Archive | Technology RSS feed for this section

Allan Keyes Urges You To Shop Smart! Shop Keyes Mart!

2 Dec

December 2, 2013

thanksgiving header

Today is Cyber Monday. This follows Black Friday and Small Business Saturday, but precedes Empty Wallet Wednesday. In this final Thanksgiving Classic Repost, Allan Keyes has some ideas on how you should spend your money. And as a bonus, we get a brief Jokeclops appearance. TRIVIA: Jokeclops has not appeared in this blog since this column originally ran last year. Don’t worry. Unlike Mr. Know-It-All, Jokeclops will be back.

from September 3, 2012

            “Buy This Stuff! We Have Legal Bills!”

Just in time for Christmas, Chanukah, Kwanzaa and any other holiday we can cash in on, Mr. Blog’s Tepid Ride is proud to open the shopping section of our web site for our valued customers.

SPECIAL OFFERS!!!!

*FREE SHIPPING AVAILABLE!   (*customer must pay shipping surcharge)

*RUSH DELIVERY GUARANTEED!   (*rush orders guaranteed to ship within three months of payment)

*SPECIFY GIFT WRAP!   (*then go out and buy the wrapping paper you want)

*EASY RETURN POLICY!  (*we don’t accept any)


LITERARY CORNER:

Fresh from the remainder bins at Borders, Kill Whitey is Allen Keyes’ poignant memoir of growing up as an outsider in turbulent 1960’s Schenectady. From his time as founder of the Black Leopard Party, to his stints as henchman in various anarcho-activist groups, to his invention of LSD, Keyes lays bare his soul in this decades-spanning saga.  1,273 pages.  “Allen Keyes pulls no punches. If you want to read a 10-page long lovingly written description of Keyes bludgeoning various people with his signature lead-filled baseball bat, this one is for you. Highest recommendation!” – Christian Science Monitor Review of Books

 Now it can be told! Hollywood icon and abusive father Bing Crosby reveals his life-long “partnership” with his “good friend” Allen Keyes.  From their first meeting at Frank Sinatra’s bathhouse, to the falling out over Keyes advising Crosby to pass on “Singing in the Rain”, Crosby’s memoir is written in regretful, haunting prose.  272 pages, picture insert.  “The Crosby family hereby forbids you from promoting or selling this publication” —  Lawyer for the Crosby Estate

 

The State of New York vs Allen Keyes.  For the first time, the complete set of court transcripts detailing all of Keyes’ various battles with the law are unsealed! Previously unreleased materials include:  Juvenile offender hearing transcripts, suppressed testimony from the butler at the Brooke Astor trial, and the District Attorney’s personal rebuttal to the verdict from the nursing home inquiry. Order by Oct. 1 and received an autographed courtroom sketch! – “This guy…….he’s not my kind of guy”  — Hon. Rudolph Giuliani

 ON THE GO:

Mr.BTR ANALOG EDITION.   No time to read your favorite blog? Too broke to own a digital device or smartphone?  We got you covered! Take Fat Guy, Saturday Comics, Imponderables and the rest of your favorites along with you, anytime, anywhere!  Analog edition comes in monthly or yearly subscription plans.  Portability has never been so fun or useful!  Analog reader sold separately.

LIFESTYLE:

STYLISH BOOKENDS! OUR MOST POPULAR SELLER! Made from the highest quality Newark Lucite, these hip bookends make a statement about your quality of taste and décor. Nothing says understated and elegant like the fat guy! 6×5 in., 3lbs each. Made in China.  Also available in white frame.

GAME MART:

The #1 game in Monaco comes to the United States! Game modes include 1-player, 2-player and 17-player online experience. Rated C. Order by Oct. 1 and receive exclusive code to download the locked Hillbilly Cosplay  level!  Available for Xbox, PS3, Wii or Atari 2600.   “1 out of 10” —– EGM    “What the he—is this crap??” – Editor’s Pick, Xbox Magazine

FASHION CORNER:

ENDORSED BY SNOOKI!  Fashionable Mr.BTR t-shirts! Handcrafted from the finest Egyptian cotton and custom designed by our exclusive stable of artists, these T-shirts are sure to make you the envy of your friends, and THE fashion icon in your neighborhood. Available in a variety of styles.

Mr. Blog’s Picks of the Month:

Jokeclops brand cheap booze! For when you want to get your a$$ ripped!!!  500-proof. “That sh-t knocks me out!” – Lindsey Lohan

Just in time for Christmas! Keyes Kroons Kristmas Ksongs has all your favorite hits, including Kwhite Kristmas, and Kjingle Kbells! Also available as an iTunes download.–  “Timeless, a true American Classic” – Bono, U2

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Good Citizenship for the Holiday Season

29 Nov

November 29, 2013

from November 23, 2009

thanksgiving header

Some people have no sense of civic responsibility, or even goodwill to their fellow man. For example, I went to a high school downtown and had to take the train. I was a little late and was rushing out of the station when a woman in front of me twisted her ankle and fell. Almost no one even looked her way, let alone stopped to help her. I hope she was OK, I really couldn’t tell as I was almost a half block away when I thought to look back and see.

But that is just an exception, really. I do try to be helpful. I would think nothing of giving CPR to a man with a broken ankle or applying the Heimlich Maneuver to a drowning woman. I’d even try to shock back to life a guy in a car accident by connecting jumper cables from the car battery to his brain. Take it from me, a firm grasp of basic first aid is a necessity and can be easily gleaned from any cartoon or foreign cable TV show.

Of all the various methods of first aid, none can be handier than the Heimlich Maneuver.

To perform it, you get behind a choking victim, reach around their chest, and manually locate a certain point at the base of the rib cage and, using short quick thrusts, force your fist upward and inward to the victim, hopefully dislodging the food they are choking on.

stk63639cor

Locating a choking victim is easy. The person may be gasping for air and turning blue. Choking victims may be trying to violently dislodge the food themselves, often doing more harm than good. If you are properly trained in first aid and can competently perform the Heimlich Maneuver, you are ideally going to look for a busty woman because this is a great excuse to feel her up.

In fact, may medics, at the merest first cough, often zoom over to the table of an attractive young woman and attempt to perform first aid on the woman’s breasts.

Now that is good citizenship.

Other good citizenship tips for the Holiday Season:

  • After sitting on Santa’s lap, towel him off as you would the equipment at the gym.
  • After waiting hours in line for the department store to open early in the morning the day after Thanksgiving, do not leave your pee-filled Pepsi bottles sitting on the curb. Pour them down the sewer.
  • Remember that your fellow citizens may not be as fortunate as you. Therefore, try not to step on the homeless as you rush by.
  • When in doubt, leave the last seat on the subway for the pregnant woman. After all, she may be an undercover cop.
  • No one likes to receive fruit cake.

If we all follow some simple rules and exercise courtesy, we New Yorkers can all feel better. In the words of Mayor for Life Bloomberg, “People are worried about the unknown. They are worried about things that they are unwilling to invest some time in and learn about.” Wait; was that Mayor Bloomberg or Criswell Predicts? Ah, same thing.

So remember everyone, simple courtesy and citizenship can reap great dividends in the long run. In the short run, using the Heimlich Maneuver on a cute blonde can get you arrested.

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

← Older Entries
Newer Entries →