Tag Archives: food

Monday Night Was Magical 2- Ruby Tuesday

23 Dec

December 23, 2009

So after we left the comic store we still had an hour and half before the game so we decided to go get something to eat. Diagonally across the street was Ruby Tuesday. (BTW- although I think the Rolling Stones are very overrated, that’s a good song. You don’t think the Stones are overrated? Feel free to visit the Mr. Blog Home Office in Damascus to file a complaint.) Anyway, as far as I knew, Ruby Tuesday was another Bennigan’s/Applebee’s/TGI Fridays/Doctor Throat-Tickler’s Foodery or some sort of generic place with WACKY STREETSIGNS WHOOO-HOOOO on the wall and out of state college football on the TV’s.

“They had a lot of complaints awhile ago. I think they redid them all,” my brother remarked.

Complaints? In the name of not doing too much original writing (that’s just work) I went online to www.complaintsboard.com and helpfully (and quickly too) copied and pasted some of the complaints into this blog.

When we went up to the salad bar all of the plates were dirty. We are not going to make a big deal we said. Then our food comes out. My sister’s boyfriend cuts open his chicken sandwich and it was pure pink. The restaurant didn’t compensate us at all for the terrible service and uncooked food. We will never eat at Ruby Tuesday’s again.

Did they compensate them for the hospital bill is what I want to know.

One major complaint and a bill for my lost time is in order. We ordered meal at 8:15 pm Sunday night. There were two adults and one child (3 yr old) in my party. Child’s meal delivered in 10 minutes. No silverware. Had to ask for silverware. Next we discovered that we needed a straw for child’s beverage, and ketchup. It took no less than 3 other servers (other than our waitress) before we finally had the child eating. Here’s the real issue the two adult meals never arrived. We went to complain and were informed by Manager (also cook (?)) at 8:55 PM that our meals were given to other customers. Told that meal would be put on now and we could wait another 20 minutes (ordered New Orleans Seafood and Burgers). We told manager/cook we couldn’t wait. Manager offered to comp meal, offered us cheesecake, offered us a gift certificate, even offered a complaint number. We agreed to accept a gift card – we had waited an hour for our dinner and were still hungry. Manager left to retrieve complaint telephone number and gift certificate. We wait a few more minutes -about 5 minutes- and our waitress shows up with our bill to pay. We walk out. Ruby Tuesday Inc. has lost my business.

Ruby Tuesday Inc? Is that how the NASDAQ lists them? Are these diners selling their stock?

My wife and I visited this store two weeks in a row and ordered a steak and was told they were out of this steak, we would have to order something else.

This is a STEAK PLACE. They RAN OUT OF STEAK in a STEAK PLACE? That’s like Burger King running out of processed meat-type byproduct.

I left out the entry about the worms. Don’t say Mr. Blog doesn’t love his readers.

However, to be fair, I found this on Wikipedia, the lazy blogger’s best friend:

In 2007, the Company began re-branding itself, moving out of the “bar-and-grill” segment of the industry, with changes including higher-quality menu items and handcrafted beverages.

As a part of re-branding, the company began remodeling its restaurants as a part of “a three-year plan to reposition, reinvent and reinvigorate the Ruby Tuesday brand”.Ruby Tuesday CEO and Chairman Sandy Beall explains the re-branding in his letter to shareholders, found in the company’s FY2007 Annual Report:

Elevating Ruby Tuesday above the crowd to a memorable, high-quality dining experience is critical to our growth and success. … We began by bringing our guests fresh, exciting new menu choices, then raised our standards of service, and are now creating an innovative new look and style for each and every restaurant. This revitalization will appeal to our loyal core guests while attracting a new generation of consumers.

HA ha ha, corporate bullshit. See how much space I took up without writing a thing? That’s blogging the lazy way.

OK, now that I was fair, a rare thing, let me now proceed to complain.

We walked into the place and went to the hostess counter. She asked us if we’d like to eat downstairs or upstairs. We looked around. Downstairs was dark brown. Very dark brown. Dark brown seats around black tables, dark brown walls with black accents. Dark brown menus. There were only eight tables and a bar, around which was a group of hipster types with spiked hair and interchangeable clothes.

