March 14, 2013
It was late last night. I wasn’t feeling very good. I was confused about some things and needed guidance. Finding no one near, I turned to the one who will always be there in times of trouble. I spoke to my personal friend and savior, Jesus.
No, god no, not Jesus Christ. I’m talking about Jesus Salvador, the guy who runs the little bodega on 18th avenue. He’s open late and I felt like some potato chips and a cherry coke. We were just tossing the bull when a couple of female behemoths trundled in. (Behemothettes?) They were probably only about 16 but they were already twice as big as me. (That would be three times as big as an average man.) In fact, they were probably about only 50% smaller than an average moose. Ever force yourself to sit through Grease? You know, the prequel to the amazing Grease 2, starring Adrien Zmed? Then you know the queasy feeling I got in the pit of my stomach. It wasn’t so much their size as their dress. They wore tight jeans that stopped well short of their waists (such as they were.) In the front their bellies hung over their pants. In the back was a lot of ass crack. Their tops ended a good foot before their pants began so we saw a lot of belly button hair too. They had no shame.
You should thank me for not posting this full size.
In fact NO ONE has any shame anymore. Take the following episode of The People’s Court, which aired today. (BTW- I used to think that Judge Marilyn Milan was attractive until I saw her in HDTV. My god is that woman haggard! She went from MILF to ZILCH in about two seconds. HDTV is not the worn out woman’s friend.)
Here’s the description: A night of boozing leads to a wet bed, ruined mattress, and destroyed friendship.
Here’s what happened: Two middle-aged moms went out drinking and got wasted. They went back to one mom’s home and passed out, naked, in bed together. When they awoke there was a wet stain on the mattress and the strong smell of urine. The other mom’s defense? She was taking muscle relaxers and they must have affected her bladder. However, it was no problem because the other woman raised four kids on that mattress and it was full of urine stains.
Read that again before you read the next paragraph. Get all that testimony right in the forefront of your mind.
Now continue.
The woman with the stained bed brought her eleven year-old daughter with her to court to hear all of this testimony.
I SWEAR I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP! THIS IS FOR REAL! (Thank you, Jesus, for great TV! [Jesus Christ this time, not Salvador from the bodega.])
The testimony got even better. It seems that one woman was, to use her words, “groping” her friend’s boss to make her boyfriend jealous. This led to a testy debate with the judge about whether “groping” was any better than “making out.” As the testimony went on, we heard about many more times that the weak bladder woman ruined beds, and testimony that her boyfriend works late and “he wets the bed all the time.”
The judge, showing the only moment of sanity from anyone in this case, sent the eleven year old daughter out of the courtroom and screamed at the mother for bringing her. “But your honor,” the mother said, “everything I say is true. She can hear the truth.” Well I say SHE CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH! (YES! I finally got to say that!)
She can’t take any more of this either.
See what I mean about shame? Shouldn’t these people be ashamed to be on TV? They had a choice. They could have said no, but people will be on TV for anything! Filming a reality show where whoever wears dirty diapers the longest wins a wind chime? They’ll line up around the block. A contest where women squat in barrels and have insects dumped on them? Opie and Anthony did it years ago. And what did the woman win? NOTHING! They got to be on the radio.
If more people had some shame then not only would this be a better world, but maybe I could get some more potato chips before the behemoths buy them all from Jesus.
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