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The Celebrity Apprentice 2012: Now Featuring Celebrities

25 Jan

Januray 25, 2012

OK, time to eat just a little crow. I have always blasted this show for scrapping the bottom of the celebrity barrel. However, this time they have a few real, legit celebrities. Sure, there are still some models on the show only for their boobs but there are some real deal celebs on the list this time around. In fact, a couple of them are still big enough to not need this show. Seriously, what is Penn Jillette doing here?

GEORGE TAKEI

Sulu today.

It is too easy to dismiss him as Sulu. In fact, were this a few years ago I’d have run a 40 year-old shot him on the Enterprise and called it a day. But not now. He’s reinvented himself as, of all things, George Takei. He’s all over the internet and he’s become something of a voice for the gay community. And of course he is the face of SocialSecurity.gov

TIA CARRERE

Relic Hunter! Remember that show? I LOVED THAT SHOW! Seriously, I did. I’m rooting for her. And that picture has nothing to do with it. Doesn’t hurt though.

CLAY AIKEN

Insert your own funny caption here.

Oh my, as George Takei would say (and on the show I guarantee he will.) Where to start? I should say where to start that won’t get me in trouble? Clay Aiken isn’t a has-been, he’s a never-was. After he won American Idol everyone expected big things from him and- what? He didn’t win American Idol? Ruben Studdard won? OK, Ruben Studdard may have done as little as Clay Aiken but at least he hasn’t embarrassed himself. I think you can take it from here.

MICHAEL ANDRETTI

I’m sure he’ll bring a lot to the show, like the ability to drive fast and, um, drive fast. Somebody tell him this isn’t Top Gear. Oh well, if Celebrity Apprentice doesn’t work out he can always become the wheel-man for a gang of jewel thieves. Really, who better to drive a getaway car?

LISA LAMPANELLI

I'm pretty sure that's her on the right.

You might have seen her on the Comedy Central celebrity roasts and probably nowhere else. She is usually the target of some of the dirtiest and foulest jokes I’ve ever heard but to be fair she is kind of funny herself. Here are some of her jokes:

Betty White is so old that on her first game show ever, the grand prize was fire

… he was a very nice guy, very supportive, like Oprah’s husband … Gayle

OK, I only managed to find two funny ones.

DAYANA MENDOZA
PATRICIA VELASQUEZ

Nuff said.

ADAM CAROLLA

My usual line whenever one of these “celebrity” shows has an untalented radio guy is “Baba Booey was unavailable” but not this time. Adam Carolla is unfunny and annoying. His voice is grating and he is uncomfortable to look at. I hope he is the first one fired.

ARSENIO HALL

Arsenio hasn’t worked much lately, has he?

TERESA GUIDICE

One or another of those Real Housewives who were never real housewives. Don’t know her but I expect her to be a total bitch. Why else have her on the show?

LOU FERRIGNO

Ok, let’s get it out of our systems; he’s the Hulk! HULK SMASH CELEBRITY APPRENTICE! RIP WIG OFF PUNY TRUMP’S HEAD! Ah, feels good. But seriously, he overcame partial deafness and became a champion weight-lifter and a successful actor. OK, playing The Hulk may not be a stretch but he also played himself on The King of Queens which, well yeah, OK, may not have been much of a stretch either. But he’s a good guy and I’m rooting for him. Don’t expect him to win though.

VICTORIA GOTTI

You’d think it would be enough being John Gotti’s daughter. Not for her. Not only is she the lowlife loudmouth daughter of a Mafia don, she has her own lowlife loudmouth reality show. Along with Snookie, she makes me ashamed to be Italian, which is a truly major accomplishment because I am not Italian.

CHERL TIEGS

From wikipedia: She is best known for her long-running affiliation with the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue, which featured her on the cover in 1970, 1975, and 1983. The 1978 poster of her in a pink bikini became an iconic 1970s pop culture image.

That tells me she should have been on this show thirty years ago.

AUBREY O’DAY

If you can tear your eyes away, look at the goof on the right.

She’s one of those people I know only because there are a lot of pictures of her looking hot on the internet. She was a member of the reality-show pop-group Dannity Kane which I know primarily as something I laugh at. She’s done some reality shows and is as far off my radar as a hot blonde can be.

DEBBIE GIBSON

Remember when she sang “I Think We’re Alone Now”? It was all downhill from there, unless you count her roles in SyFy Channel epics like Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus and Mega Python vs. Gatoroid. (I was rooting for the Gatoroid.)