“We’ll go upstairs.”
“Ohh, nice choice. There’s a salad bar upstairs.”
I wanted to punch her but I was curious about what else she didn’t tell us.
“You can take the stairs or the elevator,” she informed us.
I had enough of stairs at the comic store (see part 1). “We’ll take the elevator.”
“Ohh, nice choice.”
I wanted to punch her again.

Not wanting to dare ask, we turned to find the elevator ourselves. There were three doors nearby, all of which looked nothing at all like elevator doors. They were lined up and partly hidden by potted plants. I assumed that I was looking in the wrong place because there were no buttons on the wall. On my right was a glass wall looking to the street. Behind me was another wall looking out on the street (we were on a corner) and to my left was the hostess, still smiling at me as if her face was botoxed that way. Just before I could ask, one of the can’t-be-the-elevator doors opened with a clank and a groan and the middle door opened to reveal three people crammed into an elevator the size of a typical NYC janitor’s closet.

My brother said “I’m taking the stairs” and went up. I watched the three folks fight their way out and I got on. I never did see the outside buttons but the inside buttons were labeled, helpfully, “basement,” “floor,” and “roof.” I took a leap of faith and pressed “floor.” (“Ohh, nice choice,” I could hear in my head.)

Believe it or not, it was the right choice. And more unbelievably, I beat my brother upstairs as the staircase had more twists and turns than your average small intestine and every landing had people lounging on chairs and simply blocking the way.

We now walked up to the second floor hostess’s podium and she informed us that we’d be seated in a minute (*giggle*) because her server (*giggle*) was seating another customer (*giggle giggle*). Why was she giggling? I DON’T KNOW.

While I waited I looked around. Upstairs was as boring to look at as downstairs was. Dark brown, more dark brown, and black. Nothing on the walls. There was a full length window that should have looked out on a great mid-town vista but instead offered a full view of a dark office building.

The server wandered back and we were brought to our table, which I must admit looked very nice in a very dark brown kind of way. We were given our menus and told that our server (so this server was actually just a seater) is on his way.

I’d like now to point out that every single employee was dressed in total black, not a name tag, not a badge, not a single piece of flair breaking it up. I’m a New Yorker, though, so I’m used to that sort of thing. In fact, I’ve had friends who wore nothing but black and would curl up and fade into a wisp of smoke if they ever wore yellow.

We perused the menus for as long as long as three milliseconds until our server showed up.

TO BE CONTINUED.

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My Review of Ratatoo, Ratootoo, whatever.

13 Nov

from July 29, 2007

Disney’s Ratatouille is an animated film about disease carrying vermin that prepare some of the finest food in France. Which is about right.

What is ratatouille, the food? I don’t know. My grandmother used to love ratatouille. It looked like a mess with tomatoes and I wouldn’t touch it. She also loved heavenly hash ice cream and I don’t even know if they make it anymore. I was convinced that heavenly hash was the stuff they scraped out of the bottoms of the vats of other ice cream flavors. Maybe one day it had pecans. Another day it was mostly strawberry. It was just a scam to sell their leftover ice cream. Grandma also made us eat her meatballs. Whenever the family got together for a holiday dinner she would, no matter what else she made, make us meatballs. They were, I think, some sort of Swedish meatballs. They were small gray things in a thin gray sauce. I assume it was beef, but it didn’t look appetizing like, say, a Kobe steak. If gray has a taste, this was it. I don’t want to give the impression that grandma was a bad cook, but it was what it was. When he was very young my brother, in a fit of love, or politeness, or maybe out of a mental disorder brought on by gastric distress from gray meatballs, declared, right at the dinner table in full earshot of all his horrified relatives, that he loved the meatballs. You could have heard a pin drop. We hated them! Grandma beamed. And from that day forward we were forced to forever eat her meatballs. What usually happened was that Dave would eat most of the meatballs and everyone else would make some excuse like “I filled up on rice,” or “I had meatballs for lunch” or “I ate three when you were in the kitchen.” I’d force down one or two because as the years went by, although the meatballs didn’t get better, I built up a tolerance for them, like you would if you took a small amount of arsenic every day. The meatball recipe died with my grandmother, immediately making her death look like a suspicious homicide.

