Tag Archives: advice

Donut Munching Cops And Their Ticket Quotas!

23 Sep

September 23, 2015

Before I begin, et’s enjoy some fine malt lyrics from House of Pain and their hit Jump Around.

Feelin, funky, amps in the trunk and I got more rhymes
than there’s cops at a Dunkin’ Donuts shop
Sho’ nuff, I got props
From the kids on the Hill plus my mom and my pops

Ah, pure musical genius! So why the musical interlude? (And is it really an interlude if you begin with it? But I digress.) Well, this post is about cops at a Dunkin’ Donuts shop. And of course I got mad props from the kids on the Hill, plus my mom and my pops, yo.

I rarely have run-ins with the po-po. Except for the time I was accused of dealing drugs and run out of Farmingdale I’ve never had a bad police experience. (BTW, that’s a true story. Click here to read my semi-harrowing tale of police intimidation.) But even then, ass-hats that the police were, at least they were doing their jobs. In this case, they were lazy and deliberately gave me a bad ticket to fill a quota and justify their dereliction of duty.

(But I still love you, NYPD! Don’t read this and think I am anti-police! I’m not! It’s just Mayor de Blassio I hate. #onetermmayor)

It was a Saturday a couple of weeks ago. I met Saarah for a quick breakfast at Dunkin’ Donuts. Yup, that’s me, the Big Spender. When I pulled up, there was a police car parked right in from of the store. I know, hard to believe, isn’t it? A cop car in front of a donut shop. The only thing that would have made it more perfect would have been if the cops were these guys:

I am a big Sir Stewart Wallace fan

I am a big Sir Stewart Wallace fan

They also happened be parked right next to the muni-meter. I parked right in front of them. I got out of the car and, being the total paranoid kook that I am, glanced at the cops to make sure they were not running my plates to see how many parking tickets I still hadn’t paid. (BTW, the answer is “none.” See how paranoid I am?) But they were just sitting there. One was reading a newspaper, the other was sipping coffee. I didn’t see any donuts but I guarantee the box was sitting on the seat between them and their uniforms were covered with cruller crumbs.

So I saw them, and since I saw them I know they saw me, since I saw them seeing me (I am writing this at 3am, can you tell?) and they saw me put money in the meter and walk back to my car and put the receipt on the dash. I paid for 45 minutes.

I will skip the details of my Dunkin’ Donuts snack, except to mention that I had neither coffee nor donuts.

We went back to the car and the cops were still sitting there. Saarah made a joke about cops and ticket quotas and how hard it is to fill them when you sit around parked eating donuts all day. (I will now take a dramatic pause while you say “Hey! That’s ironic!”)

We walked back to the car with almost ten minutes still left on the meter. I got in the car and almost, but not quite, turned the key when I saw something orange and evil under one of the wiper blades. It was a $35 ticket for not posting the receipt on my dashboard. With a single muttered “%$^&!” (Yes, I said it just like that) I grabbed the receipt off the dashboard, right where the officer claimed it was not, and took two steps toward the still parked police car-

-which pulled away from the curb and drove away.

They saw me. I was right directly in front of them the whole time. They saw me take the ticket off the window. They saw me grab the receipt. They saw me walk toward them. They saw me look like an idiot as I watched them drive away with, I am sure, mocking laughter.

The two officers sat in front of the donut shop for at least 45 minutes doing nothing. They had to show some activity, I guess, so instead of saying that they were sitting around goofing off, they made it look like they were giving out parking tickets. And they were smart about it too. They couldn’t give me a ticket for not paying the meter or running out of time, which the receipt would easily prove false. They gave me a ticket for not displaying it, so it really comes down to my word against theirs.

I already pled not guilty online, and if I have to, I will sit in traffic court all day and make those lazy SOBs appear so I can call them liars to their faces.

Unless I can’t make it that day.

.

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Before I Hit Delete And Empty The Trash, Let’s Read Some Spam!

26 Jun

June 26, 2015

Here are some of my favorite recent spam comments. I usually don’t bother looking because, quite frankly, I have all the penis pills I’ll ever need. UH, I MEAN “I DON’T NEED ANY PENIS PILLS!” Yeah, that’s what I meant. All man here.

Anyway, there were a few messages that stood out. I present them here for the first and only time, before I hit delete and send these to the cyber-hell to which they belong. They are complete and unedited. Any typos in the comments are from the original spams, not my usual mistypes.

And yeah, forget about that penis pills typo. Sorry about that. I swear I only tried them once I don’t need them.

spam1

This one was in response to Allan Keyes’ review of Batman: A Death in the Family:

 What’s up everyone, it’s my first visit at this web site, and post is actually fruitful in favor of me, keep up posting these types of content.

Thanks! There’s plenty of these types of content to come. And speaking of Allan Keyes, he’s fruitful in favor of you too.

 

Here’s one that was sent to a post I wrote about my Dad ranting about the Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade:

Mc – Guire is not a fan of the new lasers and prefers to stick with the tried and true CO2 version. s procedures, it is easy to afford to change your life around for the better. t one single procedure that men are seeking to have done either, Dr.

Yes! This man gets it! That is exactly what I was going for. My Dad wasn’t a fan of those new lasers either, he wasn’t about to let Macy’s get away with it, whatever it might have been. And though I may consistently and recklessly post medical advice all the time, I am not a doctor. You probably shouldn’t listen to me about those lasers.

 

One of my posts about Brighton Beach inspired this reaction:

Her $250 cash advance had cost her $187 and she or he still owed $225 principal to the second cash advance company as well as $250 plus interest to the first company Holley Dimeglio but in the years ahead until close the fund, we’re likely to try not to have ourselves in the position where every 3 months, unless we inform you things close, now we will tell we’re closed.

Ugh! I hate Common Core math! So let’s see, if she had a cash advance of $250 and it cost $187, that leaves $83. Take out taxes and fees, she’s got about $37 left. She still owes, uh, and there’s interest, every 3 months… The heck with it. Let Holley Dimeglio figure it out herself. She needs a part-time job or something.

 

This was in answer to my review of a Doctor Who episode:

Ӎy favorite ɑre the skull аnd cross bones tank fօr my dog. When talking about clothing, ɦere arе some phrases ƴoս сan use:. Thesе clothes dryers ѡill not send your indoor air outdoors.

It’s a good thing I read this before my vacation. That phrase really did come in handy in San Juan.
PEDDLER: Would you like to buy this handmade drum?
ME: These clothes dryers will not send your indoor air outdoors.
PEDDLER: You know we speak English in Puerto Rico, right?

 

This came in to my blog about Jimmy Olsen comic book covers:

I today wear heels 5 times per week and I’ve never ever thought more at home.

So never mind the thinking cap, it’s the thinking shoe we should be trying out. I could stand to do some more thinking at home.

 

Well, that’s it for tonight. I’ve been feeling a little slow, so I’m going to try those thinking heels, maybe they can help me solve that Common Core math problem a few comments back.

Anyone know where I can get size 13 men’s pumps?

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