Tag Archives: astrology

Your Daily Fortune for January 15th, 2015

15 Jan

January 15, 2015


Hello. I am the Fortunebot 5000™. I am calculating your Daily Fortune™ based on over 6 million variables, including your past history, the weather on the day you were born, and the 2016 Seattle Mariners spring training schedule.

Your Daily Fortune™ will be ready shortly.

While you wait, have you considered that this may be a good time to try new Carter’s Toothpaste™? Carter’s Toothpaste™ now has  21% more fluoride. Carter’s Toothpaste™ is a proud sponsor of Your Daily Fortune™. Carter’s Toothpaste™. Proudly carcinogen-free since 2006.

Your Daily Fortune™ is now ready.

Your teeth may be in danger of cavities. Please see your dentist immediately.








Your Daily Horoscope: November 18th, 2014

18 Nov

November 18, 2014

Your Daily Horoscope: November 18th, 2014

  • Aries: Today will be a good day to indulge your hidden desires, but not in public! That sort of thing is still illegal in this country.
  • Taurus: You will come into money today! A Nigerian Prince will contact you about transferring a large sum of money out of his country. Be sure to give him your social security number.
  • Gemini: The moon is in the second house. See loser? Even the moon can afford two houses, and you still live your parent’s basement.
  • Cancer: You will get cancer. HA! Just kidding!
  • Leo: Avoid using deodorant today. This will keep your boss from approaching you with extra work.
  • Virgo: Today will be a great day to email a Taurus while pretending to be a Nigerian Prince.
  • Libra: Today is your lucky day! If you’re hoping your wife will ask for a divorce, that is.
  • Scorpio: You might want to consider getting a cool tattoo on your face, just like Mike Tyson.
  • Sagittarius: Magic 8 Ball says: YES
  • Capricorn: You will meet a handsome stranger. His name is Jeph. You will dislike him intensely.
  • Aquarius: If you know anyone who is a Taurus, don’t let on that I’m just screwing with him about that whole Nigerian Prince thing, OK?
  • Pisces: Insert your own “Uranus is ascending” joke.
%d bloggers like this: