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Allan Keyes Marvels at: The Sheer Brilliance of Jackie Gleason

30 Sep

September 30, 2013

keyes

We all know the triumphs of Jackie Gleason- Ralph Kramden (his masterpiece), Minnesota Fats (his Oscar-nominated role) or my personal favorite, Sheriff Buford T. Justice. Such a comic genius!

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Anyone can take a winning formula and run with it like a champion. But the measure of the man comes in the face of failure. And speaking of failure, ever hear of a Gleason project called “You’re in the Picture”?  It was only ranked as the 9th worst show of ALL TIME by TV Guide.  Just for context, this project was worse than:

“Hello Larry”

“The Secret Diary of Desmond Pfeiffer”

“Manimal” (!!!)

“Supertrain”

….but slightly better than “Cop Rock” So yeah, this show was pretty putrid.

You know how you and your girl can go to the county fair and have those backgrounds where you can stick your head through the cutouts and your flabby ass is transformed into muscle diesel and your girl suddenly gets those DD breasteses you’ve been dreaming of? Hilarious right! Well, that was the basis of this game show.

Yeah……wowee.

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Someone stuck his head through the hole and had to guess what the picture was. As you would expect, this show lasted ONE episode, and everyone knew that “the ship be sinking” as soon as it aired. So rather than do what network television would do today, which is move the show to 8:30 on Friday and play out the string as a summer replacement, Gleason came on the air the next night and aired an amazing nine minute mea culpa about just how big a bomb this show was. It’s nine minutes out of your life, but it’s nine amazing minutes. Please watch:

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x5kwd0_jackie-gleason-you-re-in-the-pictur_creation

(and it does disgust me that blowhard Anthony Bourdain is advertised at the front of this video. This human grease stain doesn’t deserve to be on the same video sharing service as a titan like Gleason)

Most people would’ve skulked away nursing their wounds, but not Gleason. He starts out “Last week we did a show called “You’re in the Picture…….that laid the BIGGEST bomb” and it gets funnier from there. Only a genius could take that wet fart of a TV show and make his explanation/apology compelling, funny television. That’s GENIUS. And kudos to the network for allowing Gleason to get on there and actually speak about it. You wouldn’t get that today. My favorite part of the whole video is where he  actually hints that he’s not really drinking coffee out of that cup, if you get my drift.  He actually lost a sponsor over that if you can believe.

Now if we can only get a TV network to give us a pre-emptive apology for some of the upcoming sure-to-be bombs in the new fall lineups…

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I’m not cheap. I just want what I pay for.

26 Sep

September 26, 2013

Remember back in the 1950’s when you pull your car into a gas station? Four or five guys in white uniforms would storm your car. One would fill up your tank, one would check your oil, another would put air in your tires, and one would wipe your windows whether they were clean or not. The gas would cost you 95 cents, you’d tip them a nickel, (and they’d thank you for it!) and you’d drive away, the whole thing costing you a buck.

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OK, I don’t remember that either (how old do you think I am?) but I’ve seen it in old movies. And we’ve all been in gas stations today. You drive up to the pump, get out, walk to the cashier, which is in the middle of a huge convenience store, wait in line, pay about $45 to fill your tank (if you’re lucky), walk back to the pump, fill your car and, if there happens to be one laying around, use the squeegee to clean your window. Then you leave, smelling of gas, your shirt wet from the window washer fluid. And don’t even think of having someone pump your gas. Even if you can find a non-self-service station, who wants to pay the extra money they charge? I’m not cheap but gas is already around $4 a gallon, who needs to add even more to the strain on the wallet?

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And that brings me to my point.

When I go shopping, I want what I pay for.

For example, take grocery shopping. When you go to the checkout lines to pay, you have your choice of express lanes where you bag your own stuff. I usually choose those because I am pretty sure I won’t pack my bread and eggs below my canned vegetables and bottles of soda. (Seriously cashiers, I know you don’t like you jobs, but jeez, stop breaking my eggs and crushing my bread.)

But here’s the problem- part of the money I spend in the store goes to pay the cashier, whose job it is to bag my groceries. If I have to do their job and bag my own, I want a rebate.

I just want what I pay for.

Fast food places are the same thing. They don’t fill your soda, they hand you a cup and tell you to fill it yourself. But at last here, I can make up the difference in refills. (Which brings up another point- who would spend more money for a large drink? Buy a small and refill it. For restaurants, soda is nearly all profit, why put another cent in the Burger King’s velvet change purse?)

However, 7-11 is ok. The whole place is based on the serve yourself concept, but I know that going in. And really, do I want the weird guy behind the counter at 3am microwaving my burrito? No thanks, I’ll handle my own burrito.

I’m not cheap. I just want what I pay for.

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