Tag Archives: Grease 2

Shame on You!

14 Mar

March 14, 2013

It was late last night. I wasn’t feeling very good. I was confused about some things and needed guidance. Finding no one near, I turned to the one who will always be there in times of trouble. I spoke to my personal friend and savior, Jesus.

No, god no, not Jesus Christ. I’m talking about Jesus Salvador, the guy who runs the little bodega on 18th avenue. He’s open late and I felt like some potato chips and a cherry coke. We were just tossing the bull when a couple of female behemoths trundled in. (Behemothettes?) They were probably only about 16 but they were already twice as big as me. (That would be three times as big as an average man.) In fact, they were probably about only 50% smaller than an average moose. Ever force yourself to sit through Grease? You know, the prequel to the amazing Grease 2, starring Adrien Zmed? Then you know the queasy feeling I got in the pit of my stomach. It wasn’t so much their size as their dress. They wore tight jeans that stopped well short of their waists (such as they were.) In the front their bellies hung over their pants. In the back was a lot of ass crack. Their tops ended a good foot before their pants began so we saw a lot of belly button hair too. They had no shame.

You should thank me for not posting this full size.

You should thank me for not posting this full size.

In fact NO ONE has any shame anymore. Take the following episode of The People’s Court, which aired today. (BTW- I used to think that Judge Marilyn Milan was attractive until I saw her in HDTV. My god is that woman haggard! She went from MILF to ZILCH in about two seconds.  HDTV is not the worn out woman’s friend.)

Here’s the description: A night of boozing leads to a wet bed, ruined mattress, and destroyed friendship.

Here’s what happened: Two middle-aged moms went out drinking and got wasted. They went back to one mom’s home and passed out, naked, in bed together. When they awoke there was a wet stain on the mattress and the strong smell of urine. The other mom’s defense? She was taking muscle relaxers and they must have affected her bladder. However, it was no problem because the other woman raised four kids on that mattress and it was full of urine stains.

Read that again before you read the next paragraph. Get all that testimony right in the forefront of your mind.

Now continue.

The woman with the stained bed brought her eleven year-old daughter with her to court to hear all of this testimony. 

I SWEAR I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP! THIS IS FOR REAL! (Thank you, Jesus, for great TV! [Jesus Christ this time, not Salvador from the bodega.])

The testimony got even better. It seems that one woman was, to use her words, “groping” her friend’s boss to make her boyfriend jealous. This led to a testy debate with the judge about whether “groping” was any better than “making out.” As the testimony went on, we heard about many more times that the weak bladder woman ruined beds, and testimony that her boyfriend works late and “he wets the bed all the time.”

The judge, showing the only moment of sanity from anyone in this case, sent the eleven year old daughter out of the courtroom and screamed at the mother for bringing her. “But your honor,” the mother said, “everything I say is true. She can hear the truth.” Well I say SHE CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH! (YES! I finally got to say that!)

court-062110

She can’t take any more of this either.

See what I mean about shame? Shouldn’t these people be ashamed to be on TV? They had a choice. They could have said no, but people will be on TV for anything! Filming a reality show where whoever wears dirty diapers the longest wins a wind chime? They’ll line up around the block. A contest where women squat in barrels and have insects dumped on them? Opie and Anthony did it years ago. And what did the woman win? NOTHING! They got to be on the radio.

If more people had some shame then not only would this be a better world, but maybe I could get some more potato chips before the behemoths buy them all from Jesus.

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Thought I didn’t like Grease? Here’s Grease 2. (And Bonus Fat Chicks!)

13 Nov

from September 1, 2007

People say I don’t rant enough. Well screw that! I’m gonna rant baby, and about some serious nonsense too!

I was watching TV the other day and they had some real crap on. Not the usual crap- extremely crappy crap. Thanks VH1! Go to Hell. Anyway, I’d read some review somewhere online somewhere of Grease and thought I’d watch it since A- It was on and B- I wanted to do something nasty to punish myself for having the god-awful bad sense to be a teacher. Well, it wasn’t Grease. It was Grease 2. Two! Grease frickin’ 2! Who the fuck thought it would be a good idea to make a Grease 2? Did Europe have a Bubonic Plaque 2? Did Princess Di have a second bad night in that French tunnel?

OK, I get it, the first one made money so they had to make a second. Like Battlestar Galactica became a worldwide hit (I’m bullshitting here- it was cancelled after like one season.) so they followed it with Galactica 1980 and it starred Lorne Green, an annoying brainy kid, and a couple of dicks who kind of sort of act like Starbuck and Apollo but weren’t Starbuck and Apollo. At least Johnny Bravo fit the suit! Where were the Cylons? They did the show without the freakin’ bad guys! They didn’t even have the damn robot dog! Who watched that show besides me? I got two words for you- Space Scouts. If you watched that show you know what I’m talking about . That show wasn’t just bad, it was a painful Ass-Hell show.

But Grease 2 (screw it- do your own underlining. And I ain’t gonna bother with no good grammar neither!) was worse. They took all of the background and minor characters and brought them back. They brought back the same sets. They even brought back the same plot! What they didn’t do was bring back the stars. Believe it or not, they cast a cast (yeah, cast a cast) of people even less talented than the original actors. I know what you’re thinking- “BULLSHIT! It’s impossible to cast a less talented actor than John Travolta. I saw Battlefield Earth!” But they did. Leading the cast is Adrian Zmed (snicker snicker ha ha!) “Zmed.” That’s one of those female things, right? Like a woman goes to the gynecologist for a pap smear and a zmed exam?

