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The Blog That Was A Decade In The Making! Part 9

9 Nov

November 9, 2011

For this final installment, while avoiding names as always, I just want to give a short overview of some of the teachers I worked with in my department at Horror High over the years.

You may recognize some of them from your own life.

There was the incompetent young guy who had no control over his class, didn’t care,  and only kept his job because the Principal left before he could fire him.

There was the computer coordinator who would only do anything for me if I pulled rank by submitting requests in writing on official letterhead with my name and title right below the Principal’s.

There was the English teacher who was a good guy and a good teacher but was happiest when he left the classroom and became the school librarian.

There was the young female teacher who only got her plum assignments because she sat on the Principal’s lap.

There was the pushy widow who had to be the boss of everything.

There was the young and attractive teacher who unfortunately carried some of her personal problems into the classroom.

There was the young female teacher who was a great person but was too sensitive and needed to toughen up.

There was the tough teacher who eventually became a Dean and later AP of security.

There was the old woman who was near retirement but should have left years ago.

There was the old woman who was near retirement but we desperately needed her to stay. She was good.

There was the a-hole male teacher who did as little work as possible during Regents week

There was the hippie girl who every student liked because she was as bad as they were.

There was the musician who everyone liked. He also slept in a locked room in the school until he was found out.

There was the overbearing teacher who was always loud, everywhere.

There was the really good teacher (and my first friend in the building) who left when she became pregnant and never returned.

There was the good, young teacher who left (and left a void in the department) when she got married and eventually moved out of state. We needed her.

There was the Assistant Principal’s sister.

There was the guy who was involved in the union only so he could have a couple of periods free of teaching.

There was the Social Studies teacher who was teaching out of license in the English Department but had to be kept in the department because she fit a certain demographic.

There were others who came and went, not staying long, not making an impression.

And then there was me.

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A New York Legend (3)

7 Nov

November 7, 2011

No, I don't know her

If you listen to conventional wisdom, and shame on you, the sewers of New York are in habited by alligators. And not just regular alligators, but a race of blind mutant albino alligators. Why not?

So being a lover of all things dark and mysterious, I put on my Carl Kolchak hat and set out to discover the truth. My first stop was the sewer. Sorry, I mean the internet. Same thing.

Stories of sewer gators go back to at least 1927 and no less a source than the venerable (meaning way past its prime) New York Times published stories of killer reptiles roaming the sewer tunnels all throughout the years.

The story goes that “years ago”- and you can’t see it but I was using air quotes- note to self- video blog- “years ago” a family returned from a vacation in Florida with a little more than they left with, a baby alligator. Really, you can’t get a better pet for your young child than an alligator, right? They only grow to like 12 feet. So time passed, as time often does in this dimension, and the alligator grew and grew and at some point the family must have realized that a small New York apartment is no place for a large apex predator. Obviously this story doesn’t take place in the Bronx.

Anyway, the poor little guy, meaning the alligator, not the child, ended up flushed down the toilet, no better than a dead goldfish or your car keys at the hands of a two-year old. Now before you start yelling “animal cruelty,” put yourself in the alligator’s shoes. So to speak. Lots of water to lurk in, dark, plenty of food- like rats, CHUDs, the occasional sewer worker- and did I say rats? Lots and lots of rats. I have to figure that if there was really a race of mutant alligators in the sewers there would be a lot less rats.

And that’s the point. According to snopes.com, it is totally false. No alligators live in the New York sewers. But hasn’t stopped several city-funded expeditions over the years. From time to time city officials have sent teams of men into the sewers to capture or kill the non-existent reptiles. Think about it. Loads of underpaid city workers wandering the sewers with high-powered rifles blundering around in the dark hunting invisible prey. If that isn’t a metaphor for New York City politics I don’t know what is.

And speaking of sewers, wikipedia (their motto: We Am Accurate) says that the New York sewer system stretches over 6,600 miles. It also says that New York has anywhere from 8 to 32 million rats. Those alligators don’t stand a chance.

This has been your New York Minute, and that’s one to grow on.

An audio version of this legend first appeared just last week in the amazing FlashPulp website. Check them out for awesomeness and goodies!

You can find the previous New York Legends here (The Invisible Bridge) and here (The Giant Turntable).

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