So Disney made a film out of what was to me a weird and obscure food, and a rat,  and put Patton Oswalt in the starring role. It is a dream match because Patton Oswalt is a weird and obscure actor who, coincidentally, looks like a rat, thus making him a perfect, PETA-friendly choice for this film. It was also a cost-saving move for Disney: they didn’t have to animate him. That’s him on the screen!

Disney has an affinity for rodents. Mickey Mouse has been long been a hero to laboratory test mice everywhere. Poor little furry fellers. Every day they scamper around their cages, just waiting for their casting agents to call, maybe they got the gig in Disneyland, but no. Those anti-animal scientists scoop them out and perform their evil and unethical experiments on them, like trying to cure cancer or find an AIDS vaccine, and all the while their casting agents can’t get them on the phone because all the animal rights activists are clogging the lines to yell about animal cruelty. Cruelty? They’re the ones keeping those little guys out of Hollywood!

Rats are not nearly as cute as mice, but Disney sort of glossed over all the bad stuff, like carrying the bubonic plague and wiping out half of Europe, in order to make this movie. (In all fairness, I should point out that Disney had nothing whatsoever to do with this film. It is a Pixar release. But I like to make fun of Disney and so I’ll keep on incorrectly calling it a Disney film. Trust me- this way I can do a joke about Walt Disney’s frozen head a little later on.)

Patton Oswalt plays a rat named Frenchie Bordot, or maybe Robespierre J. Rat, I think. I didn’t quite catch it, I was munching on popcorn and trying not to think of all the rats who were really running around the theater and might have been traipsing through the popcorn popper. Unlike every other single rat in existence, Frenchie Bordot didn’t like to eat trash. He didn’t run around in tenements. He was even fussier than that rat in Charlotte’s Web, voiced by Paul “Center Square” Lynde. Frenchie Bordot had fallen in love with a television chef hawking his own brand of steak knives on an infomercial and would only eat food smothered in fatty French sauces.

The chef died and appeared as a ghost only Frenchie could see. It was kind of like the Ghost and Mrs. Muir if the ghost was an obese guy with a cholesterol count of 1650 and Mrs. Muir was a member of the genus rattus.  Frenchie would scamper into the home of a very unclean woman and eat her food, watch the chef on her television, and, disgustingly, lick her face just for laughs. The woman eventually realized that it was a rat kissing her and not her lover from World War One finally come back and she took out a handy shotgun and killed Frenchie. Well, it was a close thing. After Frenchie had a near-death experience and didn’t go toward the light, the ghost of Chef Tony brought him back to fulfil his destiny- living in the sewers of Paris as a Phantom of the Opera impersonator.

For a while it was a great life. Frenchie Bordot wore a cape and played the piano below the Paris opera house. He laughed maniacally and scampered up the aisles in his mask, scaring the patrons until the management brought in a cat and Frenchie fled. Tired and hungry, the ghost of Chef Tony led Frenchie to the restaurant he used to own, now run by a tiny little Hitler-type.

Short Hitler was planning to stick Chef Tony’s face on everything and market the hell out him. (Clearly, this was a Disney metaphor.) Chef Tony fish sticks. Chef Tony curry balls. Chef Tony finger-lickin’ good not copyright infringed fried chicken. Even Chef Tony laxative was ready to run, so to speak. The little nasty guy was about to become filthy rich. Or maybe just filthier. He already looked a little greasy.

Well, out of the blue came cliché plot device number 79: Chef Tony’s illegitimate son who was the real heir to the Chef Tony fortune. It turned out that Chef Tony had gone to a culinary convention in Detroit some years ago. He got drunk one night with some Omaha Steak salesmen and woke up to find himself in bed with a German sous chef named Olga. Since France and Germany haven’t gotten along so well since WWII, Chef Tony, being a patriot, split, leaving only a ten-spot on the nightstand. He had no idea he had a son. All that he knew he got out of the one night stand was a strange rash, but a son he had indeed.

