Tag Archives: bad advice

Mr. Know-It-All: Big Box o’ Bad

11 Nov

from March 5, 2007

Wow, it has really been a while since Mr. Know-It-All has been sober enough to type. Man, my life sucks. I mean, how many times can you wake up in a puddle of assorted bodily fluids next to a hooker going through your wallet and her pimp doing blow before you decide to sober up? For me it’s 182 and counting.

Anyway, the infrequency of this rambling, and probably misnamed, “advice column” is not in fact due to my sobriety, or lack thereof, but to a specific legal precept * and the qualifying corollary.**

So we come now to Harriett Cole. I am going to exclusively use letters from her column. I love the tools who write in to her. They’re even stupider than the average Jersey girl. But not as big boobed. (Just kidding. I love Jersey broads. And big boobs.) Here’s the first letter, and it deals with an issue that Mr. Know-It-All is an expert in: urination.

Dear Harriette:

I work with five men and four women in an office with one unisex restroom. Whenever a man leaves the toilet seat up, he is made to assume some actual law has been transgressed.

I think these women need to realize the female method of urination is, at best, equal to the male method, but not superior to it. It’s as much of a nuisance for me to put the seat up as it is for some women to put it down. In fact, I rarely ever need the seat down at work, but I am forced to put it up all through the day.

I have the impression a couple of women here connect the toilet-seat issue to women’s rights. What a mockery. Women act as if they have some type of entitlement in the restroom, but unless they have broken arms, they could carry on as men have and prepare the seat to their own liking without the absurdity of complaint.

Jack, New York

 

Oh man where to start? First of all, a unisex bathroom is great! If I had one around here I could take down all of my hidden web cams in the women’s john.

Next, the old question, up or down? Well Mr. Know-It-All may buck the trend around here, but the answer is down, at all times. Let me explain. I take more depressants, anti-depressants, psychedelics, and just plain booze than the average army. I don’t know how many times I’ve stumbled to the bathroom, using my last erg of strength, bleary-eyed and strung out, and just made it to the toilet. I plopped down, only to fall into the bowl because the seat was up. If the seat was down I wouldn’t have gotten a goddam wet ass for like the bamillionth time. It’s one thing if I get blasted and wet myself, I don’t need a stupid seat left up to do it for me. But I got to tell you, nothing will wake you up like a splash of cold water on your nads. I learned that in ‘Nam. And it’s not like I need the seat up anyway. I haven’t taken a piss like a man since I came down with my fourth case of syphilis.

And what’s with these women anyway? “Women act as if they have some type of entitlement in the restroom,”  Jack writes. What the hell is that all about? Women’s rights? Get back in the kitchen and bake me a pie. And don’t even think about voting. Who do think you are, Susan B. Anthony? Get out of the bathroom and back in the kitchen. (And if my mother is reading this, I blame it all on you.)

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This next letter is written by a jerk.

DEAR HARRIETTE: In response to Sonny in New York, I saw something on TV about “women” from faraway countries asking for money. Do not send a dime! Chances are you are not even speaking to a female. The report found a man posing as a female in this type of scam. If you send the money, you will never see that person or the cash. Also, this “woman” will invent some sob story about how she couldn’t make it into the country for whatever reason but that she spent your money already, cannot get it back and needs more money. Like Harriette said, “Trust your instincts.” Run away! And fast!

Scott, New York

I can go so many ways here. I can go with the internet scam angle. I can go with the “fool and his money” angle. But I’m going with the men posing as women angle.

Let me tell you a little story. It was July 26, 2004. I was trolling around Red Hook at 4 am looking for a little friction. You’ve all done this. At 4 am you’re not getting the pick of the litter, but Mr. know-It-All spent most of the day passed out on a strange floor and this was the earliest I could find my car keys. Well, we’ve all been there. So I slowed up when I saw this [CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED]  and got her in the back and we [CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED] until it was raw and scabby, but when I [CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED] it was a man! So I [CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED] Long story short- I paid him double and met him the next night.

And here is a part of Harriett Cole’s “response”:

I received a few letters from people who wanted me to say that Nigerians as a culture are dishonest, because the woman in question is from there. I cannot make such a statement. It is dangerous to label a whole group of people in any way. I refuse to do so.

Mr. Know-It-All has no such morals.

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Finally, another pathetic loser who can’t solve her own problems and needs someone to think for her. I shouldn’t complain- without them I’d have no column.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Like many others, I lost a dear friend when our friendship collapsed under the weight of changing life circumstances, disappointment, resentfulness, an inability to listen to each other and sometimes outright cruelty. The dissolution of our bond caught us both off guard – we were closer than sisters, and I had never imagined my life without her. I have forgiven her for the hurt she caused me and I have been working on forgiving myself for the hurt I caused her.

However, we still share a mutual circle of friends – we see each other at gatherings. I wish nothing but the best for her, and I am happy to see and speak to her at these gatherings. But now she has indicated, and I have heard from mutual friends, that she wants to be friends again. I tried at least twice to reconnect with her on a more frequent basis, but old feelings led to quick arguments and unpredictable meetings.

Does forgiving someone mean you have to trust her to be in your life again? Does my reluctance to reestablish an ongoing connection with her mean I’m being unfair and haven’t truly forgiven her? I feel guilty every day for not being able to willingly reciprocate her feelings, but I don’t feel comfortable allowing her back in my life.

Vivian, Chicago

Vivian, you need to be like me. Hate everybody! Hate hate hate! Trust me- people suck! All they do is steal your car keys in a misguided attempt to stop you from drinking and driving. All friends do is try to get you into some clinic to dry out. All friends do is refuse to let you vomit on their new carpet.

