Mr. Know-It-All and the Mysteries of the Hebrews

9 Nov

from January 8, 2007

Mr. Know-It-All is back, kids! Listen to me and you’ll go far. Don’t listen to me and I may hit you over the head with a blunt object. Just kidding! Mr. know-It-All is a peaceful man.

This week, as I stumbled my way through yet another work week in a drunken haze, I came across this wonderful “Ask the Rabbi” site. Now, I know what you’re thinking: “What is this shit I’m reading and what’s wrong with him?” The question you should be asking is: “Is Mr. Know-It-All qualified to tackle the tough issues of the Talmud? I know he’s handsome and gifted in the pants, but what is his background in the area of Judaic scholarship?” Let me explain.

At an early age, I received Rabbinical training from Mortimer Schultz, a cantor with a sore throat who was looking to make a few bucks on the side. Sadly, I never completed my training as I was called away to aid a mysterious old man and his two droids as they rescued a space-princess from the Death Star. I promised that I would return, but sadly my mentor died and I was turned to the Dark Side.

Now on with the advice, tools.





We have a new baby boy and I heard something about having to “buy him back from a kohen.” What do I have to do – and how much is this going to cost?

I know this from experience. I once had to buy a child back from a coven. It was 1978 and my family and I were driving across the desert. In the middle of nowhere, we were surrounded by a gang of satanic bikers, Hell’s Hellions, and they tied up my wife and forced my infant child into a side-car. I tried to stop them, but- what? You asked me about a coven. “Kohen?” What the fuck is a “kohen”? OK, the best I can do is that, right now, in Cambodia, babies go for about $3 a pound. Hope that helps.


And here’s the next Jew:


From: Clifford Harroo of Port of Spain,Trinidad 2/1/2000

I was born and raised on the island of Trinidad in the Caribbean. It appears that in the western world, a “man” is expected to be macho, keep up with the latest fashion, smoke, drink alcohol, be a womanizer, etc. But experience has shown me that there is something wrong with this definition.

Could you please give me a correct definition from the Torah of what a “man” should be?

The Torah is very clear on the subject: A man should have a penis. A big, thick, Mr. Know-It-All penis. A man should be a man at all times. Men in history, like Dean Martin, were drinkers. Benjamin Franklin was a drunk. Stephen Hawking was a star high school athlete until he became a drinker. Dick Cheney drinks formaldehyde. A man hits horses, a man swaggers when he walks, a man writes an advice column, dammit. In short, in my rabbinical opinion, Mr. Know-It-All is the only real man left.


Victim, er, letter-writer number three:


From: Jay Wallet – 2/1/2000

Many years ago, my grandfather turned 83 and decided to have a second Bar Mitzvah. This was held in conjunction with our oldest son’s Bar Mitzvah. My grandfather said that when you turn 83, its is like 13, since Torah gives a man’s life span as 70 years.

My question is, was my gramps putting one over on us, or was he correct?

You fell for the oldest Jewish trick in the book. The bible is full of nonsense like that. Stuff like “unleavened bread.” Do you know who created unleavened bread? The matzoh companies, that’s who. “Oh, it’s biblical” they say. Mr. Know-It-All says “bullshit!” Streits, Meullers, they’re all in it together. They can make bread cheaper without yeast and mark it way up for the holidays. They’re not fooling me. And this “second Bar-Mitzvah” nonsense is just more of the same. You grandfather ripped you off. Want to know some other things that are allegedly in the bible but aren’t?  How about Noah’s Ark? Who builds an arc if the world is ending? Now I admit that I have only read a few pages of the bible, but I didn’t see any Noah or his ark. If the world was ending I would grab the most beautiful woman I know or just the closest woman I see and tie her up and do stuff that if I wrote it here you’d all want it too. (The women I mean. No homo.)


Doing good so far:

From: Peter Walters –

I often see a warning on printed material that says: “This contains the Name of God — please dispose of reverently.” I would be grateful if you could give me some advice on how this is done.”
“Reverently” in Mr. Know-It-All language means “with booze.”




From: – 1/27/2000

I recently saw the new Star Wars film “The Phantom Menace” and couldn’t help but think about the spiritual undertones throughout the movie: the Force, the Dark Side, Jedi Knights and Lightsabers. What’s the Jewish perspective on all this?

Ah, the Jewish perspective. Frankly, Jews, Catholics, and almost all religions of the world agree on this topic: That film blows.


Mr. Know-It-All follows one tenet- what Mr. Know-It-All wants, Mr. Know-It-All gets.

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