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Here’s Why I Won’t See The New Fantastic Four Movie

28 Jul

July 28, 2015

LNMH FF

I already have ridiculously low expectations for the new Fantastic Four movie. The odds are against it. There have already been three lousy FF films, why should this be any better? And that’s pretty sad for me because the Fantastic Four is- hands down- my favorite Marvel title. I own every issue of the series on CD ROM. I have collections, collections, and more FF collections on my book shelves. The Thing is my favorite comic book character, beating out this blog’s perennial favorite superhero subject, Superman. But despite having seen superhero films about groups I barely pay any attention to (Guardians of the Galaxy) I will not see this film.

Why?

Because the Thing has no pants.

This is no joke on the expression “the Emperor has no clothes,” Ben Grimm is literally pantsless and naked in the movie.

FF Thing 2

I am not going to go into some geek explanation of how he’s not really made of rocks, his skin is tough and thick and rocklike so he has every biological attachment he should. I’m not going to even ask how he goes to the bathroom. No, my one and only problem is how stupid it looks.

FF Thing

If the filmmakers are going to make such a basic, dumb decision, and have their main character walk around like that, apparently neutered, then who knows what other stupid decisions they made.

Even in Watchmen, when Dr. Manhattan walked around naked, he was biologically correct.

This is a family blog!

This is a family blog!

So make any jokes you like about how Ben Grimm has been shortchanged, or how there’s no Giant-Sized Man-Thing here. I am not going to spend money to see what other stupid decisions they made.

Sheesh. All they had to do was give him a pair of shorts.

It's enough to make Jack Kirby cry.

It’s enough to make Jack Kirby cry.

.

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21 Responses to “Here’s Why I Won’t See The New Fantastic Four Movie”

  1. Matt Cowan July 28, 2015 at 12:55 am #

    Also not going to the theaters to see this one. The buzz is that they’ve royally screwed up Doctor Doom who’s my favorite super villain ever.

    Liked by 1 person

    • bmj2k July 28, 2015 at 1:09 am #

      I heard that too, and Doom is easily my fave bad guy too.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. zathra July 28, 2015 at 3:33 am #

    The 1st 2 movies were ” meh “. There was 1 made back in the 70’s that was ” blecch “.

    If they want to a GOOD comic – based movie, they should make one based on DC’s ” The Doom Patrol ” – The Chief, Rita Farr, Larry Trainor, Cliff Steel, with occasional appearances by Garfield Logan & Steve Dayton.
    I wish I still had the Silver Age comics. They had some majorly WEIRD enemies.

    Like

    • bmj2k July 28, 2015 at 4:24 am #

      DC tried to reboot the Doom Patrol a few times but never got it to work.

      Liked by 1 person

      • zathra July 28, 2015 at 5:07 am #

        There were SO MANY versions of it, although Cliff Steel seems to have been in all of them. Assembling a coherent script from the different versions ( Including the Rachel Pollack one ) may be a difficult task. I was used to the Silver Age version. ” Doom Patrol ” seemed more like a MARVEL superhero team.

        Like

  3. Mac of BIOnighT July 28, 2015 at 8:59 pm #

    Oh my, the Thing looks real bad… and please tell me those are not the costumes they wear throughout the film… Even though this is more a sort of “what if” than a real FF movie, I don’t think I can take it ๐Ÿ˜ฆ I love FF, too… but I’m afraid the only good version so far will remain the OTR show from the 70’s ๐Ÿ˜ฆ I’ll give it a chance anyway, you never know, but my hopes at this point are down to zero…

    Liked by 1 person

    • bmj2k July 28, 2015 at 9:30 pm #

      I also like the Filmation cartoon from the 60’s. And yep, those are the actual costumes, though I think they have other, similar versions with a logo on them.

      Like

      • Mac of BIOnighT July 28, 2015 at 9:47 pm #

        Yeah, the cartoons are not bad, I just wish everybody didn’t yell their lines at the top of their lungs all the time :-/ Definitely not as good as the early comic books, though. But I’ve got the whole series just the same ๐Ÿ™‚ The funniest thing is how Susan always gets to do the most dangerous things just because she’s invisible… “Sue, you will sneak through those 200 fully armed guards, attack the villain on your own, take that deadly weapon right from his hands and run back here while everybody is shooting all around hoping to hit you, while I stand here behind this wall and – er – check this control panel…” ๐Ÿ˜€ The character design is by Alex Toth, the greatest American character designer ever…

        Liked by 1 person

        • bmj2k July 28, 2015 at 10:00 pm #

          Toth seemed to use simplicity to emphasize his character’s uniqueness. As for Sue, maybe that was a shot at feminism?

          Like

          • bmj2k July 28, 2015 at 10:01 pm #

            Like

            • Mac of BIOnighT July 28, 2015 at 10:47 pm #

              Yes, Toth was a genius ๐Ÿ™‚ Feminism? Maybe, but it sure looked more like “Let’s let her handle this while we hide” ;-P

              Like

              • bmj2kbmj2k July 29, 2015 at 12:00 am #

                At lease she wasn’t always in the kitchen baking pies.

                Like

                • Mac of BIOnighT July 29, 2015 at 9:08 am #

                  Invisible pies…

                  Like

                  • zathra July 29, 2015 at 11:38 am #

                    I just can’t see her in this….. ๐Ÿ™‚ D’oh !

                    Like

        • zathra July 29, 2015 at 11:46 am #

          They also showed Sue doing fashion modeling while invisible. An invisible MODEL ? Really ? Yes, I can remember back that far.
          & Dr. Doom’s origin story seems more ” realistic ” than becoming mutated by the same radiation that changed the others. Reed : ” I’ll just correct some of his equations “. Busybody !

          Like

          • Mac of BIOnighT July 29, 2015 at 6:22 pm #

            Invisible modeling? That sounds like “the Emperor’s new clothes” in reverse ;-P

            Like

            • bmj2k July 29, 2015 at 6:44 pm #

              Her invisible nude Playboy centerfold was scandalous!

              Like

              • zathra July 29, 2015 at 7:15 pm #

                In the 1st FF movie, she had to strip completely then turn invisible to get through the crowd to Ben. I wish someone with a can of spray paint had been there !

                Like

              • Mac of BIOnighT July 29, 2015 at 7:34 pm #

                ;-P
                Italian joke:
                Superman is flying high in the sky and thinking to himself, “Man, I really do need to have sex, I’m going nuts with desire…” At one point he’s flying over a beach and sees Wonder Woman lying on the sand on her back, completely naked and with her legs wide apart. He stops and thinks, “Well, with my superspeed I’ll be finished and gone before she even realizes I was there…” and down he goes, lands on her, has a superfast intercourse and flies away.
                Wonder woman: “Hey, what was that?” and the Invisible Man on top of her replies: “I don’t know what it was, but my asshole burns like hell…”

                ;-P

                Liked by 1 person

                • zathra July 29, 2015 at 7:59 pm #

                  ๐Ÿ™‚ ๐Ÿ™‚ ๐Ÿ™‚ ๐Ÿ™‚

                  Like

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  1. Trank-ilized: What Happened with Fantastic Four? | - August 7, 2015

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