Tag Archives: Brighton Beach

I found Brooklyn in the Caribbean (Part 1)

18 Jun

June 18, 2015

Last week I was on a Caribbean cruise. It was amazing. A totally different world, in fact. Unless you are from my part of Brooklyn. I found that Brooklyn exists down in the islands too.

The first day on the ship there was a photo op with some DreamWorks characters. I was in line with my family to have my picture taken with some sort of giant hippo creature when the two senior citizens in front of us turned around and asked us a question. At least I think that’s what they did.

They were two women, approximately 670 years old (combined) and were wearing outfits that I still see in fevered dreams when no amount of rum will wash away the memories. Leopard spandex stretched over their obese, 4-foot frames. Tight, tight animal print sleeveless tops, with their batwing flabby arms whacking into their sides with meaty thwaps. Enough gold jewelry around their necks and jammed on their sausage fingers to pay off my mortgage. And don’t ask about the makeup. Please. I’m trying to block it all out. And of course they wanted to have a conversation with us. In Russian.

They kind of looked like this, but stockier.

They kind of looked like this, but stockier.

After I got over my shock and revulsion and recovered my poise, I said something eloquent and pithy like “uh, I don’t understand…” They switched to heavily accented English.

“Vayre you from?”

I had no idea then and no idea now why they picked us out, but I do tend to get picked out by odd strangers for their delusional conversations from time to time. I must have that kind of face, which is why I need grow a thick beard.

“Uh, I’m from Brooklyn.”

“Brooklyn! Brooklyn! Brighton Beach!” They got very excited, jabbered to each other, and kept pointing at me. And since I was only a couple of feet away they were nearly jabbing me in the belly. “Brighton Beach! Brighton Beach!”

“Yeah, I don’t live there.” And even if I did, I’d still tell them I didn’t live there for fear they’d decide to look me up and jab me some more back on dry land.

“You shood go! Good! Very good! Call it Little Russia!”

I’ve been there. Very good it is not. Brighton Beach is where I encountered The World’s Largest Pile of Garbage, among other things. And while it also has a beach, the comparison to any Caribbean beach begins and ends there.  And if Little Russia is anything like Big Russia, then it’s no wonder that Putin spends so much time wrestling bears.

“Yeah,” I said through a smile that was queasy from reasons other than the sea. “Lots of Russians,” I helpfully confirmed.

Then, mercifully, it was the women’s turn to get their pictures taken, and they moved on.

After I had my pictures taken with a person in a hippo costume that looked very normal compared to the specimens I was just speaking with, I made sure to go in the opposite direction.

 

TO BE CONTINUED in Part 2, in which I travel 700 miles just to meet some people who live 2 blocks away from me.

Am I Your Portal to Charo?

19 Feb

February 19, 2010

Am I your portal to Charo?

The Editors and Staff of Mr. Blog’s Tepid Ride (hereafter known simply as “me”) really want to know.

Since moving to WordPress, while this site has not exactly set the blogsphere (or blogoverse, if you prefer) on fire, it has more than tripled the number of readers I used to get when I blogged on the unpainted side of a barn. But I digress.

So while I am not getting hundreds or thousands of views per day, I am getting anywhere from 95- 155 per day. Big numbers? If you are CNN, no. If you are the guy who posts different irrelevant top ten lists every week, no. (This week’s was about mail order brides. He left one out- #11- They drug you and steal your kidneys while you are on vacation.) Again, I digress. Wildly. I am digressing the Hell out of this blog. Anyway, big numbers. Are 95-155 views per day a lot?  If you are me, yes.

What concerns me, though, is what drives these numbers. Let me show you a sample of search engine terms that have driven traffic to my blog over the past few weeks.

SEARCH
richard simmons
charo                                                                                
picture of charo
1970 + role model
role models of the 70’s
charo cuci cuci
richard simmons images
welcome back kotter
did jimmie walker attend esther rolle’s funeral
esther rolle funeral
marcia strassman
juan epstein
who were 1970 male role models?

See a trend here? These were not one-time searches, theese turn up every day in my blog stats. So every day someone goes to google or yahoo or googwho or whatever and types in “did jimmie walker attend esther rolle’s funeral.” Every single day someone types in “charo cuci cuci” and ends up here. Some days these searches are responsible for over half of all my blog views.

Who knew Charo was still so popular?

Anyway, for anyone who really needs Charo pics and more, here are the links you need:
1970’s TV Role Models
1970’s Role Models Round Two
1970’s Role Models Round Three
Who is the best 1970’s television role model? FINAL ROUND!

For better, and possibly funny, blogs, try these:
No Toilet No Bride
Early Saturday Morning, Drunk in the Laundromat
The Brighton Beach Rats
The Burger King Whopper Virgins
A Day In The Life of Tony Danza’s Agent

Do I feel like a tool for plugging myself? Yes I do. But not as much of a tool as the guys who search for Charo cuci cuci pics every single day.

And if you happen to be one of those guys, thanks, and this is for you:

 

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