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Am I Not Hip Too, Flo Rida?

19 Mar

March 19, 2013

I said a hip hop the hippie the hippie
to the hip hip hop, a you dont stop
the rock it to the bang bang boogie
say up jumped the boogie
to the rhythm of the boogie, the beat

– The Sugar Hill Gang, Rapper’s Delight

Huh?

Is it any surprise that I am not a big fan of rap and hip hop? Frankly, once Snoop Dogg changed his name to Snoop Lion I just got lost. If Snoop Dogg could change his name, where would it stop? Would the President become Barack Lion?  It was so confusing. Snoop’s name was dumb to begin with, now it is just stupid. Hey Snoop! Lay off the pot.

But rap and hip hop are full of lousy names. Yesterday, Allan Keyes introduced you to Li’l Poopy. SERIOUSLY? Is that any better than MC Pee Pants? At least Mr. Pants is a cartoon character. Li’l Poopy is about to be the centerpiece of a child welfare case.


Ok, so I’m not on the tip of the hip hop cutting edge, if you know what I mean, and based on that mixed metaphor you may not. All this brings me to Tramar Lacel Dillard. Who? You may know him better by his nom-de-dumb, Flo Rida.

If I were a rapper I’d pick MC Fred Mertz before that. Seriously, I don’t care if it is some play on “flow rider,” which isn’t so hot to begin with, the guy is from Florida so he calls himself Flo Rida and that is just silly.

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But I am not one to let a good thing go by. (Well I am, which is why I am not rich at all, but hey, maybe one of these is going to get me there.)  (Nah.)

So I, with nothing but time on my hands and no life, went through all 50 states and from that culled a list of Flo Rida-style names, which I’ve sorted into three categories: Mundane, lame, and Hip Hop Tastic! Some of the names just didn’t work- what do you do with Hawaii? Here is the best of the rest.

Mundane Chart
LAME Chart

 

hip hop chart
It doesn’t stop at lame rap names either. I am not a fan of the NCAA. DO NOT make the typo that I once did and write “I am not a fan of the NAACP.” Trust me, it didn’t go well. But I am talking about college basketball. I already hate pro basketball (if a game ends 120 to 116, was it really necessary to play 4 quarters? This game could have been decided in 10 minutes) so why would I ever watch college? But to get back to my point, I am a college graduate. Granted, I graduated from the Earl Scheib School of “I’ll paint any car for just $99.95,” but even I know there is no such state as Golden State or Gonzaga State. Seriously, what’s up with that?

I’d like to leave you with one of my favorite rap songs, from a rapper with a great rap name and who might have a mild brain disorder. I present, Bismark!  Biz Markie!

 

The Saturday Comics: Shazam! Family Oddities

16 Mar

March 16, 2013

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Whoa! Captain Marvel sure let himself go!

Today, DC’s Captain Marvel, better known these days as Shazam, is a second-tier hero at best. It wasn’t always that way. In its prime, Captain Marvel, published by Fawcett, outsold everyone, including Superman. Hie title regularly sold over one million copies each month. That’s right, one million, and well over. Today if a title sells a third of that it is a smash success, and most comics don’t break 20,000.

Despite outselling Superman, it was Superman that stopped Captain Marvel’s reign. DC successfully sued Fawcett (and many others) claiming that Captain Marvel was a Superman ripoff and tread on their trademarks and copyrights. A judge agreed, and not only did Fawcett stop publishing Captain Marvel, DC acquired the rights a few years later. For obvious reasons, although they kept Captain Marvel as the character’s name, the title of his book became Shazam!, or a variation thereof, like The Power of Shazam!

Of course, no character carries a book on his own. It takes a cast of well-rounded characters and great villans. Where would Batman be without Robin, Commissioner Gordon, and the Joker? And Batman’s cast of rogues is on par only with Spider-Man and The Flash, two other rather successful titles.

So who did Captain Marvel have? A pair of younger heroes, Mary Marvel and Captain Marvel Junior.And great enemies like Dr. Sivana and Mr. Mind, a giant worm whom DC used as the basis of a big company-wide crossover not long ago.  Quick aside- Elvis claimed his pompadour and jumpsuits were inspired by Captain Marvel Junior.

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One of the things that made Shazam stick out was the fact that the title was not always serious, and the Captain Marvel universe plenty of room for sillier characters, like Tawky Tawny, an intelligent tiger who walks upright and dresses in human suits.

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From the ever-lovable wikipedia, whose veracity as about as good as your average North Korean dictator:

Tawky Tawny started out as a normal tiger living in the jungles of India. When his mother was killed, he was raised by the son of a missionary. When the tiger had grown to full size, he was accused of killing someone. To prove his innocence, the village hermit gave the tiger a serum that not only gave him the ability to speak, but allowed him to stand upright like a human. Upon hearing about the city years later, Tawny decided to travel to North America and live there. He snuck onto a boat bound for Fawcett City. He tried to fit in, but as a full-grown tiger, inadvertently caused a panic, which drew the attention of Captain Marvel. After the two talked, Captain Marvel realized that Tawny was a peaceful and reasonable person who did not mean to cause any trouble, and got him a job as a museum curator at the local museum.

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For my money, even better than Tawky Tawny was Uncle Marvel, a fat old man with zero powers who nevertheless squeezed into a Captain Marvel suit and ran into danger with them. The other Marvels, knowing he had no powers, humored him while keeping him out of trouble.

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An old, rotund man named Dudley, Uncle Marvel did not have any real superpowers. He found Mary Batson’s good deed ledger which she kept to record her good deeds but had dropped and read it, learning her secret. Claiming to be the uncle of Mary Batson, Mary Marvel’s teenage alter-ego, from California, Dudley attempted to con his way into the Marvel Family. The Marvels, possessing the wisdom of Solomon, saw through Dudley’s machinations, but since he was, in their opinion, such a “lovable old fraud”, they allowed Dudley to join the team as their manager, Uncle Marvel, and humored his pretense of having Marvel powers. When asked to make use of his supposed superpowers, Dudley would always complain that his “shazambago” was acting up and was interfering with his powers, though the Marvels always knew better.

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A live-action Shazam! television series, which aired on CBS Saturday mornings from 1975 to 1978, featured Captain Marvel and his young alter-ego Billy Batson, accompanied by an old man known as “Mentor”. The Mentor character was loosely based upon Uncle Marvel, who in concurrent 1970s issues of the Shazam! comic book began sporting a mustache to resemble Les Tremayne, the actor who appeared as “Mentor” on the Shazam! TV show.

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Today, DC keeps trying to do something, anything, to make Shazam popular but seems to strike out at every turn. Once the world’s best-selling hero, he is barely more than a historical footnote now.