Archive | January, 2014

HOW TO MAKE ANYONE FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU!!!!!! Not a pill! Not a drug!

27 Jan

January 27, 2014

A couple of second graders in Boston had some free time on their hands and they wrote a list of steps to falling in love. Although they had 24 slots, they ended the list at 13. Either they ran out of time or 13 is all you need, I don’t know. Maybe the missing 11 steps are for the divorce.

love list

Also missing are steps 7 and 9, but I think that just adds to the mystery and mystique of love! The kids’ steps are in black, my commentary is in red.

1. First you stare at the person. DO NOT do this on the subway. This will get you arrested and/or sprayed with mace.

2. You get close to each other. But not too close! See step one above.

3. You ask for a date. Ok.

4. You go in bed and do sex. Number four, like the others on the list, is singular, so I guess that after step three, asking for a date, you were turned down, so you go to bed and masturbate.

5. When you kiss you suck and lick. These are some advanced second-graders!

6. Get nacked [sic] in bed and do more sex. Wow, you must be an animal!

7.

8. Go dance and put your noses together. Um, what?

9.

10. You go in bed forever Then kiss forever. “Forever? Forever ever?”

(I was hoping I could find this clip!)

11. Take a shower together and kiss. Um, I thought we were already kissing forever?

12. Give each other rings. Sounds like every judge show ever.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r_QZGddJ5S4

13. Go to the pool together. Ah, yes, the most important step in any relationship, go to the pool together. What the what now?

It works every time!

It works every time!

So there you go, follow those 24 um, 13, um 11 steps and you too will find true love and happiness!

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Should Pigs Be More Or Less Literate?

26 Jan

January 26, 2014

Remember Wilbur from Charlotte’s Web? Seemed like a pretty smart guy. If I were a farmer I wouldn’t mind having him in my barn. After a long day plowing, I’d go into the barn, crack open a beer, spend some time just shooting the breeze with the pig, and one nice winter morning, bacon and eggs.

And those pigs from Animal Farm. Napoleon may be the villain of the book, and more of a pig of action, but he sure does get things done. I may not want him on my farm but I have to admit, some of his right hand pigs like Squealer sure can talk up a storm.

Miss Piggy may not yet have talked Kermit into matrimony (yet, give her time) but she sure does deliver the ham.

Which brings me to Maxwell the GEICO pig.

MaxwellPig

He seems like a nice guy, and he sure goes places. He flies around the country, he goes to football games and he zip lines, he has dates with attractive women, and he even somehow manages to drive a car, though how his hooves reach the pedals remains a mystery. He also uses the latest technology, which brings us to his latest GEICO ad and Maxwell’s trip to the DMV.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=slk7yCySQ3s

You know, I used to like Maxwell. He was friendly and smart (for a pig) but this commercial just makes me feel bad.

“Gots all my pertinents on it and such.”

WHAT? When did Maxwell start talking like a gibbon? (Gibbons are the idiots of the talking animal world.)

More to the point, why did GEICO write that line? What are they going for? Is it a commentary on the people at the DMV? Some particular demographic I am not quite seeing?

Honestly, I am not all that concerned with the presentation of pigs in media (though I am VERY concerned with cats. Check out my thoughts on LOLcats here.) I am more concerned with what GEICO is thinking about their target audience. Do we not speak proper English? Do we all speak in some sort of combination of slang and illiteracy? Hey, I don’t think every commercial character needs to speak the King’s English or use perfect grammar, but this just stood out like a sore thumb.

Of course, there is also the possibility that this is just a silly little commercial, and kind of funny too.

Miss%20Piggy%20and%20Kermit%20-749295

Other famous pigs:
Porky
Arnold
Kim Kardashian

 

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