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The Saturday Comics: Shazam! Family Oddities

16 Mar

March 16, 2013

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Whoa! Captain Marvel sure let himself go!

Today, DC’s Captain Marvel, better known these days as Shazam, is a second-tier hero at best. It wasn’t always that way. In its prime, Captain Marvel, published by Fawcett, outsold everyone, including Superman. Hie title regularly sold over one million copies each month. That’s right, one million, and well over. Today if a title sells a third of that it is a smash success, and most comics don’t break 20,000.

Despite outselling Superman, it was Superman that stopped Captain Marvel’s reign. DC successfully sued Fawcett (and many others) claiming that Captain Marvel was a Superman ripoff and tread on their trademarks and copyrights. A judge agreed, and not only did Fawcett stop publishing Captain Marvel, DC acquired the rights a few years later. For obvious reasons, although they kept Captain Marvel as the character’s name, the title of his book became Shazam!, or a variation thereof, like The Power of Shazam!

Of course, no character carries a book on his own. It takes a cast of well-rounded characters and great villans. Where would Batman be without Robin, Commissioner Gordon, and the Joker? And Batman’s cast of rogues is on par only with Spider-Man and The Flash, two other rather successful titles.

So who did Captain Marvel have? A pair of younger heroes, Mary Marvel and Captain Marvel Junior.And great enemies like Dr. Sivana and Mr. Mind, a giant worm whom DC used as the basis of a big company-wide crossover not long ago.  Quick aside- Elvis claimed his pompadour and jumpsuits were inspired by Captain Marvel Junior.

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One of the things that made Shazam stick out was the fact that the title was not always serious, and the Captain Marvel universe plenty of room for sillier characters, like Tawky Tawny, an intelligent tiger who walks upright and dresses in human suits.

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From the ever-lovable wikipedia, whose veracity as about as good as your average North Korean dictator:

Tawky Tawny started out as a normal tiger living in the jungles of India. When his mother was killed, he was raised by the son of a missionary. When the tiger had grown to full size, he was accused of killing someone. To prove his innocence, the village hermit gave the tiger a serum that not only gave him the ability to speak, but allowed him to stand upright like a human. Upon hearing about the city years later, Tawny decided to travel to North America and live there. He snuck onto a boat bound for Fawcett City. He tried to fit in, but as a full-grown tiger, inadvertently caused a panic, which drew the attention of Captain Marvel. After the two talked, Captain Marvel realized that Tawny was a peaceful and reasonable person who did not mean to cause any trouble, and got him a job as a museum curator at the local museum.

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For my money, even better than Tawky Tawny was Uncle Marvel, a fat old man with zero powers who nevertheless squeezed into a Captain Marvel suit and ran into danger with them. The other Marvels, knowing he had no powers, humored him while keeping him out of trouble.

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An old, rotund man named Dudley, Uncle Marvel did not have any real superpowers. He found Mary Batson’s good deed ledger which she kept to record her good deeds but had dropped and read it, learning her secret. Claiming to be the uncle of Mary Batson, Mary Marvel’s teenage alter-ego, from California, Dudley attempted to con his way into the Marvel Family. The Marvels, possessing the wisdom of Solomon, saw through Dudley’s machinations, but since he was, in their opinion, such a “lovable old fraud”, they allowed Dudley to join the team as their manager, Uncle Marvel, and humored his pretense of having Marvel powers. When asked to make use of his supposed superpowers, Dudley would always complain that his “shazambago” was acting up and was interfering with his powers, though the Marvels always knew better.

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A live-action Shazam! television series, which aired on CBS Saturday mornings from 1975 to 1978, featured Captain Marvel and his young alter-ego Billy Batson, accompanied by an old man known as “Mentor”. The Mentor character was loosely based upon Uncle Marvel, who in concurrent 1970s issues of the Shazam! comic book began sporting a mustache to resemble Les Tremayne, the actor who appeared as “Mentor” on the Shazam! TV show.

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Today, DC keeps trying to do something, anything, to make Shazam popular but seems to strike out at every turn. Once the world’s best-selling hero, he is barely more than a historical footnote now.

Shame on You!

14 Mar

March 14, 2013

It was late last night. I wasn’t feeling very good. I was confused about some things and needed guidance. Finding no one near, I turned to the one who will always be there in times of trouble. I spoke to my personal friend and savior, Jesus.

No, god no, not Jesus Christ. I’m talking about Jesus Salvador, the guy who runs the little bodega on 18th avenue. He’s open late and I felt like some potato chips and a cherry coke. We were just tossing the bull when a couple of female behemoths trundled in. (Behemothettes?) They were probably only about 16 but they were already twice as big as me. (That would be three times as big as an average man.) In fact, they were probably about only 50% smaller than an average moose. Ever force yourself to sit through Grease? You know, the prequel to the amazing Grease 2, starring Adrien Zmed? Then you know the queasy feeling I got in the pit of my stomach. It wasn’t so much their size as their dress. They wore tight jeans that stopped well short of their waists (such as they were.) In the front their bellies hung over their pants. In the back was a lot of ass crack. Their tops ended a good foot before their pants began so we saw a lot of belly button hair too. They had no shame.

You should thank me for not posting this full size.

You should thank me for not posting this full size.

In fact NO ONE has any shame anymore. Take the following episode of The People’s Court, which aired today. (BTW- I used to think that Judge Marilyn Milan was attractive until I saw her in HDTV. My god is that woman haggard! She went from MILF to ZILCH in about two seconds.  HDTV is not the worn out woman’s friend.)

Here’s the description: A night of boozing leads to a wet bed, ruined mattress, and destroyed friendship.

Here’s what happened: Two middle-aged moms went out drinking and got wasted. They went back to one mom’s home and passed out, naked, in bed together. When they awoke there was a wet stain on the mattress and the strong smell of urine. The other mom’s defense? She was taking muscle relaxers and they must have affected her bladder. However, it was no problem because the other woman raised four kids on that mattress and it was full of urine stains.

Read that again before you read the next paragraph. Get all that testimony right in the forefront of your mind.

Now continue.

The woman with the stained bed brought her eleven year-old daughter with her to court to hear all of this testimony. 

I SWEAR I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP! THIS IS FOR REAL! (Thank you, Jesus, for great TV! [Jesus Christ this time, not Salvador from the bodega.])

The testimony got even better. It seems that one woman was, to use her words, “groping” her friend’s boss to make her boyfriend jealous. This led to a testy debate with the judge about whether “groping” was any better than “making out.” As the testimony went on, we heard about many more times that the weak bladder woman ruined beds, and testimony that her boyfriend works late and “he wets the bed all the time.”

The judge, showing the only moment of sanity from anyone in this case, sent the eleven year old daughter out of the courtroom and screamed at the mother for bringing her. “But your honor,” the mother said, “everything I say is true. She can hear the truth.” Well I say SHE CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH! (YES! I finally got to say that!)

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She can’t take any more of this either.

See what I mean about shame? Shouldn’t these people be ashamed to be on TV? They had a choice. They could have said no, but people will be on TV for anything! Filming a reality show where whoever wears dirty diapers the longest wins a wind chime? They’ll line up around the block. A contest where women squat in barrels and have insects dumped on them? Opie and Anthony did it years ago. And what did the woman win? NOTHING! They got to be on the radio.

If more people had some shame then not only would this be a better world, but maybe I could get some more potato chips before the behemoths buy them all from Jesus.