Here are the selected highlights of Mr. “Zmed’s” career from imdb.com:

-Shira-The Vampire Samurai

-Honey I Shrunk The Kids: The TV Show

-Little Insects, as the voice of “Sir Sneekleberry”

and 72 episodes of TJ Hooker, which I will claim to my dying breath is William Shatner at his finest.

Then there is some lummox named “Maxwell Caulfield.” I put that in quotes because I’m sure that’s an assumed name. How am I so sure, I just think so. Get it? I “assumed” it’s an “assumed” name. (Don’t like that joke? Tough. Like you’re paying for this?)

Here are some selected highlights of this jerk’s imdb:

–

That’s not a mistake- Grease 2 is, by far, the biggest highlight of his career. And it was his first credit! This dick sank even lower than Grease 2!

Genuine decent actress Michelle Puh-Fieffer is there. (Not that she’s any good here. This film would turn Anthony Quinn into Carrot Top.) I’m pretty split about her. She’s either pretty hot or pretty skanky depending on my mood. But then I remember that she did shit like this and I’m totally turned off her again.

The plot is- look, if you saw the first film you saw this one, but with two exceptions:

1- The songs are far, far worse.

2- The producers were geniuses! GENIUSES! DAMN RIGHT I’M PUTTING THIS IN CAPS! Get this- they gave the Danny part to the girl, and gave the Sandy part to the guy. Yes! They reversed the genders! WOW! (Damn, they should have done this in drag! It would have been even worse!)

As far as sequels go this is better than World War Two, but not as good as The Revenge of the Sith.

Damn, I love writing reviews where I didn’t actually watch the movie. After the opening credits I started to flip around the channels and found blog-worthy paydirt on BCAT- Brooklyn Community Access Television- AKA- “we’ll show anything.” This is a channel where anything gets on the air if you can pay the fee. Got a low-res jpeg of your dog? They’ll show it. Most of the shows are done by either

1- jerks who think they’re funny and rope in friends and family to film them doing “funny” things,

2- jerks who think they are smart and rope in friends and family to film them calling Bush a “dwad,” or

3- jerks who take their video cameras into clubs and mack on women.

DISCLAIMER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am going to be using very offensive terms to describe women. Now bear in mind I am referring to certain very specific women, all of whom are, and here I am being very very truthful, all of whom are over 450 pounds. Reread that again right here- over 450 pounds. So any of the stuff I say is directed solely at them and their big fat asses, not at all directed to any of the women on my friends list, all of whom are very slim, attractive, and sexy. You ladies know I love you, to quote Keith Hernandez.

Goddesses is a show by, for, and about extremely obese women. The purpose of the show is to show that big huge tractor-like women can be hot too. Let me clue them in- no they can’t! They have so much hanging flesh under their arms that they can trim it off and create a whole new person. They are all sweating badly under the studio lights. They all have eight or nine chins. They are big slobs! And I’m just talking about the parts that can fit in frame.

(And before you point it out- yes, I am overweight. But these women would be overweight if they were, say, a platoon of tanks.)

This show I saw had the “Goddesses” going to a club (that they rented) to have a fashion show (of clothes they designed) and dance with men (that they already knew.) Fine. No problem. Let them have fun. Let them delude themselves. I don’t care. If it makes them feel good to crowd 8 of them into a room with a capacity of 150, fine.

None of that was bad, really. None of that was a problem. None of that mattered to me.

Until.

The.

Wet.

T.

Shirt.

Contest.

THEY HAD A FRIGGING WET T-SHIRT CONTEST. THEY WALKED OUT ON  THE DANCE FLOOR IN THIN WHITE T-SHIRTS AND THE GUYS DRENCHED THEM WITH WATER. It was at this point that I went blind. Remember the part in Return of The Jedi where Jabba the Hutt had some girls dancing for him? One of the girls was big and fat and had eight breasts. The first girl looked like Both Jabba and the girl, stuffed in the same shirt. AND THEY THOUGHT THIS WAS SEXY!

It was not.

And the guys acted like this was a Girls Gone Wild video. Who are these guys? No, no, I really don’t want to know who would sell their soul to the devil and have to act like this turns them on and really have to go home and have sex with these house-like females. Some things should remain unknown.

This was train-wreck TV at its best/worst. You know it is awful. You know that it might harm you. But you can’t look away.

Still, it was better than Grease 2.

So I bet you’re wondering how much of this show I watched? Did I watch it all? Tape it and replay it? Do I secretly watch this in the wee hours of the morning? Christ, what is wrong with you people? I saw nearly 9 whole minutes of this before I ran through the channels again and finally settled on Spongebob Squarepants. Then I blocked the channel for good.

So to wrap this up, if you are ever up in the middle of the night and have to choose between watching Grease 2 or Goddesses, stick with Grease 2. This is the only possible scenario in which I would ever recommend Grease 2. Grease 2 may make you want to take your own life, but Goddesses may actually kill you.

Serious and thoughtful feedback is welcomed and encouraged.

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