Tag Archives: Celebrity Apprentice

Celebrity Apprentice Cast 2011: Casting a Wide Net in the Shallow End of the Pool

17 Jan

January 17, 2011

The new cast of Celebrity Apprentice was announced and while we are spared any idiots from Jersey Shore (Did you know that Snooki is an author? And I’m a concert pianist!) we do get a Real Housewife to class up the joint. As usual, the level of “celebrity” fluctuates greatly, but at least this time around most of the contestants have been working lately, which brings me to

DIONNE WARWICK

In its article, the Daily News charitably called her a singer. I know she can sing, and I know she once made a living that way, but has she performed lately? Has she put out a new single in the last decade? How long until you stop being a singer and start being a former singer? I know it is different for astronauts. Buzz Aldrin, even at age 200, is still considered an astronaut despite not having lifted off in decades. (Oh, his poor wife! That’s a joke- cue the rim shot!) I think the difference is that the job of an astronaut really only requires you to go up once or twice (Oh, his poor wife! Cue another rim shot!) while being a singer means you have to sing every once in a while. At any rate, she’s better known for being the public face (and what a decrepit face!) of the Psychic Friends Network. What does this tell me? It tells me that Dionne Warwick cannot lose The Apprentice! Would you enter a contest that you have psychically foreseen yourself losing? No way! She had to have had a vision of her winning it all! On the other hand, she’s also related to Whitley Houston, and if we could all see what was coming after Whitney married Bobby Brown why couldn’t she?

DAVID CASSIDY

Also a singer, and I bet he performs more shows than Dionne Warwick each year despite, like Dionne as well, having peaked in the 1970’s. Personally, I believe they picked the wrong Partridge. Wouldn’t scheming Danny Partridge be a better competitor? Just team him up with Reuben Kincaid and watch him weasel his way to the top. (Of course, Danny Bonaduce has more or less rendered himself unemployable over the last few years, but watching him self-destruct could be fun too.)

MEAT LOAF

Was this gag too obvious? I don't care.

Yet another singer! This one is best known for being named after a meal at your local diner, wearing strange frilly shirts, and sweating. Give him a break. If you were named Marvin you’d change your name to Meat Loaf too. No you wouldn’t? Neither would I. Anyway, The Man Called Loaf still records and performs despite coming across like a trained circus bear on stage. (And just as an aside, who can’t wait for a Warwick/Cassidy/Loaf collaboration?)

LATOYA JACKSON

Perhaps I should have warned you before springing this picture on you.

Well, she claims she’s a singer, though I’d dispute it. What’s to be said about the member of the Jackson family that even Michael thought was weird? In addition to having about as messed up a face as Warwick, she also has her own Psychic Network. What does this tell me? It tells me that LaToya Jackson cannot lose The Apprentice! Would youenter a contest that you have psychically foreseen yourself losing? No way! She had to have had a vision of her winning it all!

I’d also like to add this scary nugget, courtesy of Wikipedia, currently celebrating ten years of helping students write bad term papers:

On January 10, 2007, the reality TV show Armed & Famous premiered on CBS starring Jackson and other celebrities. The program documented Jackson‘s basic training and service as a reserve police officer with the Muncie Police Department. Jackson maintains her badge by continuing to volunteer as a deputy. The show was eventually removed from the CBS lineup, due to its inability to compete with American Idol. VH1 subsequently aired the remaining episodes. On the show, Jackson demonstrated her phobia of cats, after she began hysterically screaming and locked herself in a squad car. This fear, she revealed, was caused by a childhood memory in which a relative was attacked by a cat. She underwent on-screen therapy to try to relieve her of this phobia.

NIKI TAYLOR and HOPE DWORACZYK

Hope is on the left... or the right. Does it really matter?

They are not singers. They are hot models and frankly who cares if they sing or not?

NENE LEAKES

One of those “Real” Housewives, which means she must be totally annoying. I don’t know which state she’s from, don’t know anything about her, and didn’t even bother getting a picture of her. I assume she isn’t 4 feet tall and over 250 pounds and ugly because she is on TV and the one thing these reality show don’t show is reality.

RICHARD HATCH

Which Richard Hatch would you rather be stranded on an island with? HINT: He's wearing pants.

Trump really blew this pick. Instead of the guy who fought Cylons we got the fat guy who walked around naked and got in trouble with the IRS. See what it takes to be a celebrity? I guess they got him because the homeless guy with the deep voice is in rehab.

LIL JON

A picture is worth a thousand words. Or more in this case. I’m dying to see him interact with The Donald. Need I mention that he’s a rapper? That’s close enough to a singer to bring the musical total up to five so far.

MARLEE MATLIN

Selected Filmography:
Children of a Lesser God
Selected Television:
Reasonable Doubts
Seinfeld
Law and Order: SVU
Picket Fences
The Practice
The West Wing
Awards:
Best Actress Oscar
Best Performance Golden Globe
4 time Emmy nominee

I’m tempted to ask “what is she doing with this bunch?” but she was also on Dancing with the Stars so she must like this sort of thing.