Forgiveness? Did Mr. Know-It-All forgive his father for touching him in the garage when they were working on the car when I was only eight years old? Did Mr. Know-It-All forgive his ex-wife for stealing all his money and running off with the dry-cleaner down the block? The one who you just know could have gotten the stain out of my jacket if he really tried? Did Mr. Know-It-All ever forgive Mr. Giambucci, the gym teacher, for the “jock strap incident” in junior high? I’m still not over that one!

So be happy you lost some dead-weight and get on with your stinking life.

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So let’s recap this one, ’cause it was a doozy. Urination, cold nads, anti-women’s rights, my favorite cross-dressing prostitute, Nigerians, hate hate hate, and some incidents of my life that I still have nightmares about. No wonder I drink and inject cocaine in the corners of my eyeballs.

Mr. Know-It-All often wonders what the purpose of this column is. Is it advice? Is it an abject lesson in what not to do? Who cares? It pays the bills. Or in this case it buys the cheap hookers, booze and blow.

* Sometimes you feel like a nut.

** Sometimes you don’t.

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Mr. Know-It-All and the Mysteries of the Hebrews

9 Nov

from January 8, 2007

Mr. Know-It-All is back, kids! Listen to me and you’ll go far. Don’t listen to me and I may hit you over the head with a blunt object. Just kidding! Mr. know-It-All is a peaceful man.

This week, as I stumbled my way through yet another work week in a drunken haze, I came across this wonderful “Ask the Rabbi” site. Now, I know what you’re thinking: “What is this shit I’m reading and what’s wrong with him?” The question you should be asking is: “Is Mr. Know-It-All qualified to tackle the tough issues of the Talmud? I know he’s handsome and gifted in the pants, but what is his background in the area of Judaic scholarship?” Let me explain.

At an early age, I received Rabbinical training from Mortimer Schultz, a cantor with a sore throat who was looking to make a few bucks on the side. Sadly, I never completed my training as I was called away to aid a mysterious old man and his two droids as they rescued a space-princess from the Death Star. I promised that I would return, but sadly my mentor died and I was turned to the Dark Side.

Now on with the advice, tools.

  

From: HMATTHEW@AOL.COM

 

A BOY AND HIS COINS

We have a new baby boy and I heard something about having to “buy him back from a kohen.” What do I have to do – and how much is this going to cost?

I know this from experience. I once had to buy a child back from a coven. It was 1978 and my family and I were driving across the desert. In the middle of nowhere, we were surrounded by a gang of satanic bikers, Hell’s Hellions, and they tied up my wife and forced my infant child into a side-car. I tried to stop them, but- what? You asked me about a coven. “Kohen?” What the fuck is a “kohen”? OK, the best I can do is that, right now, in Cambodia, babies go for about $3 a pound. Hope that helps.

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And here’s the next Jew:

MARLBORO MAN?

From: Clifford Harroo of Port of Spain,Trinidad – charroo@saintmail.net 2/1/2000

I was born and raised on the island of Trinidad in the Caribbean. It appears that in the western world, a “man” is expected to be macho, keep up with the latest fashion, smoke, drink alcohol, be a womanizer, etc. But experience has shown me that there is something wrong with this definition.

Could you please give me a correct definition from the Torah of what a “man” should be?

The Torah is very clear on the subject: A man should have a penis. A big, thick, Mr. Know-It-All penis. A man should be a man at all times. Men in history, like Dean Martin, were drinkers. Benjamin Franklin was a drunk. Stephen Hawking was a star high school athlete until he became a drinker. Dick Cheney drinks formaldehyde. A man hits horses, a man swaggers when he walks, a man writes an advice column, dammit. In short, in my rabbinical opinion, Mr. Know-It-All is the only real man left.

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Victim, er, letter-writer number three:

GRANDPA’S BAR MITZVAH

From: Jay Wallet – – jwallet@bealenet.com 2/1/2000

Many years ago, my grandfather turned 83 and decided to have a second Bar Mitzvah. This was held in conjunction with our oldest son’s Bar Mitzvah. My grandfather said that when you turn 83, its is like 13, since Torah gives a man’s life span as 70 years.

My question is, was my gramps putting one over on us, or was he correct?

You fell for the oldest Jewish trick in the book. The bible is full of nonsense like that. Stuff like “unleavened bread.” Do you know who created unleavened bread? The matzoh companies, that’s who. “Oh, it’s biblical” they say. Mr. Know-It-All says “bullshit!” Streits, Meullers, they’re all in it together. They can make bread cheaper without yeast and mark it way up for the holidays. They’re not fooling me. And this “second Bar-Mitzvah” nonsense is just more of the same. You grandfather ripped you off. Want to know some other things that are allegedly in the bible but aren’t?  How about Noah’s Ark? Who builds an arc if the world is ending? Now I admit that I have only read a few pages of the bible, but I didn’t see any Noah or his ark. If the world was ending I would grab the most beautiful woman I know or just the closest woman I see and tie her up and do stuff that if I wrote it here you’d all want it too. (The women I mean. No homo.)

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Doing good so far:

From: Peter Walters – PeterWalters@bath221254.freeserve.co.uk

I often see a warning on printed material that says: “This contains the Name of God — please dispose of reverently.” I would be grateful if you could give me some advice on how this is done.”
“Reverently” in Mr. Know-It-All language means “with booze.”

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STAR WARS MANIA

From: – ride_the_wave@juno.com 1/27/2000

I recently saw the new Star Wars film “The Phantom Menace” and couldn’t help but think about the spiritual undertones throughout the movie: the Force, the Dark Side, Jedi Knights and Lightsabers. What’s the Jewish perspective on all this?

Ah, the Jewish perspective. Frankly, Jews, Catholics, and almost all religions of the world agree on this topic: That film blows.

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Mr. Know-It-All follows one tenet- what Mr. Know-It-All wants, Mr. Know-It-All gets.

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