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Sorry, But There’s ANOTHER New Hipster Trend

7 Mar

March 7, 2014

I really don’t intend this to be hipster central (“Hipsters! Can’t stand them!”) but this was sent in by an alert reader whose sole comment to me was Murderous rage prevents me from typing any more at the moment.

This is excerpted from the New York Times: http://www.nytimes.com/2014/03/06/fashion/the-monocle-returns-as-a-fashion-accessory.html?_r=2

One Part Mr. Peanut, One Part Hipster Chic

The Monocle Returns as a Fashion Accessory

By ALLEN SALKIN MARCH 5, 2014

From the trendy enclaves of Berlin cafes and Manhattan restaurants to gin ads and fashion magazines, the monocle is taking its turn alongside key 21st-century accouterments like sharply tucked plaid shirts and certificates in swine butchering.

Martin Raymond, a British trend forecaster, credits the rise to what he calls “the new gents,” a hipster subspecies who have been adding monocles to their bespoke tweed and distressed-boot outfits. On a recent trip to Cape Town, Mr. Raymond said, he saw such a group carrying monocles along with tiny brass telescopes kept in satchels.

“All of this is part of a sense of irony and a way of discovering and displaying old artisanal and craft-based technology,” Mr. Raymond said. “You see the monocle appearing in Berlin, parts of South Dublin.”

Toby Miller, a cultural historian, said: “Monocles have always marked people out as beyond the crowd, slightly different. On one hand you have the Prussian officer, on the other you have the effete English lord, and then you also have the New York and London lesbian in the 1920’s.”

There is more, a lot more, but the author obviously buys into that nonsense. Seriously, who wouldn’t want to look like a Prussian officer or, better yet, a  1920’s lesbian? Yeah, that’s a desirable look. It goes perfectly while butchering a pig, which hipsters can do, according to this article, because they all have swine butchering certificates.

I can go on and on, but we’ll move on to this picture from the same NY Times article.

Let's be honest: He looks like a squinting idiot.

Let’s be honest: He looks like a squinting idiot.

The man with the half-glasses above is Jose Vega, who is quoted in the article:

“I got it just to have my own style, bring something new to the table,” said Jose Vega, 23, an aspiring Miami rap musician who can be seen sporting a monocle on his SoundCloud page. “Also, I’m nearsighted.”

# 1: He is actively hurting his eyesight by only wearing a half of a pair of glasses.

#2: He is “bringing something new to the table” by wearing an accessory that thousands of other people are now wearing, and has “his own style” by wearing something that all the other hipsters are wearing.

All this guy and every other monocle-wearing doofus is doing is joining the crowd, not starting a trend, but jumping on a trendy bandwagon. Give Pharrell credit. His hat may make him look like a ranger at Jellystone Park, but at least it is unique. No one else is wearing it, at least for now.

No way, Jose. Your may think your monocle screams “look at me! I’m different!” but all I hear is a small pathetic whine of “I just want to be part of the crowd.”

atwill hipster

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March Madness! Round 1

6 Mar

March 6, 2014

keyes1.jpg

It is the opening round of the tournament of “Very Special Episodes.”  Dick Vitale was contractually obligated to provide commentary until he came off his meds and realized what he had done. I believe that his lawyer’s response was the first legal document to contain the phrase “….and the horse you came in on.”

So I’ll just recap the action. As Ric Flair would say: “Space Mountain may be the oldest ride in the park, but it has the longest line!”  …..not sure what that has to do with things, but lets get into it! WOOOOOOOOOOO!

Bracket 1

MATCH 1:       Diff’Rent Strokes (“The Bicycle Man)  

Vs.  The Cosby Show (“Theo’s Gift”)  

THE ACTION: Quite possibly the most well known and loved of the “Very Special Episodes” sees Arnold and Dudley making friends with the local bicycle salesman, who takes one look at these two kids and literally starts to breathe heavily, and totally ignores jailbait daughter Kimberly – Mr. Drummond should’ve twigged to things right there but he’s pretty dense for a rich white fella. Chester Molester is played by Gordon Jump in what was actually a very daring role, and the one he’s most remembered for. He plies the kids with gifts, candy, naughty cartoons, and eventually wine (spiked I assume, with roofies). The hot molestation action culminates when Evil Mr. Carlson gets the boys shirtless to play “Neptune King of the Sea” while he takes photographs and rubs one out (tastefully off camera of course). 