MARK MCGRATH

Our sixth singer! (Marlee Matlin doesn’t sing.) You can’t say this guy isn’t smart. He parlayed his one and only hit (“Fly” by Sugar Ray- no, not the boxer) into a TV gig on the insipid Entertainment Tonight, or Extra, or whatever, they’re all the same. On the one hand it is the easiest job in the world- you smile and read stuff off of a teleprompter. On the other hand, you have to act like you really care about what the Kardashians are up to.

JOHN RICH

The New Face of Country, the Old Face of 80's Rock.

Yes, he is a singer- number seven (!) for those of you keeping score. He’s a Country singer but we’ll count him anyway. He is half of the band Big and Rich which was named after Donald Trump so he’s already sucking up.

LISA RINNA

Lisa Rinna is best known for once being relevant. I take that back. She is best known for here huge disgusting lips from botched plastic surgery. Seriously, she’s hideous. She recently had a show on TVLand where she underwent surgery to fix them. Let’s hope this was taped after, not before.

JOSE CANSECO

Another one who knows something about shooting stuff into his body is Jose Canseco. ‘Nuff said.

STAR JONES

She has a law degree and serves as a legal commentator, but everyone knows her for being fat. Morbidly obese. That was years ago and she’s lost the weight and donated her supply of Hostess Fruit Pies and lard to developing third world nations.

GARY BUSEY

Once an actor, Gary Busey now makes a living panhandling. HA ha ha, I’m just kidding. But you were halfway believing me, weren’t you? This is from Wikipedia:

At Pinsky’s recommendation, Busey was seen at the facility by psychiatrist Dr. Charles Sophy. Sophy suspected that Busey’s brain injury has had a greater effect on him than realized. He described it as essentially weakening his mental “filters” and causing him to speak and act impulsively.

Remember The Golden Girls? He’s Sophia! The same thing happened to her: Sophia had suffered a massive stroke, which, on more than one occasion, was said to have destroyed the part of her brain that acted as a censor. Who says life doesn’t imitate art?

BTW- He did his own singing as The Big Bopper in The Buddy Holly story, so I’m counting him as Singer Number Eight, though I’m sure the closest he comes nowadays to holding a tune is watching TV.

So what can we expect on the new, musical season of The Celebrity Apprentice? I expect viewers to be disgusted by LaToya Jackson’s horribly deformed face. Sheesh-it looks like her skull has lost most of its skin.

The real stars of The Celebrity Apprentice

UPDATE

I just saw a commercial for the show that featured that NeNe person, and man, she is going to be loudmouthed and annoyinig.

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My Review of Semi-Celebrity Apprentice 2010

14 Mar

March 14, 2010

Remember when words meant something?

Back in World War II, a soldier who threw himself on a live grenade, sacrificing himself to save his platoon, was a hero.

Now a hero is the guy who got ABC back on Cablevision.

And stars? Stars were glamorous Hollywood actors and actresses with large bodies of great work behind them.

Today we call Rob “Deuce Bigalow” Schneider, a star.
And some things called “Snookie” and “J-Woww.” (I assume those are new Muppets I haven’t seen yet.)

And that brings us to the word Celebrity, as in:

Meet The New Stars of The Celebrity Apprentice 2010!

Ugh. What a motley crew. Donald Trump’s hair is a bigger celebrity than this collection of mostly has-beens, never-weres, and won’t-bes.

Leading off, Darryl Strawberry.
You know about the drugs, the booze, the tax evasion, the jail, the wife beating. Let’s look at what really counts:
Career Statistics
Batting average 259
Hits 1401
Home runs 335
335 home runs in a shortened career. Not bad, huh? Well, let me tell you, as a long-suffering Mets fan, HE STINKS! 335 homers? Every one a GARBAGE TIME home run. Try and find a game-winning blast. I HATE him. He’d hit monster shots over the bleachers, but only if the Mets were up or down by four or five runs. His best hit came when he decked Wally Backman during a team photo shoot.

Bill “Goldberg” Goldberg.
Goldberg is a recently retired professional wrestler. He is still relatively young and in shape, showing that he had the smarts to get out while he was healthy and before he became a paunchy joke like Hulk Hogan. None of this, though, indicates that he had any wrestling ability. He didn’t. He was simply a big ex-football player that a promoter met in a strip club and offered a job. The fans liked him and WCW decided to promote him as unbeatable and started keeping track of his record. One week he’d be 3 wins and 0 losses. He’d win a match and be 4-0. A few weeks and a few matches later, 10-0. But that wasn’t good enough for WCW. He’d be 23-0, and the following match they’d say he was 27-0. He’d win a match and be 32-0. Somehow during the course of a broadcast he went from 56-0 to 59-0 despite not having appeared in the ring. The announcers covered this by saying “he already beat up three guys backstage.” Eventually, despite being overwhelmingly supported by the fans, WCW decided they didn’t like him and totally squashed him, meaning he lost a big match in a bad way and was never pushed again.

