Tag Archives: Burger King Whopper Virgins

Am I Your Portal to Charo?

19 Feb

February 19, 2010

Am I your portal to Charo?

The Editors and Staff of Mr. Blog’s Tepid Ride (hereafter known simply as “me”) really want to know.

Since moving to WordPress, while this site has not exactly set the blogsphere (or blogoverse, if you prefer) on fire, it has more than tripled the number of readers I used to get when I blogged on the unpainted side of a barn. But I digress.

So while I am not getting hundreds or thousands of views per day, I am getting anywhere from 95- 155 per day. Big numbers? If you are CNN, no. If you are the guy who posts different irrelevant top ten lists every week, no. (This week’s was about mail order brides. He left one out- #11- They drug you and steal your kidneys while you are on vacation.) Again, I digress. Wildly. I am digressing the Hell out of this blog. Anyway, big numbers. Are 95-155 views per day a lot?  If you are me, yes.

What concerns me, though, is what drives these numbers. Let me show you a sample of search engine terms that have driven traffic to my blog over the past few weeks.

richard simmons
picture of charo
1970 + role model
role models of the 70’s
charo cuci cuci
richard simmons images
welcome back kotter
did jimmie walker attend esther rolle’s funeral
esther rolle funeral
marcia strassman
juan epstein
who were 1970 male role models?

See a trend here? These were not one-time searches, theese turn up every day in my blog stats. So every day someone goes to google or yahoo or googwho or whatever and types in “did jimmie walker attend esther rolle’s funeral.” Every single day someone types in “charo cuci cuci” and ends up here. Some days these searches are responsible for over half of all my blog views.

Who knew Charo was still so popular?

Anyway, for anyone who really needs Charo pics and more, here are the links you need:
1970’s TV Role Models
1970’s Role Models Round Two
1970’s Role Models Round Three
Who is the best 1970’s television role model? FINAL ROUND!

For better, and possibly funny, blogs, try these:
No Toilet No Bride
Early Saturday Morning, Drunk in the Laundromat
The Brighton Beach Rats
The Burger King Whopper Virgins
A Day In The Life of Tony Danza’s Agent

Do I feel like a tool for plugging myself? Yes I do. But not as much of a tool as the guys who search for Charo cuci cuci pics every single day.

And if you happen to be one of those guys, thanks, and this is for you:


The Burger King Whopper Virgins

17 Nov

from December 21, 2008

Have you seen this commercial? Burger King gathered people from around the world who had never heard of a burger in their lives and brought them together to choose between the Whopper and the Big Mac.

These people come from all sorts of indigenous populations who have been minimally tainted by contact with the West. These things never go well for the indigenous people. Usually, if left alone, they’ll end up alright, but when the West gets involved, the whole course of their natural cultural evolution gets shifted 128 degrees left. Take Japan for example. Want to know what Japan was like before Western culture came to them? Just watch any old 1970’s kung fu flick. There were samurai in every town, ninjas jumping out of trees, ronin roaming the countryside. You couldn’t walk to the yak farm down the road without having your honor challenged or a swordsman steal your ox cart. The average Japanese citizen had his local warlord on speed dial, so to speak. And now? Western suits, manga, and Godzilla. See what we did?

So Burger King took people who wore strange box-like hats, straw skirts, made clicking noises instead of speaking, and introduced them to the hamburger. They call these people “Whopper Virgins.” You see, they had never fucked a hamburger before.

They put these guys in a room, softened the lights, and let them first fuck a Big Mac and then fuck a Whopper and asked them which they preferred to fuck. The Whopper no-longer Virgins picked, by a wide margin, the Whopper as the burger they most liked to fuck. They preferred the bigger buns and meatier patties.

Burger King then put these people on the next boat home, crotches stained with mayonnaise, ketchup, and secret sauce.

What is Burger King thinking? How can they devote a whole advertising campaign to Whopper fucking? That’s disgusting. Who cares which burger is more fuckable? In the dark they all look the same anyway.

I think we need to take a stand. Burger fucking is where we should draw the line. Burger King should not be allowed to get away with this outrage. I am emailing future Senator Caroline Kennedy, the woman most able to put a stop to this, as well as global warming and interplanetary war. (Did you know that in the last presidential and mayoral elections she didn’t even bother to vote?)

Together, we can put an end to Whopper fucking.

See for yourself:

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