Mr. Blog's Tepid Ride

January 17, 2011

The new cast of Celebrity Apprentice was announced and while we are spared any idiots from Jersey Shore (Did you know that Snooki is an author? And I’m a concert pianist!) we do get a Real Housewife to class up the joint. As usual, the level of “celebrity” fluctuates greatly, but at least this time around most of the contestants have been working lately, which brings me to

DIONNE WARWICK

In its article, the Daily News charitably called her a singer. I know she can sing, and I know she once made a living that way, but has she performed lately? Has she put out a new single in the last decade? How long until you stop being a singer and start being a former singer? I know it is different for astronauts. Buzz Aldrin, even at age 200, is still considered an astronaut despite not having lifted off in decades. (Oh, his poor wife! That’s a joke- cue the rim shot!) I think the difference is that the job of an astronaut really only requires you to go up once or twice (Oh, his poor wife! Cue another rim shot!) while being a singer means you have to sing every once in a while. At any rate, she’s better known for being the public face (and what a decrepit face!) of the Psychic Friends Network. What does this tell me? It tells me that Dionne Warwick cannot lose The Apprentice! Would you enter a contest that you have psychically foreseen yourself losing? No way! She had to have had a vision of her winning it all! On the other hand, she’s also related to Whitley Houston, and if we could all see what was coming after Whitney married Bobby Brown why couldn’t she?

DAVID CASSIDY

Also a singer, and I bet he performs more shows than Dionne Warwick each year despite, like Dionne as well, having peaked in the 1970’s. Personally, I believe they picked the wrong Partridge. Wouldn’t scheming Danny Partridge be a better competitor? Just team him up with Reuben Kincaid and watch him weasel his way to the top. (Of course, Danny Bonaduce has more or less rendered himself unemployable over the last few years, but watching him self-destruct could be fun too.)

MEAT LOAF

Was this gag too obvious? I don't care.

Yet another singer! This one is best known for being named after a meal at your local diner, wearing strange frilly shirts, and sweating. Give him a break. If you were named Marvin you’d change your name to Meat Loaf too. No you wouldn’t? Neither would I. Anyway, The Man Called Loaf still records and performs despite coming across like a trained circus bear on stage. (And just as an aside, who can’t wait for a Warwick/Cassidy/Loaf collaboration?)

LATOYA JACKSON

Perhaps I should have warned you before springing this picture on you.

Well, she claims she’s a singer, though I’d dispute it. What’s to be said about the member of the Jackson family that even Michael thought was weird? In addition to having about as messed up a face as Warwick, she also has her own Psychic Network. What does this tell me? It tells me that LaToya Jackson cannot lose The Apprentice! Would youenter a contest that you have psychically foreseen yourself losing? No way! She had to have had a vision of her winning it all!

I’d also like to add this scary nugget, courtesy of Wikipedia, currently celebrating ten years of helping students write bad term papers:

On January 10, 2007, the reality TV show Armed & Famous premiered on CBS starring Jackson and other celebrities. The program documented Jackson‘s basic training and service as a reserve police officer with the Muncie Police Department. Jackson maintains her badge by continuing to volunteer as a deputy. The show was eventually removed from the CBS lineup, due to its inability to compete with American Idol. VH1 subsequently aired the remaining episodes. On the show, Jackson demonstrated her phobia of cats, after she began hysterically screaming and locked herself in a squad car. This fear, she revealed, was caused by a childhood memory in which a relative was attacked by a cat. She underwent on-screen therapy to try to relieve her of this phobia.

NIKI TAYLOR and HOPE DWORACZYK

Hope is on the left... or the right. Does it really matter?

They are not singers. They are hot models and frankly who cares if they sing or not?

NENE LEAKES

One of those “Real” Housewives, which means she must be totally annoying. I don’t know which state she’s from, don’t know anything about her, and didn’t even bother getting a picture of her. I assume she isn’t 4 feet tall and over 250 pounds and ugly because she is on TV and the one thing these reality show don’t show is reality.

RICHARD HATCH

Which Richard Hatch would you rather be stranded on an island with? HINT: He's wearing pants.