My father and grandmother once went to lunch at Katz’s Deli in NY. As they were walking in, Goldberg got out of a giant limo and went in for lunch. Dad had no idea who he was by my 70 year old grandmother said “there goes Bill Goldberg!” That’s how popular he was.

Sinbad.
Early in his career he did comedy tours of prisons. Yes, he was so unfunny he had to tour prisons to find an audience.

Curtis Stone.
Giving new meaning to the term “who’s that?’ is Curtis Stone. He is an Australian chef. Memo to Donald Trump- he is not a celebrity. Australian celebrities don’t count.

Maria Kanellis.
Maria is a former WWE female wrestler. Actually, WWE bills them as “divas,” so you can guess which is more important- ability to get an opponent in a head lock or ability to wear skimpy outfits. Think WCW handled Goldberg badly? Here’s Maria and the WWE, about to get a big boost of publicity from Celebrity Apprentice, and what does Vince McMahon do? He fired her last week. Just makes me suspect that Maria doesn’t do very well.

Michael Johnson.
Summer Sanders.
Just in time to capitalize on the Winter Olympics is a pair of Olympians.
Summer Olympians.
Sheesh.

Further watering down the definition of “celebrity,” Rod Blagojevich.
Quoting from Wikipedia, the lazy man’s friend:

During the course of his political career, Blagojevich was involved in a number of controversies including at least a dozen separate federal investigations; the Tony Rezko indictment and trial; feuds with his father-in-law; contested state appointments; his residency, commute, and work hours; and allegedly withholding state funds from the Children’s Memorial Hospital in Chicago. In 2008, Blagojevich was investigated for and charged with crimes resulting from his role in the sale of the Chicago Cubs and Wrigley Field, as well as allegations he attempted to sell the Senate seat vacated by President Barack Obama.

Blagojevich was arrested on federal corruption charges on December 9, 2008. The charges involved conspiracy to commit mail and wire fraud and solicitation of bribery. The Justice Department complaint alleges that the governor conspired to commit several “pay to play” schemes, including attempting “to obtain personal gain … through the corrupt use” of his authority to fill Barack Obama’s vacated United States Senate seat. In a press briefing  on the investigation, U.S. Attorney Patrick Fitzgerald characterized the scheme as auctioning the seat off to “the highest bidder”. The federal trial date has been set for 3 June 2010.

America, meet your new Cleberity Apprentice! Now appearing in cellblock six.

Holly Robinson Peete.
Despite not working much lately in favor of being a mother, (she is a mother of four, one of whom is autistic) Holly Robinson Peete is a very talented and attractive actress. She was in the underrated 21 Jump Street and she managed to put up with Mark Curry in Hangin’ with Mr. Cooper for five seasons so she deserves as much slack as you can give her. She is very intelligent, having studied language at the Sorbonne and has written two books. What the Hell is she doing with this crowd?

Selita Ebanks.
Balancing out Holly Robinson Peete is Seltia Ebanks. She is a former Victoria’s Secret Model. She was engaged to Nick Cannon before Mariah Carey came along. Her Wiki says she was “accepted” to some colleges but doesn’t say if she “attended” any colleges so I’ll use short words in case she is reading this.

Brett Michaels.
1983- Poison tops the charts.
2005- sex tape with Pamela Anderson
2008- MTV’s Rock of Love with Brett Michaels
2009- Michaels suffered a fractured nose and cut lip at the Tony Awards show after performing Poison’s song “Nothin’ but a Good Time.” When he turned to exit the stage, a descending piece of the set hit him in the head before he could duck under it, knocking him on his back.
2010- Celebrity Apprentice

‘Nuff said.

Cyndi Lauper.
A big deal at one time, Cyndi hasn’t been too busy lately, explaining why she has time for this show. You see, real celebrities are busy working on projects, or are simply too big for this show. Cyndi, however, has some free time on her hands. You might remember her from the Captain Lou Albano hit “Girls Just Want to Have Fun.”

Cyndi is on the right.

Carol Leifer.
A funny comedian you may never have heard of, her claim to fame is that she is allegedly the inspiration for Elaine from Seinfeld. Frank Sinatra once praised Leifer as “one funny broad!” You can’t buy publicity like that.

Sharon Osbourne.
I firmly expect her to win. She is sharp, manipulative, savvy, and very well-connected. She has managed Ozzy Osbourne’s career for years and, more importantly, managed to live with him, so dealing with Donald Trump should be a piece of cake. She has her own career, which consists of being Sharon Osbourne on a variety of shows.

So there you go, America. These are your Celebrities!

God help us all.

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