Of course, the son had no idea he was Chef Tony’s son. He thought Walter Cronkite was his father and, trying to impress Dad, blundered into the kitchen one night with the intention of getting a job and uncovering the unfair labor practices of hiring illegal Mexican immigrants in the kitchen. In fact, the only people who knew about his real paternity were: A- short greasy Hitler, B- the rat who could somehow read English despite being a French mouse, and C- the whole audience, who figured out the whole plot and saw the resolution coming a mile away about fifteen minutes back.

Chef Tony Jr. totally screwed up everything. He wrung out his mop in the soup. He mixed up carrots and sausages. He sneezed in the hollandaise sauce. Worst of all, he served red wine with fish. (Hey, this is France, they take that stuff seriously!) Frenchie Bordot watched all of this in disgust. Egged on by the ghost of his dead gay crush, Frenchie jumped on Junior’s head and tried to kill him by gnawing his brain out. Strangely, this didn’t work. Rather, it seemed that Frenchie had gnawed his way through a few synapses and made the son easily susceptible to hypnotic suggestion. Frenchie learned that if he tugged on the son’s hair just the right way, he could make him do whatever he wanted. In one hilarious scene, Frenchie Bordot made the son drop his pants and moon a group of British tourists.

Soon, Frenchie and Junior had become an unbeatable culinary team. Together, they served a new kind of soup flambé that turned the food world on its ear. Within minutes, word spread and every rich snob wanted reservations. Paris Hilton had reserved a table for two but was arrested just before she ordered hors devours.

While the little greasy Hitler guy worried that the son would discover “who’s your daddy?”, the restaurant had attracted the attention of the most influential food critic in France, played by Emperor Palpatine of Star Wars fame. Tall, bony, cloaked in pure evil (and a black cloak), the Emperor was determined to use his Dark Side journalism to ruin the restaurant and make Chef Tony his new Dark Lord of the French Cuisine Sith. This was perfect casting.

Sort of lost in the shuffle was the tough as nails lesbian assistant chef whom Tony Junior fell in love with. Despite the fact that she did little but belittle and hurt him, (or maybe because of that) Tony Junior was wowed by her. She responded by pulling some of the clever pranks that professional chefs often do in the kitchen, like throwing a meat clever at him, spiking his Beef Bolognese with ex-lax and, just for laughs, locking him overnight in the meat-locker with Walt Disney’s frozen head.

Well, the lines of dramatic tension were perfectly set. Would Frenchie Bordot become a famous chef, with Tony Junior as his puppet? Would little tiny greasy short Hitler steal the restaurant from Chef Tony Junior? Would Tony Junior find love with the lesbian? Would Frenchie Bordot find real love with the ghost of the dead Chef Tony? Would Emperor Palpatine turn Tony Junior to the Dark Side and open up that rotating Death Star Café he’s been planning? And what about Frenchie Bordot’s family, whom I haven’t mentioned yet but were a big part of the movie all along?

Shockingly, everything happened just as you might have expected it. Chef Tony Junior and Frenchie Bordot fell in love and ran away to Canada, where it is legal to marry a rodent. Olga, Chef Tony’s one night stand, returned and fell in love with the lesbian, being a little bit of a lesbian herself. Little tiny etc etc Hitler got the restaurant, but died in the kitchen when he ironically fell into an oven. Emperor Palpatine did not manage to convert Chef Tony Junior to the Dark Side, but he found a new apprentice when Chef Gordon Ramsey from FOX TV’s Hells’ Kitchen joined him. Together they opened the rotating Death Star Café, but it was closed shortly thereafter when rebellion health inspectors found evidence of Tatooine sand weevils in the salad.

So there you have it. Ratatouille exceeded my expectations, which were quite low to begin with. It really opened my eyes to the fascinating world of food all around me. For example, were the rats running around that Taco Bell they closed in the city really vermin, or were they also genius chefs? Is it possible that the board of health is wrong and I don’t have to wash my hands after going to the bathroom and before handling food? Could it be that Patton Oswalt is going to get an Oscar for his tender and touching portrayal? The answers are all no.

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