on his headset to his pals about he just pw3d that noob or whatever they yammer about today.  Anyway, I got so addicted to Astrosmash (a Space Invaders/Asteroids ripoff) that I actually faked sick days in school to stay home and play.  The controllers were kind of cool looking but clunky, and you had to put overlays over the keypads to get the right control commands, and they got ripped and crumpled awful fast.  Only one odd thing though – did you ever see a system that shipped with a bundled cartridge game as lame as “Poker and Blackjack”?

 d4_5

And I still spent HOURS playing this. You know what was kind of cool though? The douchy-looking dealer’s eyes would shift back and forth while shuffling as if he was going to do something shady. Nice touch!

Still, we were so solidly an Intellivision house, that we stayed loyal customers a few years later:

 d6

Snazzy redesign eh? What was SOOOOOOOOO cool about this one was that it had an add on: INTELLIVOICE. It was I believe the first voice synthesis module for a console. You could actually hear voices in the game instead of the boinks and bleeps and bloops previously featured. And Intellivision took this awesomeness and wasted it  on an absolutely piece of ass game called “Space Spartans” which was so thrilling that I tossed it aside to play Biorhythm on our old Studio 2 that I dug out of the closet (that really happened) But read this http://www.everything2.com/index.pl?node=Space%20Spartans  – I think if they remade this game today properly, it could be HUGE.

I2 (as us cool kids called it) had one superstar game: ATLANTIS!

da

You had to defend two domed (and doomed!) cities from increasingly hard waves of spaceships using only 2 guns (those red blotches at the sides) and one shuttle that only had 90 seconds of life before it either crashed or had to refuel. This was another one I played over and over.

 And after that, nothing for a long while. Atari came out with their ill-fated “E.T.” game which singlehandedly tanked the video game industry in North America for around a decade. And I was forced to get out and breathe fresh air for a few years. I look back and call them the dark times. But I was able to whine and pester my parents into righting my world by getting me one of those newfangled Nintendos!

 d7

I had my electronic high back. AS IT SHOULD BE. The original Legend of Zelda was so cool!!!!!!!!!!! It came in a gold cartridge that actually had a battery in it that allowed you to save your progress (FINALLY!) And they don’t look like much now, but the graphics and gameplay were a light year jump ahead of even the best Intellivision game. I would play games while laying on my bed, I’d play for so long I’d wear a big dent down the middle of the mattress.

When this got played out, I stepped up in class:

 d8

This was the first game system that I paid for myself. I had to slice a LOT of bologna to pay for this (and yes, I worked at a deli, get your mind out of the gutter. I didn’t love games THAT much !)

This system was ok, but I wasn’t feeling it really. I do remember one stupid comment I made back in the day “Look at these graphics, why bother getting them any better, this is all you need.”  FAIL!  As soon as I got a chance, I ditched this old and busted system for the new hotness:

 d9

Disks? No more cartridges? NO WAY!  I played Final Fantasy 7 until my fingers cramped up. This one was really my first fantasy RPG and I gorged myself on it. This was the first (and still only) game I actually went and purchased one of those thick strategy guides for, to help me find every single stupid potion and treasure hidden around the world map. I spent hours and hours breeding my chocobo to get a golden one. It’s not as pathetic as it sounds, I swear…………ok, actually yeah it is as pathetic as it sounds.

 d10

I purchased PS2 specifically to be able to play this game. I never advanced the missions at all. I did what any other junior psychopath did with this game: I would get a hooker (in the game) go do the er…transaction, and afterwards, bludgeon her with a baseball bat and take the money back. I also loved to play the Kobayashi Maru scenario in the game:  I’d gun down a cop, jack a cop car and run. The challenge was seeing how long I’d last with 5 wanted stars and the entire police force shooting to kill. If I went into an alley heavily armed with a cop car to block the way, I could hold out quite a while.

Now we’re getting back to familiar territory. I went to a friend’s house, and we played his  Xbox, and I saw a game where one soldier had a freaking CHAINSAW GUN and was using it to eviscerate monsters. SOLD!

 d11

I sh*t you not, I burned out that Xbox and purchased and new one, where I discovered the joys of blowing up people army style:

 d12

And I played THIS one until I got Red Rings of Death (NOT the STD) (RROD to the uninitiated). Now maybe Microsoft makes a shoddy, unsturdy product but I’m hooked. Which brings me to my new sexy baby:

 d13

And that’s currently where I’m at.  Happily playing away. I’m planning on adding to the legacy by getting a Kinect in the next few months. Sharks gotta keep swimming you know!

So I look back on my life, as measured just by all the video game systems that have come and gone, and I have to tell you, I spent a LOT of hours  alone, staring blankly at a TV screen.

I DON’T REGRET A THING!