Archive | November, 2013

Writer’s Block #7: A Special Routine

6 Nov

November 6, 2013

Well, here I am again. Me vs. the page. Me vs. the blank screen. Me vs. writer’s block. Have I wasted enough time? Yep, once again I need to turn to our nation’s colleges and universities (I must be desperate) and look to the list of bizarre college essays for inspiration.

I didn’t find any, but here we go: Please describe a daily routine or tradition of yours that may seem ordinary to others but holds special meaning for you. Why is this practice significant to you? (Barnard, 2009)

Well, I don’t; really like to talk about this, but I guess maybe it will help me to unburden myself. Maybe it will help me to sleep at night.

One night, years ago, when I was young, my family was leaving the movie theater, capping off a great evening in which we had dinner at a fancy restaurant and saw the opening night of the Mark of Zorro. The city wasn’t as crime ridden as it is now, but even then there were some places you avoided.

It wasn’t too late, the alley not too dark, and our car was parked just across the street. We were happy and probably not paying too much attention or maybe we would never have gone down that alley, seen that man.

He stopped us.
Had a gun.
Demanded mom’s jewelry.
Dad took a step towards him.
The gun blazed.
Twice.
And I was an orphan.

I swore on their graves that their deaths would not go unavenged.  And every day I pass that alley and leave flowers amongst the cans of garbage and broken bottles and detritus of urban life.

What? Shit, sorry, that’s Batman’s story. I thought it sounded familiar. But seriously, that is a much better story than mine. You don’t want to hear it, it wouldn’t interest you.

What? Really, you do? It probably isn’t half as interesting as you think.

Ok, you asked for it. My special routine?

Every morning I get up early and read a book on the can. That’s it. It’s quiet and no one bothers me.

Hey, I’m no Batman.

 

batmanToilet_nlewis039

 

That Is Not A Gay Sweater

5 Nov

November 5, 2013

The good people of Hallmark are in deep water over a Christmas ornament that just went on sale.

hallmark-controversial-ornament

They’ve changed the old lyric “Don we now our gay apparel” to “”Don we now our FUN apparel!” (Insert your own Fa la la’s.) Gay groups are calling this homophobic. So let’s take a look at the sweater with the correct wording.

hallmark-controversial-ornament 2You see the problem. That ornament will open Hallmark for some obvious mocking: “That really is gay!” being the least crude. That ornament would open Hallmark up to all kinds of uncalled for (and homophobic) gay innuendo and insults and Hallmark, being a family friendly brand, wants nothing to do with that. So they replaced GAY with FUN and opened the whole can of worms themselves.

Personally, I say they should have avoided the whole issue by not making such a flamboyant and ridiculous ornament. “Don we now our gay apparel” is a time-honored phrase and is of course a legitimate object for a Christmas ornament.

But do it with some dignity, huh Hallmark?

Jeez, that is one ugly sweater.