Trump really blew this pick. Instead of the guy who fought Cylons we got the fat guy who walked around naked and got in trouble with the IRS. See what it takes to be a celebrity? I guess they got him because the homeless guy with the deep voice is in rehab.

LIL JON

A picture is worth a thousand words. Or more in this case. I’m dying to see him interact with The Donald. Need I mention that he’s a rapper? That’s close enough to a singer to bring the musical total up to five so far.

MARLEE MATLIN

Selected Filmography:
Children of a Lesser God
Selected Television:
Reasonable Doubts
Seinfeld
Law and Order: SVU
Picket Fences
The Practice
The West Wing
Awards:
Best Actress Oscar
Best Performance Golden Globe
4 time Emmy nominee

I’m tempted to ask “what is she doing with this bunch?” but she was also on Dancing with the Stars so she must like this sort of thing.

MARK MCGRATH

Our sixth singer! (Marlee Matlin doesn’t sing.) You can’t say this guy isn’t smart. He parlayed his one and only hit (“Fly” by Sugar Ray- no, not the boxer) into a TV gig on the insipid Entertainment Tonight, or Extra, or whatever, they’re all the same. On the one hand it is the easiest job in the world- you smile and read stuff off of a teleprompter. On the other hand, you have to act like you really care about what the Kardashians are up to.

JOHN RICH

The New Face of Country, the Old Face of 80's Rock.

Yes, he is a singer- number seven (!) for those of you keeping score. He’s a Country singer but we’ll count him anyway. He is half of the band Big and Rich which was named after Donald Trump so he’s already sucking up.

LISA RINNA

Lisa Rinna is best known for once being relevant. I take that back. She is best known for here huge disgusting lips from botched plastic surgery. Seriously, she’s hideous. She recently had a show on TVLand where she underwent surgery to fix them. Let’s hope this was taped after, not before.

JOSE CANSECO

Another one who knows something about shooting stuff into his body is Jose Canseco. ‘Nuff said.

STAR JONES

She has a law degree and serves as a legal commentator, but everyone knows her for being fat. Morbidly obese. That was years ago and she’s lost the weight and donated her supply of Hostess Fruit Pies and lard to developing third world nations.

GARY BUSEY

Once an actor, Gary Busey now makes a living panhandling. HA ha ha, I’m just kidding. But you were halfway believing me, weren’t you? This is from Wikipedia:

At Pinsky’s recommendation, Busey was seen at the facility by psychiatrist Dr. Charles Sophy. Sophy suspected that Busey’s brain injury has had a greater effect on him than realized. He described it as essentially weakening his mental “filters” and causing him to speak and act impulsively.

Remember The Golden Girls? He’s Sophia! The same thing happened to her: Sophia had suffered a massive stroke, which, on more than one occasion, was said to have destroyed the part of her brain that acted as a censor. Who says life doesn’t imitate art?

BTW- He did his own singing as The Big Bopper in The Buddy Holly story, so I’m counting him as Singer Number Eight, though I’m sure the closest he comes nowadays to holding a tune is watching TV.

So what can we expect on the new, musical season of The Celebrity Apprentice? I expect viewers to be disgusted by LaToya Jackson’s horribly deformed face. Sheesh-it looks like her skull has lost most of its skin.

The real stars of The Celebrity Apprentice

UPDATE

I just saw a commercial for the show that featured that NeNe person, and man, she is going to be loudmouthed and annoyinig.

Tags: 2011, baseball, Battlestar Galactica, Big and Rich, bmj2k, Celebrity Apprentice, Cylons, David Cassidy, Dionne Warwick, Donald Trump, Donald Trump Jr., Dworaczyk, Entertainment Tonight, Extra, Gary Busey, Golden Girls, Hope, Ivanks Trump, JOn Rich, Jose Canseco, LaToya Jackson, Lil Jon, liposuction, lips, Lisa Rinna, Mark McGrath, Marlee Matlin, Meat Loaf, Mr. Blog, Mr. Blog's Tepid Ride, Mr. BTR, NeNe Leakes, Niki Taylor, plastic surgery, Real Housewives, Richard Hatch, Star JOnes, steroids, Sugar Ray, Survivor, The Apprentice, The Donald, Whitney Huston