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Snappy Answers to Stupid Headlines, August 2014

3 Aug

August 3, 2014

Hello, Devoted Readers. I’m sure both of you will get a kick out of this. (I’m kidding, I’m kidding. I know for a fact that I have more than two devoted readers. My great aunt and her sewing circle call me every Sunday morning to complain.)

Journalism is certainly taking a beating in recent years, and frankly it deserves it. Take these actual headlines which appeared this weekend on newser.com. (Their motto: We’re the meh of the internet.)

bad timing

“‘Bad Timing’ Wiped Out Dinosaurs. Asteroid Hit At Just The Wrong Time, Researchers Say.”

So when is the right time for an asteroid to hit? Maybe if it had hit at night, when all the dinosaurs were safely tucked in bed, they would have made it. Or maybe it if had hit on a weekday when the dinosaurs were in school, they could have done the old duck and cover and hidden under their desks. Too bad the asteroid had to hit on a sunny  summertime Saturday afternoon when all the dinosaurs were at the beach, no shelter in sight.

cannibal

“Why Cannibalism Is Bad For Your Health”

I suppose it depends on whether you are the eater or the appetizer. Seriously, I can’t think of a situation where cannibalism would be good for your health.

ikea

“Woman Finds 80 Skeletons Crammed Into Ikea Bags. Gruesome Discovery Made in Swedish Church.”

I thought Ikea was a Swedish church. Whenever I buy something there, I pray it doesn’t fall apart.

But seriously, when the woman got home, she discovered that they were missing parts, two femurs and a metacarpal, plus she lost the little wrench Ikea uses to put everything together.

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Lying Awake with John Newly

24 Jul

July 24, 2014

Good morning everyone, it’s 3:05 in the am and you’re listening to Lying Awake with John Newly on 463 AM WKAT The Kat. I’m John Newly and coming up this hour, I’ll be talking to Dr. Roger Steadman about his new book, The Undersea Reptoid Kingdom, all about the intelligent inhabitants of the world’s hidden ocean cities, this ought to be good. But first I’ll be taking your phone calls at 1-800-467-WKAT right after these messages.

Commercial airs for a conspiracy theory DVD- Did Kennedy Kill the Dinosaurs?

Promo airs for WKAT morning show, Wake Up With Julia.

And we’re back! I’m John Newly and Mickey from Atlanta Georgia, you’re up first on Lying Awake.

-Hello?

Hello Mickey, what’s on your mind?

-Um yeah, I want to talk to John Newly?

I’m John, go ahead.

-Oh, uh, wow, yeah, hi. My name is Mickey and I’m calling from Atlanta, in the South.

What do you want to talk about Mickey?

-Uh, I’m kind of nervous, (nervous laughter). I’ve never been on the radio before.

That’s OK Mickey, but you’re running out of time.

-Oh, sorry, well, last week, me and my friend Neil and me, we saw a UFO over my house. It was like, really big.

What did it look like?

-It was really big and had lights on it, and we both watched it and I said to Neil that maybe he should call his sister, she’s a cop, but Neil said that he didn’t have his phone. I didn’t have mine either I left it inside by the pizza or I would have gotten pictures.

Wow, so how long did you watch this UFO? What did it do?

-We watched it for awhile, then it just flew over the house and I didn’t see where it was going because it was behind the house.

That’s amazing. Thanks Mickey. Let’s go to our next caller, Dan, on our international line. Dan, where are you calling from?

-I’m calling from an island, that’s all I want to say, I don’t like to reveal too much.

Fair enough Dan. These days you can’t be too careful.

-Yeah, this guest you have on later, about the reptoids? Make sure you ask him if Obama is a reptoid, he’s kinda got those reptoid features, you know?

I’ve heard those rumors too Dan. That sure would be something. It’s 3:16 in the am on 463 AM WKAT The Kat and we’ll be back with more of your calls after this.

tin-foil-hat-3

 

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