Choose Your Own Allan Keyes Adventure

11 Nov

November 11, 2013


I’m taking a creative writing class. It’s part of my self-improvement kick, and since I refuse to give up my rage, xenophobia or binge-eating, this was the least difficult option for me.

That said, since I’m a lazy man and this class is still in fact, too difficult for me, I’m going to try an experiment and crowd-source my short story. If you help me, I promise at some later date to actually show you the finished product.  So imagine yourself as a sophisticated reader (which you naturally are, you’re visiting this blog after all!) and tell us what you think….

Preferred Name for the Hero:

-Slickjack Bohannon

-Razor Horowitz

-Arnold Stallone

-Malvin van Brocklingham, III, Esq.


Preferred Name for the Villain:

-Rodney TechNine Johnson

-Cordova Montelban

-Whitey Supremacist

-Yakuza Shinobi


Preferred Name for the Love Interest:

-Dances on Poles (an American Indian gal)

-Electra Mankiller

-Pouty Busterton

-Sister Carlotta Savio Vega de la Renta de la Paz

– Gertrude Winklevitz

-Roger Manlove


Where The Story Takes Place:


-The slums of Greenwich, Connecticut

-A broom closet in a janitor’s storage room on the 46th floor of a skyscraper on Memorial Day

-An electrolysis shop on the wrong side of the tracks

-The first kosher hot dog stand in Saigon

-An endless void


What the Story is About:

-A touching love story of redemption between an aspiring Plushie and a Donnie Most imitator

-The world’s smartest bird travels back in time to learn the identity of the true inventor of “The Aristocrats” routine

-One desperate network executive tries to save his job by making a News Radio reunion happen, while a rival tries to prevent it – with murderous results

-A suave pig rancher pursues his dream of joining the most prestigious mariachi band in his hometown – Los Dudes Guapos

-An young orphan boy in Guandong Province grows up to be the most famous scat singer since Mel Torme, but faces the rejection of the local noodle wench

-Nothing. What did you do this morning? Ate breakfast and read a book. That’s what happens.


Supporting Characters (Pick any 5):

-A jaded prostitute with a heart of gold

-A gruff but secretly paternal Police Captain

-A chainsmoking conspiracy theorist

-A drunken bumbling sidekick that always saves the day

-A deadly rival – who becomes the hero’s best friend

-An overprotective mother

-An under-protective father

-An older male friend – who turns out to be the hero’s long lost daddy

-A disabled war buddy from the Grenada invasion

-Twin circus clowns (counts as three picks)

-An old mentor who’s lost his way

-The Ghost of President Warren G. Harding

-A Friendly Italian whale


Surprise Plot Twist:

-Evil Twin!

-The butler didn’t do it……the maid did!

-The doctor was the patient’s mother

-The President turns out to be on the Mafia’s payroll

-Darth Vader already got to Bespin first (Hey, it worked for Lucas….)

-Zombie haberdashers

-Accidentally betrayed by those closest to him

-NWO SwerveTM


Proposed Titles:

-Full Moons and Pressed Hams

– Esta Historia es Increíblemente Estúpido

-Analstorm: The Bloodening

-The Whimsical Rampage of Dr. Horatio Neublizer

-Lil’ Penny the Cutest Brutalizer

-Star Wars Episode VII

2 Responses to “Choose Your Own Allan Keyes Adventure”

  1. T E Stazyk November 12, 2013 at 4:53 am #

    Preferred Name for the Hero—Malvin van Brocklingham, III, Esq.
    Preferred Name for the Villain–Razor Horowitz
    Preferred Name for the Love Interest–Sister Carlotta Savio Vega de la Renta de la Paz
    (purposely selected because of their ease of typing)


    • bmj2k November 12, 2013 at 8:36 am #

      My favorite name is Arnold Stallone, because Sylvester Schwarzenegger is too subtle.


Have something to say? Let's hear it!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: