Tag Archives: Allan Keyes

Allan Keyes Recalls the FOX EPIC LINEUP!

4 Mar

March 4, 2013

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Remember when Fox Network programming sucked? I mean it sucks now, but in the same general way that all networks suck nowadays. But remember when Fox was just getting off the ground in the original programming game? The good shows like 21 Jump Street (or as I call it, the Richard Grieco Experience) and Married With Children were few and far between, but crap like romantic comedy Duet (soon turned into unfunny comedy Open House )  was the norm.  That said, I still like Parker Lewis Can’t Lose to this day, and if you say anything bad about it, well you and I are gonna have harsh words son.

Now this is not an exhaustive list – Fox has had MANY sucktastic shows from Models Inc. (notable only because it provided a classic Simpsons line. I’ll let you have the joy of Googling it) to something called Top of the Heap,  the epic fail Married With Children spinoff that gave us Matt LeBlanc playing the classic TV character, Vinny Verducci. 

There was one point where Fox had an absolutely EPIC power bloc of programs that Mr. B and I still talk about to this day:

Hermans Head  

It’s not actually a bad idea: quasi-likeable William Ragsdale has to navigate life based on the infighting and bickering of the personified voices in his head. It was probably the least objectionably pathetic of these early Fox shows. It displayed occasional flashes of almost-comedy, and at one point Yeardley Smith joined the show, giving it major starpower.  Fox currently has a void in the “voices in my head” show now that House is off the air. It’s also a good thing that William Ragsdale turned down the offer to play Jack Bauer in 24 some years later, otherwise TV history may have been quite different!

Good Grief     

A sitcom about a funeral home. Featuring a transvestite and Howie Mandel. What more do you need?  And what more do I need to say? Not that I  can – I remember nothing about this show save that it sucked.

Woops !

This is the holy grail for me. I could not find a single clip of this anywhere! Only the following two stills.  If you have clips, or know where to find, send me the info and Mr. B will pay you handsomely. Basically the cute premise- by a fluke chain of events, the world ends due to nuclear holocaust (which makes the title design below all the more ironic. Haha! Mass death is funny! I understand the original title for this series was “Dancing on Our Graves” but for some reason the censors vetoed it)

Anyway, the central conceit of this show is that somehow – I don’t care enough to check, sorry – a disparate group of survivors ends up in a cabin that they can’t leave because of giant spiders lurking outside. And as you can imagine, hilarity ensues when personalities clash!

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whoops cast

 

You think any of the actors involved put this on their resume? Or would admit to it?

 

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TV is Sick and Twisted and Full of Murderers

25 Feb

February 25, 2013

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Am I the only one who notices how disturbing some innocuous commercials really are?  Kids- children – the future of this nation – are being encouraged to commit all sorts of violent and depraved crimes by cute animated characters! And you thought G.I. Joe was violent! (Or if you thought I was a hack, you win!!!) Anyway, check this one out:

So a LIVING, SENTIENT Pop-Tart doing his best impression of Fonzie jumping the garbage cans at Arnolds, accidentally falls into the toaster and DIES. And it’s all yummy yummy fun. Subtext: THE POP TART DIED! HOORAY!!   I mean jeeze, imagine if Fearless Fonzarelli’s stunt ended with him falling into a toaster instead of a fried chicken stand (and then Pinky Tuscadero turned it on)

If fact, if you watch these Pop-Tart commercials, you’ll see a theme-  that they all basically end with nice, loveable living pastries who think and dream and feel either falling into, or getting tricked into the toaster, to their deaths. I mean look at this one:

This is flat out murder for god’s sake!

It’s not limited to mediocre breakfast treats either. Check this out:

The M&M doesn’t want to be eaten for goodness sake! And I’m sorry, but look at the last couple of scenes: She’s trying to shove the loveable M&M into an oven against his will. And then it’s a group of women eating him alive. This one gave me nightmares, NO JOKE.

This one is slightly better, as the murder/eating alive aspect is subtle and played for laughs (ha. ha.) And these pretzel M&Ms present a whole ethical dilemma unto themselves. The pretzel and the M&M are presumably living beings, (and of similar sizes) yet they are happily expected to have one crawl up inside the other one (where exactly? M&Ms aren’t usually depicted with a chocolate chute if you know what I mean) to be eaten. Who’s the demented candy Frankenstein (or maybe a confectionary Mengele) making this happen? It’s like demanding the ingredients of the turducken (if you don’t know consider yourself lucky) assemble themselves so fatsos like John Madden can eat them alive.

Now I like this one. This one is interesting. There’s nobody trying to eat/kill them, no message of “Hey kids! Eat me alive and suck out my blood with your breakfast milk!” but the silly frosted mini wheats think absolutely nothing of cavorting in front of boxes and boxes filled with what I presume to be mini wheat corpses. The new slogan for this product: “It’s a mini-wheat holocaust! Now with berries!”

Gary Larson was a prophet. Check out this classic far side cartoon and see what I mean….genius. Pure genius.

cows

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