Tag Archives: Planet of the Apes

TV Then vs. TV Now

31 Jan

January 31, 2011

I don’t care what anyone says- TV used to be better. To prove it, all I have to do is say is say two little words- Jersey Shore. There ‘Nuff said. Want more proof? Real Housewives.

Oh, I know what you’re thinking- “But Mr. Blog! TV had crap like My Mother the Car, Manimal, and Supertrain! Not to mention Roseanne Barr.”

That’s all true, but none of them had the ratings of a crapfest like America’s Top Model, despite there being many, many less channels to choose from. Back them you had the stations between 2 and 13 plus some hazy UHF channels. Now your cable box goes into the thousands.

I have no excuse for Roseanne Barr.

I do, however, have proof that television used to be better.
Facts in the form of old TV Guide ads.

Aside from one of the milestones of classic TV- Who Shot J.R.?, this ad features one of the classic over the top shows, The Dukes of Hazzard. Why did I pick this particular ad? Because the Duke boys are using bows and arrows! In a show already totally silly, the Duke boys were not only expert drivers but also expert marksmen- with dynamite tied to their arrows! Does TV get any better than exploding arrows?

But not everyone liked the drama of Dallas or the shenanigans of the Dukes. for them there was family fare.

By “the whole bunch” they meant “everyone but Jan,” who was recast, and “no Alice either.”

And who better to kick off their show but such cheesy TV stalwarts Donnie and Marie? Everyone’s favorite fussy non-homosexual (though everyone thought he was) Tony Randall was along for the fun! Does it get any better?

It just got better.

So far we’ve had variety, action, drama, and jiggly women in tight t-shirts. What about the kids? Think of the children!

OK, I will.

Look at that lineup! Spider-Man! The Fantastic Four! The Beatles! King Kong! Casper! Bullwinkle!
And, uh, something called Milton the Monster.

Kids shows weren’t limited to Saturday mornings either. Remember these specials?

I ask you, where can you find Pac-Man on TV today?

Lest you forget, here is the most infamous TV special of all:

What a cast! All of your Star Wars favorites: Harrison ford, Mark Hamill, Carrie Fisher, James Earl Jones, the guy who played Chewbacca, Bea Arthur, Harvey Korman, Art Carney, and Jefferson Starship. Because no one screams “Star Wars” like Bea Arthur and Jefferson Starship.

What else did TV air at night? TV movies!

Sally Struthers in Hey, I’m Alive! The jokes just write themselves, and it is a good thing because I can’t come up with one myself. But seriously, think about her career and make up your own.

And of course, the previously bloggged Wonder Woman!

There was Killdozer (great title!)

And there was Star Trek II:The Wrath of Khan. This is an example of a simply great ad in a style that you never see nowadays.

And speaking of great ads, check this one out.

Now that is one great ad. Tales of the Gold Monkey was an action/adventure show in the Indiana Jones mold. Seriously, look at that ad. Who wouldn’t watch that show? Turns out a lot of people wouldn’t watch that show. It was cancelled after one season. In the pilot, they went after the fabled Gold Monkey idol and it turned out to be made of lead, which I guess is a parallel to the show’s ratings. However, I was a fan and trust me, it was a good show.

And speaking of shows that feature monkeys:

And speaking of shows that feature other apes:

I may be one of the few people who remember this show. Spun off from Hill Street Blues, it featured Buntz and one of his snitches moving to Beverley Hills, which also happens to be Standard Sitcom Plot number 14 (Fish out of water: low-class guy in ritzy neighborhood.) And notice the sneaky way they stuck in an ad for Cheers.

I have to admit that I never heard of this show, but I was hooked by the description- “St. Louis struck out in the World Series.. now it’s struck by KING TUT’S CURSE!” That is the exact kind of silly plot that my friend Marc and I came up with all the time when we were teenagers. That could be OUR lousy cancelled TV show!

On the other hand, here we have the opposite- a good TV show with a lousy ad.

Were there no photos available? Who came up with this? Gary Coleman looks like he is lost in some sort of romantic reverie. And read that description- “… all of his friends and some of his enemies…” What enemies? All I remember was the Gootch, played by Andrew Dice Clay, looking about ten years too old to be a teenager.

Lastly, TV used to be the home of cheesy movies and horror hosts. Anyone who grew up in New York remembers this Thanksgiving tradition:

Who didn’t stay up late at night to watch some of these?

The Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy is a poorly dubbed Mexican film from the 50’s and it is pretty much what you’d expect from the title, just a lot less fun. It shows up on cable from time to time and you really should check it out.