DEE SNYDER

He does not need this show. Twisted Sister does well enough without this show. Why is he here? He must have liked it when he guested last season. I only hope he wears his makeup to the boardroom.

PENN JILLETTEThis man is smart. Too smart to be on this show but you know what? He says he has wanted to be on this show for years. I expect he’s using this show just for material. HE is much more than a magician but you can read about when I attended his Vegas show right here.

PAUL TEUTUL SR.

He’s loud. He screams. He abuses his son. He takes credit for other people’s work. He lets Monkey Boy kiss his ass. I LOVE THIS MAN! This is why I will watch every episode of this show and if he gets fired early I will NOT be happy. Paul Teutul Sr. is the reason I will recap this show every single week. Period.

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A New York Minute (12)

23 Jan

January 23, 2012

This is your New York Minute. Number 12 in a series, collect them all.

We’re going to continue our river tour of New York City by going up the East River, which separates Manhattan and Brooklyn, and anchor right under the Brooklyn Bridge. Today I’ll give you a few of the lesser known but more interesting facts about what may be America’s most famous bridge.

The opening of the bridge was officiated by not one but two incumbent New York Mayors. Brooklyn was an independent city when the bridge, which was originally called the New York and Brooklyn Bridge, opened in 1883 and wouldn’t consolidate with New York until 1898. The Mayors of both Brooklyn and New York, as well as President Chester A. Arthur, met in the center of the span.

The bridge took 13 years to build but it took only one week to inspire a panic. The bridge was designed with a long pedestrian path above the roadway and one day, as hundreds of people were walking across, a rumor, totally unfounded, spread that the bridge was about to collapse. People panicked, a stampede started, and when all was said and done, at least a dozen people were crushed and killed. Compare that to the great blackout of 2003 and the terror attacks of September 11th 2001. On both occasions, thousands upon thousands of people flooded across the bridge jammed almost shoulder to shoulder. There were no panics and no deaths on the bridge. I was lucky enough to be close to home, but my brother made that journey both times.

But back in 1883 people were afraid to cross the bridge. PT Barnum, showman, circus owner, and utterly shameless self-promoter, paraded 21 of his elephants across the bridge. The bridge was shown to be safe, and Barnum got a ton of free publicity. Leading the parade was Jumbo, and when he died his skeleton went back to New York as property of the American Museum of Natural History. And yes, that elephant’s name, which was a variation of a Swahili word, is where our word jumbo began.

The expression “taking a Brodie,” meaning a suicide jump, began on the Brooklyn Bridge. Steve Brodie, in 1886, may or may not have jumped from the Brooklyn Bridge. He wasn’t trying to kill himself; he just wanted to be famous and bragged about his upcoming jump. He even practiced by jumping from some smaller bridges. It is open to doubt if he ever actually jumped. The New York Times, which covered the event, claimed that he did, but other sources say that, even in 1886, it was a pretty open secret that an accomplice tossed a dummy off the bridge and Brodie simply hopped into the water off a boat so the captain could claim to rescue him. True or not, it didn’t stop him from opening a couple of successful saloons and starting a fairly successful vaudeville and movie career.

Selling the Brooklyn Bridge has also come into popular culture, as in the saying “if you believe that, I have a bridge to sell you.” In the early part of the 20th Century, George C. Parker did just that. In fact he did it twice a week, every week for years. He’d convince a gullible tourist of the value of controlling the major link between the boroughs and managed to make a nice living. Of course, he didn’t stop at just the bridge. The Statue of Liberty and pretty much every other major landmark was sold at one point or another. He had a large office and impressive looking- but fake- documents and was so successful that from time to time the police had to kick the “new owners” off the bridge and take down the toll booths they had built.

The Brooklyn Bridge undoubtedly still has some secrets left in her. In 2006, city workers discovered a forgotten Cold War era bunker built into the base of one of the Manhattan side supports. It contained supplies to survive a Soviet nuclear attack, including 352,000 cookies still sealed in their original tin cans.


If you want to know more about Steve Brody and his jump, go to one of my favorite, and most reliable sources, Bugs Bunny. Surf over YouTube and search for the 1949 cartoon Bowery Bugs. It’s all about Steve Brody’s jump and the part Bugs Bunny’s played in it. Or just stick around to the end of this post.

Next week we’ll be crossing over the bridge and heading into Manhattan.

This has been your New York Minute.

 

An audio version of this legend recently appeared in the amazing FlashPulp website. Check them out for awesomeness and goodies!

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