Mr. Blog's Tepid Ride

August 1, 2010

A few things have come to my attention this last month but didn’t rate their own blogs.
Among them:

ONE: Jersey Shore star, no, lets make that Jersey Shore‘s featured sideshow attraction, “Snooki,” was arrested for being drunk and disorderly on a public beach:

I’m sorry, but “Snooki”? To me, “Snooki” is the nickname of a World War Two veteran who smokes stubby cigars and sits at the end of the bar until closing time. “Snooki” rode in a tank and still wears his helmet on Memorial Day. “Snooki” has a buzzcut and won’t drive a German car. This tan piglet doesn’t deserve to be called “Snooki,” much less than she deserves all the blog space I devoted on her. Moving on.

TWO: Finger in Butt Crack Sparks Knife Fight.

DALLAS – A Dallas woman touched her friend’s buttocks, sparking an assault and attempted stabbing, police said.

The alleged incident happened at an apartment in the 1700 block of Trade Winds Drive in the southern section of the city.

According to a police report, 22-year-old Laquita Mattox rubbed a finger along the victim’s butt crack, prompting her to clench her buttocks. The victim claimed the clenching caused the bed she was sitting on to break, angering Mattox.

A fight ensued in which Mattox repeatedly hit the victim before grabbing a butcher knife and threatening to kill her. According to the report, she said, “Are you ready to die?”

The alleged victim called police and the suspect fled, the report stated.

Officers found no visible injuries on the woman, who refused medical attention.

It was not immediately clear if police arrested Mattox.

Can you come up with a better headline? No. Freakin’. Way. You know it- if you saw this headline in your local paper you’d read the article. If the local news channel teased this story you’d sit through the commercials for it. And if you were me you’d be trying to fit “that’s a knife fight in my butt crack!” into your blog with minimal success.

THREE: Found on eBay- Hulk Hogan baseball glove.

Remember when you were a kid and your Dad took you out to play catch? Or maybe you recall your first game of catch with your son? Either way, baseball, the Great American Pastime, has inspired millions of youngsters with the love of their game, and everyone has their favorite player. Be it old timers like Babe Ruth and Hank Aaron, retired heroes like Keith Hernandez and Curt Schilling, or future Hall of Famers like Derek Jeter and Ken Griffey Jr., every generation has its own players to look up to.

So imagine the look of pride on Dad’s face when he goes out to play soft-toss and his son is wearing this:

Watchoo gonna do, when a line drive goes wild on you, Brutha?

To quote Shakespeare, by way of The Maltese Falcon, news like that, that’s “the stuff that dreams are made of.”

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For those of you who thought you’d see Hulk Hogan with a finger in Snooki’s butt crack (or vice versa), I present you this picture of Hulk Hogan and his daughter Brooke:

Never play "smell my finger" with the Hulkster.

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