Tag Archives: the treasure chest of terrible toys

The Treasure Chest of Terrible Toys: Homosexual Sci-Fi Toys

17 Nov

November 17, 2012

At the end of the post, at the end of the day, long after you’ve gone to sleep, one thought will be stuck in your head: “These toys are actually available on amazon.com.”

But that’s where I found them. These things can’t be legit, and I am sure that “fair use” does not extend to toys that are essentially repainted or shirtless major science fiction characters.

Well, I guess I teased them long enough. Let’s start with the pink Star Wars stormtroopers.

Yeah, Gay Empire figures from Suckadelic. I could not make that up if I wanted to.

OK, I could, but I wouldn’t.

Well…..

Like I said, I found it on Amazon. Only $39.95. And hurry! Only 2 left in stock! Only $39.95? You can buy a regular stormtrooper for about $10 and a can of spray paint and save yourself about $15. On the other hand, this is a collectible that is sure to go way up in value so keep that thing mint on card.

“Suckadelic.” Did Beavis and Butthead name that company? Sheesh, on to the next round.

Thank goodness they got a better printer, that card almost looks professional, and that is more than I can say for the toys. “Kirk” and “Spock” appear to be the exact same jointless body with only the heads changed.

And no phaser or tricorder accessories? What’s up with that?

$200 for this? That’s $100 each, or maybe even $125 for Spock and $75 for Kirk. I’m discounting Shatner for his direction of Star Trek V, although with that script I wonder if Orson Welles could have made a good film.

SDCC means, by the way, San Diego Comic Con. This was some sort of Comic con exclusive. Wow, comic cons have changed a lot since I used to go.

How are these available on Amazon? How has no one gotten sued? There’s only 1 left, how have none of my readers scooped this up?

So if I were to take a Darth Vader figure and wrap a feather boa around his neck, or take a Klingon figure and put him in assless chaps, could I start a company and sell them for $100 each? And what would I call my company? I’m not sure I could beat Suckadelic. I might go more subtle and call my gay toy company Blow Hard.

Kirk and Spock were long the objects of homosexual stories, but stormtroopers? What’s gay about them? (Don’t answer that.)

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The Treasure Chest of Terrible Toys: Fully Jointed Action Kojak

10 Nov

November 10, 2012

This week The Editor’s and Staff present a new rotating Saturday feature, The Treasure Chest of Terrible Toys. This does not mean that Saturday Comics is gone, it just needs a breather. Don’t worry, it will be back.

“Who loves ya, baby?” No, that’s not Mr. Blog hitting on someone at closing time, that’s the famous catch phrase of 1970’s New York’s #1 cop, Kojak:

For some reason they replaced that iconic opening with… this… generic… thing…

If you stop that last clip at the 25 second mark you see Kojak making the scene at my part of town, the Coney Island boardwalk.

Kojak was an insanely popular show. It was a tough and gritty cop show and I do mean gritty- his police station looked absolutely filthy and his assistant, Stavros, was an utter slob. Hard to believe, but this guy was Telly Savalas’ brother.

I have many early memories of myself, as a young Mr. Blog, going to sleep while the Kojak theme played from the living room tv at the other end of the apartment.

But not only was Kojak a number one cop drama, it was also a Saturday morning hit with the kids, #1 in the ages 8 to 18 demographic.

Wait? It wasn’t? Are you sure?  Then how do you explain this?

Removable costume? Would you ever want to take off that pinstripe gangster suit monstrosity? Not me.

This toy comes with a gun, lollipops, and a cigar. In 2012 none of those would make the cut. When is the last time you saw a child’s toy that promoted smoking? And while we are at it, when was the last time you saw a toy from an adult cop show directed at kids? Did Hill Street Blues have a toy line? Law and Order SVU? And did Toy “R” Us carry a line of Homicide: Life on the Street playsets?

And speaking of playsets, Kojak had one too, though I could only track down the ads, not the actual toy.

Not only do I want that set, I really want that other figure, which may be a crook, a narc, or judging from his pose in the first picture, some guy demanding Kojak’s lunch money.

The holiday season is coming up and I want that set. Really, is $8.88 too much to spend on your old pal Mr. Blog?

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