Meanwhile, on the Cosby Show, Theo fails a couple of tests and suddenly he has dyslexia. Whoop-de-damn-do.  So he has to do some extra work instead of hanging with his friend Dung Beetle or Cockroach or
whatever his name was getting “Bacon Burger Dogs.”  I’m not minimizing dyslexia but unless this episode featured Cliff Huxtable’s pal Danny Kaye treating Theo’s dyslexia by rubbing lotion on his chest….well, there never was a chance at winning.

THE WINNAH:  DIFF’RENT STROKES

MATCH 2:  Mr. Belvedere ( “Wesley’s Friend”)

(From imdb.com) Wesley is supposed to play William Howard Taft in the school’s Presidents’ Day pageant, an opening to play Abraham Lincoln comes up. The boy who was supposed to play Lincoln, Wesley’s friend Danny, has been pulled out of school because he got AIDS from a blood transfusion. Not knowing anything about the virus, Wesley believes what his friends tell him about it and makes him afraid of Danny.

Vs. Leave it to Beaver (“Beaver and Andy”)

THE ACTION: Mr. Belvedere sees Wesley’s little friend diagnosed with AIDS (I guess that’s one kid the bicycle man won’t be playing Neptune King of the Sea with!) and hilarious ignorance abounds as he’s pulled out of school and everyone fears they can catch AIDS simply by looking at him. What’s so wrong with that? Better safe than sorry!  Wait…..what?……ok, Mr. B informs me that I’m an incredibly ignorant twit.  Ok then.   Aside from the fact that the kid the writers gave the AIDS to looks more suited for a down syndrome patient (yeah I’m going to hell) the main notoriety for this episode lies in what may be the most epic of sitcom fails ever: When asked how he’s doing, his response “Well, I got AIDS. But other than that pretty good”  is legendarily bad. The screencap below aptly sums up the audience reaction to that wet fart of a line:

bleah

Seriously. The laughs were less awkward on MASH when Radar announced Henry’s plane spun into the Sea of Japan. For the longest time I thought this line was in an episode of “Growing Pains” until I realized that it lacked even the low-level subtlety of that show – then I knew it had to be Mr. Belvedere.

On the other side, proof that “Very Special” isn’t just a modern invention. I want you to wrap your minds around something: This episode of “Leave it to Beaver” sports a fricking CONTENT WARNING on YouTube.  Archtype daddy and all-around stiff Ward hires his pal Andy (a “reformed” alcoholic) to paint the Cleaver house. And while they take pains to keep him away from the kids, he makes friends with Beaver. After learning that his new pal Andy likes the sauce, Beaver – slow witted, trusting soul that he is, gives the guy a bottle of his dad’s stash as a present. That’s’ right: BEAVER CAUSED AN ALKIE TO FALL OFF THE WAGON.  I mean I could’ve seen Eddie Haskell doing this, but sweet loveable Beaver!?!?  That’s pretty badcore shit right there. Worthy of winning many a matchup. Still…..”I got AIDS. Other than that, pretty good” is so mind-numbingly awful, Mr. Belvedere wins on strength of that line alone.

THE WINNAH:  MR. BELVEDERE! (The losers: anyone who sat through that episode)

 BRACKET CHAMPIONSHIP:  Diff’rent Strokes vs Mr. Belvedere

One underrated benefit of the Diff’rent Strokes episode is that we get to see Dudley’s father. The man had what must’ve been the biggest set of choppers ever seen in prime time TV:

 bleah2

See what I mean? We also get treated to a shirtless Dudley (*grawwlll!*)

bleah3

Meanwhile, what does Mr. Belvedere give us?  We don’t even get a shirtless Rob Stone (and that’s a gay porn name if I ever heard one)

bleah4

On the other hand, it did give us an awesome and enduring meme…..tough call.  TOUGH call.

 

BRACKET WINNER:  ARNOLD AND DUDLEY GET MOLESTED!  WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

bleahwin

Next time: The Meathead Bracket!

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