On the face of it this seems like a funny mistake- Movies of the ’50’s featuring Frankenstein 1970. but once you realize that Frankenstein 1970 was made in 1958 it makes sense.

Who would not have stayed home to watch that? Before you say “not me” remember, this was before TiVo and DVRs, before cable, before even VCRs were common. You bet your ass you’d stay home.

So there you have it. Indisputable proof that the television of yesterday was better than the television of today. Want more proof? Turn on BRAVO.

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

American Chopper: Sr. vs. Jr.: Two Weddings and No Fun At All

19 Jan

January 19, 2011

I normally begin with a discussion of the bikes but since the show virtually ignored them this week I will too, except to say that OCC had more trouble than you might expect with some standard front end parts. In fact, the only interesting thing about the bike build was at the end, when they unveiled it at an OCC road show. What do they do at an OCC road show? They build a bike on stage. I fail to see the appeal, unless they decide to accurately recreate the bike building experience- Senior yelling at random audience members, the OCC crew throwing things into the crowd, and lots of intermissions.

Spring is in the air, though this aired in winter, and it is wedding time. Last time it was Paulie, this time it is shaved orangutan Jason Pohl. Who would marry him? I am not sure since the guilty party has not appeared on camera, but I have my suspicions.

Anyone remember Escape From the Planet of the Apes? Remember the outraged Bishop when Zira referred to Cornelius as her husband?

Senior, for some reason, feels like Jason is a son to him and frankly, they deserve each other. How much does Senior love Jason- bought a new suit for wedding, WITH SLEEVES! It was his first new suit in forty years. He even got married in a sleeveless tux, so this is something special.

Speaking of “special,” no one on the show is more “special” than Mikey. When he heard that Sr. was going to Jason’s wedding (which, BTW, Paulie did not) he took it as a personal affront that Sr. would go to Jason’s and not Paulie’s- nor his, for that matter. Yes, I must have missed this, but at some point Mikey was about to be married and then it all fell apart. I don’t know who was at fault, but I figure that his bride must have sobered up and realized she was about to marry Mikey Teutul and go the hell out of Dodge.

But that wasn’t all from Mikey this week. Following his moving out of his art studio he moved back in with mommy and daddy- I mean Paulie and Vinnie. Not only did he set up a little art space in the shop, but he also planned to run sprints up and down the shop.
The busy shop.
The busy shop filled with expensive equipment.
The busy shop filled with expensive equipment which he broke.
Couldn’t you see that coming?

Paulie this week got a new customer, Faro Technologies, who was one of Sr.’s vendors. I don’t get why they went to Paulie (Senior suspects they poached him, and I think maybe he’s right.) because, let’s be frank, Paulie has nothing to offer, but they did and sent him a prototype mechanical arm. What does it do? I don’t know but it looked pretty cool until Mikey broke it. Paulie’s reaction? He screamed at Mikey, called him an idiot, and told him to get away from everything and never touch anything again.

At this point it may be helpful to remind you that I am talking about Paul JUNIOR, not Senior. Hmm, I wonder where all that anger came from? And judging by some of the other things Paulie had to say about Mikey, I wonder if Senior isn’t right about Paulie just using him against his Senior.

And by the way, Paulie, great mechanic that he is, told Mikey (of all people, Mikey!) to “glue it back together.” This is an expensive prototype on loan to them. I hope that Crazy Glue works!

Regardless, things were moving right along at PJD. Vinnie and Odie-Who-Is-Not-Cody started on the Faro bike and got as far as two minutes in when they realized that Paulie had not drawn up any plans. Paulie explained that he had them in his head, which is the worst place to keep them for a variety of reasons. Brendan, who seems to be the only guy who can fabricate in the entire country, flew all the way in from California to work on the bike. How hard up is he for work? How bad is the fabrication market in California that he would leave his pregnant wife at home while he flew to New York to make a fuel tank? Is there no one east of the Mississippi who can hammer some sheet metal?

Odie-Who-Is-Not-Cody had an idea about the bike’s design, to which Vinnie replied “nothing you say will be used.” GOOD FOR YOU VINNIE! He said he was only kidding, but you know what Shakespeare said: “Jesters do oft prove prophets.” That was in King Lear, another guy who didn’t quite get along with his kids. Let’s see how this tragedy ends.

In the end, there is no winner here. Unless you count Iron Horse magazine, which interviewed both Senior and Junior and got a lot of free plugs on the show this week.

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

← Older Entries
Newer Entries →