Tag Archives: Late Night

John Newly Is Shilling Some Stuff (Lying Awake #8)

10 Apr

April 10, 2015

ANNOUNCER: Lying Awake with John Newly will be back after these words from our sponsor

Hi, this is John Newly and I’m talking with my guest Kai Folger in what may or may not be a commercial since this spot is designed to mimic the sound and format of my talk show. Hmm, I may be violating some FCC rules here.  Kai, great to have you on.

-Hi John, always good to be here.

Now Kai, Carnischleppa has been called the miracle drug of the century. What is it?

– Carnischleppa is simply the world’s greatest plant extract. It’s a miracle cure for almost everything.

Kai, I have a list in front of me of literally tens of thousands of diseases your miracle Carnischleppa pills cure. I’m not allowed to read this on the air in America, but wow, the list is extensive. Is Carnischleppa really as good as you say it is?

– It is John.

Wow!

-There was a time when only the five richest kings of Europe could afford it. In fact, it was so scarce in America that the President had it personally airlifted to the White House by a crack team of commandos so he could try it.

That’s amazing!

– John, we guarantee that when you take Carnischleppa, you’ll get results. Now, I can’t guarantee what those results will be, but you will have results. Guaranteed!

Kai, before I end this hard hitting interview, tell my listeners how to get a free sample of Carnischleppa, the amazing miracle cure that I’ve extensively researched by reading the bogus claims on your website.

-Sure John. You can get your totally free sample of Carnischleppa by sending only $75 to cover postage and handling to Carnischleppa, Los Burritos California, OU812.

That’s a fantastic offer, but my listeners are very hard to convince. I understand you have a special offer tonight just for Lying Awake listeners.

-I do John. For tonight only, your listeners can get a second bottle of Carnischleppa miracle cure pills for only an additional $15, plus another $75 postage and handling.

You heard it here folks! Get your free bottle of Carnischleppa today. Thanks again to my guest, Kai Folger. Kai, I can’t wait to have you on again.

– Thank you John.

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John Newly Is Slightly Confused (Lying Awake With John Newly 6)

5 Mar

March 5, 20115

Lying Awake With John Newly theme song, Ghostbusters by Ray Parker Junior, ends.

John Newly: Who are you going to call? Why you’re going to call me! Hi, I’m John Newly, your overnight airwaves-buster, and this is Lying Awake with John Newly. Later tonight we’ll be talking with Peter von Strauss about his new book, called President Obama is Just What You Think. I’ve read some of part of one of the chapters of that book and let me tell you, it gave me something to think about. Also tonight we’ll have our regular Wednesday guest, Laura Millings, and she’ll share her investigation into the strange odor reported coming from a pants factory in Detroit. We’re going to start off with some phone calls after these words from our sponsors.

Commercial for WKAT’s Lawrence Welk tribute gala and charity hat-doff.

Commercial for John Newly’s new DVD, Worker in the Blight: How I Caught a Spiritual Flu.

We’re back and tonight I’ve opened up a special “unhealthy dog” phone line. Call in to talk about your unhealthy dog.  Just remember, I’m not a veterinarian, so if I try to prescribe your dog some medicine, you should probably not listen to me. First caller, Ellen from Billings Montana, you’re on the air.

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Caller: Hi John I heard your-

– Billings Montana. Is it cold there?

– show last night. Well, it snowed last night, so yeah, I’d say it’s cold. (Laughs). The reason I’m-

– I bet you get snow all the time in Montana! You should be used to it by now!

– Right, well, I just moved here. Anyway, on your show last-

– I move around a lot too. I used to be in the military. Are you in the military?

– No, I, no…

– Well thanks for the call. Wow, more snow. I think we’ve all had enough of that. Maybe it’s time to do another of our positive thought experiments. OK, everyone concentrate on no more snow. If it is snowing where you are you really have to concentrate hard. No snow. No snow. I’m looking out my studio window and right now it isn’t snowing. (Inaudible, off mic) My producer Fast Eddie just pointed out that it hasn’t snowed here in days. Well, maybe that’s because of my positive thoughts! (Laughs), there’s always a skeptic in every bunch.

We’ll take some more phone calls in just a minute, but first, ask yourself, do you run out of energy when you’re in the middle of a psychic reading? Do your crystals seem to be cloudier than they used to be? Friends, I’ve got just the solution. Call 1-800-555-WUZZIT for a guaranteed psychic solution. Now I can’t legally tell you what it is over the air, but if you go their website, wuzzitnotascam.com, you’ll see everything you can get for only $29.99. I sent them my money and I still haven’t gotten my box, but I was so amazed that I ordered two more anyway. Call now!

 

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