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Imponderable #107: Nebraska

6 Sep

September 6, 2013

Remember the game Mousetrap? You had to build a bizarre contraption in which a mouse eats some cheese, a fulcrum tilts, a flag swings up, a rope pulls something or other, pulleys and levers get involved, and 57 steps later a net falls on a mouse. That’s based on the inventions of Rube Goldberg:

Rubenvent

That’s what the accident in the next story reminds me of.

baggo

Food goes in the bag, bag breaks, can falls out, breaks toe, skin gets gashed, infection sets in, woman dies.

I don’t think the bags were defective, I just think they are so cheap that they can barely contain a pillow. I’ve seen some horribly cheap and thin plastic bags lately. I’m surprised the bag made it out to the parking lot.

I do blame the cashier. None of them know how to bag. They either stuff all your items, including two desk chairs and a fender, in one bag, or go the other way and put no more than two items in a bag, leaving the average family to walk out carrying anywhere from 67 to 108 nearly empty bags.

Usually, and this happens all the time, I rebag my purchases right there at the register. More often I use the bag it yourself counter. However, I don’t like that option. Part of the money I am spending goes to pay the cashiers, whose job it is to bag my items. If I am doing the cashier’s job I want a rebate.

On the other hand, I am guaranteed that my eggs will not be packed under a load of cement.

As far as this lawsuit, he will not get funeral or burial expenses in any court, so cross those out. He also won’t get pain and suffering, that is usually saved for physical pain. Then cut in half whatever the judgment might be because I feel the woman is half responsible. How could she not lift that bag and think it wouldn’t make it to her car? Any of us who lifts a full shopping bag can tell if it is overloaded. She should have done something.

Two giant cans of La Choy and huge bag of rice. I wonder what she making for dinner? (For the next two weeks.)

TQII

 

Is there anything more manly than cheese?

3 Sep

September 3, 2013

Is there anything more manly than cheese?

Frankly there is.

  • Fighting a lion
  • Farting in public
  • Testicles

But not one of them goes great on a burger.

Cheese is awesome! Put it on a burger, nachos, pretzels, melt it on a sandwich, squirt it straight out of the can, lick it off the body of someone you love, whatever you do with it, cheese rocks!

Which is why I had to stop and take this picture.

       DSCN2227                  

I was in New Jersey with Allan Keyes filming doing something I contractually can’t talk about Yes, those are my legs reflected in the window. Aren’t I a great photographer? But artistry be damned, we are talking about cheese! No phony “cheez” here, no plastic gooey stuff, this is the real deal C-H-E-E-S-E! Cheese!

Aside from bacon (mmmm, bacon) what else is there that is such an awesome food? Nothing. If all you had to eat in life were cheese and bacon you’d be very, very happy. And probably die of a massive heart attack in a few weeks but who cares? CHEESE!

So being a cheese loving man I had to stop at the amazingly named Cheese Cave (because when it comes to cheese, we are all cavemen at heart. “MMMM, want more cheese!”) and take a picture of the front window. I could only imagine all the varieties they must have inside- cheddar, Swiss, American, um, cheddar…

I would have loved to go in and browse, maybe buy a pound or ten, but something stopped me. It was a little voice, the voice of reason maybe, or perhaps my conscience, knowing how all that cheese would clog my arteries and make my cholesterol higher than Snoop Dogg/Lion in Mexico, but whatever, it was, it would not let me go in.

“The store is closed, dumb ass.” It was Keyes.

So I left New Jersey, salivating, my hunger for cheese unfulfilled. But don’t worry, there is a happy ending.

We stopped for pizza on the way home. Extra cheese.